From the Heart of Treazure, Part III

I’m astonished as I realize that Wife Talk Series Three (3) is drawing to a close! There are two topics (divorce and abuse) that I have written about thus far; however, I feel like this Series is just beginning. As I am writing this, I’m reflecting on the previously written topics of this Series, and I feel such an immense sense of gratitude that I made it through. Each topic has its own place of importance in my life and in sharing of my thoughts and experiences; I’ve grown in ways that I never imagined possible.

As I prepare to write about the final topic of this Series, “Serving God Together, Believers & Unbelievers”, I am anxious to share the message. If any of the three topics could best describe my long-awaited and most recent desire, this subject matter tops the list. There are a number of wonderful God-fearing women that I am blessed to have as friends and family members who are married and share this same desire for their spouses. I know a few good God-fearing single women who desire a believing spouse as their own. I understand that each of us is exactly where we are meant to be spiritually, and if we are not on the same page with our spouses, it is important to be prayerful and patient. God has a mighty plan in store for each marriage relationship and knowing the details of His plan is not always revealed in our timing, but in His. It is a privilege to know that God may want to use you as a helpmate to assist Him in turning an unbelieving spouse to a “believer.” How awesome would that be?

In discussing “Serving God Together, Believers & Unbelievers,” I will offer suggestions on being patient with an unbelieving spouse, the importance of prayer during the manifestation period, and allowing God to be in control of the situation. I will also answer the last of three (3) questions “Am I the kind of wife that God wants me to be?” that I posed to myself and each of you at the on-set of the Series. My response to this question will be located in the Hidden Treazure section of the blog page. This Series has been a journey of both courage and faith. I thank God for carrying me along the way and for each of you that have become a part of the Wife Talk family!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

No More Hurt, No More Pain

Matthew 5:21-22
5:21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

Abuse is never an easy topic to discuss, nor is it an easy topic to understand. Initially, I resisted writing about this subject matter because of my own personal experiences that stem back to my childhood, and then carried over at one time into my adulthood. I came to a revelation because of what I’ve witnessed and experienced that I am not the only one. There are many women in our society today that are living a life of abuse in one way or the other; domestic violence is at an all time high in marriages, and is rapidly increasing in teenage relationships. I had to let go of the shame and my fear of reliving these memories in order to share with you, the Wife Talk reader, my experiences and more importantly, my healing.

I have written about verbal abuse (Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words Will Never Hurt Me), emotional abuse (Emotional Wreck), mental abuse (Mental Warfare), and physical abuse (Keep Your Hands to Yourself), within the past four (4) weeks, and with each of these articles I’ve described the types of abuse that can occur within marriages and different methods that the abuser uses to control his spouse. The key word here is “control”. Control, coupled with yet another essential ingredient, anger, each contributes heavily to the ongoing cycle of abuse.

In writing on this subject matter, I’ve twice made reference to a childhood poem “Children Learn What They Live,” by Dorothy Law Nolte. So often, when attempting to understand how, why or what can make a person abuse another, we have to start at the root, the beginning. Abuse is a learned behavior. What a child lives and ultimately learns can contribute to the type(s) of abuse that he imposes on another. In some marriages, there are multiple forms of abuse. There are also a small number of marriages in which the wife is the abuser. Happily ever after is what most of us wished for when we said our “I Do’s;” but for many, this is not the case.

Matthew 5:21-22

5:21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”

In Summary: Matthew 5:21-22 “Killing is a terrible sin, but anger is a great sin too because it also violates God’s command to love. Anger in this case refers to a seething, brooding bitterness against someone. It is a dangerous emotion that always threatens to leap out of control, leading to violence, emotional hurt, increased mental stress, and spiritual damage. Anger keeps us from developing a spirit pleasing to God. Have you ever been proud that you didn’t strike out and say what was really on your mind? Self-control is good, but Christ wants us to practice thought-control as well. Jesus said that we will be held accountable even for our attitudes.”

Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

This concludes the topic of abuse. I am grateful to God for guiding me through my task of writing about something so personal that I once was ashamed of sharing with anyone. I had to find the courage to share of my experiences and those of my family members and friends with you, the Wife Talk Reader. I hope the message is clear : Abusive marriages and relationships have to end. In abusive relationships, both spouses need healing. God is able to bring healing to each spouse and any situation that you and your husband may encounter.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

James 1:19-20

1:19 “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

The image of Ike Turner smashing cake in Anna Mae Bullock’s (aka Tina Turner) face is as vivid to me today as when I first viewed the academy award nominees on screen in the 1993 film, “What’s Love Got to Do with It.” There were a number of memorable scenes that I recall which showcased the physically abusive and controlling relationship that Tina Turner once shared with her ex-husband Ike Turner. As a “Lifetime” channel viewer, I have seen numerous movies about abuse. One of the Lifetime movies that I’ve watched the most is the 1984 movie starring the late Farrah Fawcett, “The Burning Bed.” In each of these movies the physical abuse was so extreme; and both women hit rock bottom from the continuous beat downs before rising to the occasion and making a choice to end the abuse. Both of these movies are based on true life stories and the decisions regarding how to end the abusive marriages were very different.

It is easy for me to relate to the physical abuse that each of these women experienced, because I know of at least 10 family members and friends, including myself who have been in physically abusive relationships or marriages. The level of physical abuse and how often differs with each relationship. If you’ve been pushed, shoved, smacked, slapped, punched, kicked, thrown, or choked; you’ve experienced physical abuse. If you initiate the physical contact or fight back, you’re in a physically abusive relationship. I’ve often wondered how a man can say that “he loves” a woman, when he puts his hands on her in violent, non-gentle, non-loving ways. What brings a person to the point of wanting to hit another human being, especially if that person is a wife? Anger is the answer. I’m always drawn back to the signs that the abuser is angry (rage, tone of voice, the look in the eyes) enough to become violent and put his hands upon a person. I’ve also been told by family members and friends of how they notice the signs of angry spouses/partners that lead to violent encounters.

There are some women who are being physically abused and you wouldn’t have a clue. They have mastered how to cover up the bumps and bruises, how to camouflage the black eyes. No matter how well a person covers up the evidence of physical abuse, you can not cover up the pain of the scars inside. Physical abuse leaves a woman broken, her self-worth is shattered, and maybe this is the ultimate goal of the abuser. If you are being physically abused, you have the will power deep within to get up! You just need to tap into that strength and claim it!

James 1:19-20

1:19 “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

In Summary: “These verses speak of anger that erupts when our egos are bruised-“I am hurt,” “My opinions are not being heard.” When injustice and sin occur, we should become angry because others are being hurt. But we should not become angry when we fail to win an argument or when we feel offended or neglected. Selfish anger never helps anybody.

Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

I’m once again drawn back to the poem: “Children Learn What They Live,” by Dorothy Law Nolte. The second line of this poem reads: “If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.” It is important to remember that both the abused and the abuser suffer. Abuse is learned behavior. If your spouse is a physically abusive person, he needs to receive help. I encourage you to seek the Lord’s guidance in deciding the best plan of action to promote healing in your life and a healthy relationship.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Mental Warfare

2 Timothy 1: 7
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

We’ve all heard the slogan of the United Negro College Fund , “A Mind is A Terrible Thing to Waste,” filter from the mouth of the late Lou Rawls, this statement is true; but a mind is also a terrible thing to abuse. Our mindset determines everything within our lives. What we think about ourselves is what we will be or what we will become, unless we change our thought processes. Anyone, who mentally abuses another, aims to do one thing, and that is to control the mind of another person!

If you are living with a mentally abusive spouse, there is mental warfare going on in your home. Your husband views you as the enemy and he seeks to weaken or destroy you by mind control. The mission is clear; yet, the tactic may not be so obvious. Mental abuse (unlike physical abuse) is not always visible. A mental abuser may use words in more of a threatening way, such as; “If you do this, then I will…or I’m going to do that.” He will let you know the consequences if you do anything that displease him. A method to impose fear through threats and belittlement can torment you to no end. It becomes a constant battle between the two of you, until he wears you down. The mind is like a recorder; therefore, the threats and belittlement replay in your mind over and over until you start to believe you are who he says you are instead of realizing who God says you are.

In certain branches of Armed Services, drill sergeants use verbal and mental tactics to impose fear in soldiers to help prepare them for extreme situations they may encounter while performing the service of guarding and protecting our nation and other countries. This, however, is neither the way a husband should treat his wife nor the way a wife should treat her husband. Once something is drilled into your head (especially negative words), it’s challenging to reverse this train of thought.

2 Timothy 1:7
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

In Summary: 2 Timothy 1:6, 7 “Timothy was experiencing great opposition to his message and to himself as a leader. His youth, his association with Paul, and his leadership had come under fire from believers and nonbelievers alike. Paul urged him to be bold. When we allow people to intimidate us, we neutralize our effectiveness for God. The power of the Holy Spirit can help us overcome our fear of what some might say or do to us, so that we can continue to do God’s work.”

Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

I believe that “thoughts become things”, as I’ve heard author Wayne Dyer say on many occasions. What you think of yourself should really be determined by what God thinks of you. If your spouse is mentally abusive, he’s exhibiting learned behavior and needs a lesson on positive affirmations and reassurance of God’s love for him. I would encourage you to seek God’s guidance no matter the situation. He alone can provide the best possible solution based on your experiences. Again, I am aware that there are women who are abusive to their husbands, but men are the majority abusers within marriages.

Find the Jewel in you, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

My response to the question: “What kind of wife do I aspire to be” can be found under Hidden Treazure

Emotional Wreck

1 Peter 3:7
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Is it possible to experience one kind of abuse without being affected by another? It’s hard to imagine not, as there is a common link between each type. When I look at one of the definitions for “wreck”, given by the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary, it reads: “a person or animal of broken constitution, health or spirits.” How can a person’s spirit not be broken if she/he is a victim of mental, physical, verbal or emotional abuse? I know that we’ve all had our feelings hurt a time or two, but for someone who deals with or has dealt with emotional abuse, hurt feelings can leave one torn down.

Emotional abuse like verbal abuse is not noticeable to the eye (unlike physical abuse), and can be more discreet than verbal abuse. It’s sometimes camouflaged as “giving advice”, “guidance”, or “teaching”; thus, coming off more subtle and unrecognizable. Intimidation is a more aggressive form of emotional abuse and happens as accusations, threats, or orders. This can weigh heavily on a person, increasing tension and stress within the body, mind and spirit. A husband that demands constant attention from you and wants you to put everything else to the side to tend to his needs, is being emotionally abusive. You may think that he’s spoiled; and for some that may be the case, but if you are subjected to constant criticism and belittlement along with his needy behavior, then he’s not spoiled.

It’s important to be honest with yourself about what’s happening and consider what can be done about it, or you’ll eventually blame yourself for how you’re being treated. Deliberate arguments, are yet another type of emotional abuse, and I had no idea of such. Abuse is designed for the purpose of being able to control another individual. There are several different behaviors that can assist in accomplishing this if you are not made aware of them.

1 Peter 3:7
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

To summarize this: 1 Peter 3:7 When Peter calls women the “weaker” partners, he does not imply moral or intellectual inferiority, but he is recognizing women’s physical limitations. Women in his day, if unprotected by men, were vulnerable to attack, and financial disaster. Women’s lives may be easier today, but women are still vulnerable to criminal attack and family abuse. And in spite of increased opportunities in the workplace, most women still earn considerably less than men, and the vast majority of the nation’s poor are single mother’s and their children. A man who honors his wife as a member of the weaker sex will protect, respect, help, and stay with her. He will not expect her to work full-time outside the home and full-time at home; he will lighten her load wherever he can. He will be sensitive to her needs, and he will relate to her with courtesy, consideration, insight and tact. Also in 1Peter 3:7 If a man is not considerate and respectful of his wife, his prayers will be hindered, because a living relationship with God depends on right relationships with others. Jesus said that if you have a problem with a fellow believer, you must make it right with that person before coming to worship (Matthew 5:23, 24). This principle carries over into family relationships. If men use their position to mistreat their wives, their relationship with God will suffer.

Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

I would like to reiterate that all abuse that happens within marriages is not always done by the male spouse, as wives’ can be abusive too; however, in most cases, the male is the abuser. In either case, please lean not on your own understanding, but look to the Lord for guidance.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones but Words Will Never Hurt Me

Proverbs 11:9

“With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape.”

My mind drifts back to my early childhood school days to the first time I witnessed the wrath of the class bully. Although I wasn’t the target, I certainly felt the pain from his ugly words being directed at one of my friends. The name-calling seemed as if it would never end, and I was sure that my friend wanted to climb into a hole. To my surprise, however, I heard her say to him, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” When I heard those words come from her mouth, I was proud that she stood up for herself; but I could tell from the look in her eyes that she was ripped to pieces.

In actuality, words do hurt if used in a way that tears you down; and if the person using those words is your husband, it hurts even worse. Verbal abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse within marriages, and also the one less likely to be noticed. Verbal abuse can go unnoticed because there are no signs of visible proof (such as with physical abuse), and most verbal abusers torment their victims behind closed doors and out of the hearing zone of others. Name calling (stupid, lazy, fat, etc.) and belittlement (you don’t ever do nothing around here, when are you going to grow a brain, I should’ve married someone prettier, smarter, etc.) may start out as teasing, then increase to more direct intentional verbalization (the B word, I hate you, etc.) in an attempt to control the victim.

I will admit that my very first encounter with any form of abuse began at an extremely young age. I witnessed and overheard verbal abuse toward my mother. Even as a preschooler, I could feel the effect that this type of abuse left on one’s spirit. Although she would put on a smile for my sake, my mother was so torn down. I felt her pain because I was saddened and hurt for her. This continued on for years and finally it was time for me to leave the nest. Once I did so, I also witnessed a very dear friend experience the same thing during the brief time that I attended college. I used to convince myself that I would never allow any man to talk to me or treat me that way. After leaving college, I moved to a new city and made new friends. It was then that I also encountered this behavior being used toward a very good friend of mine. She and I had been friends for quite sometime, and it was because of her that I met my husband (my Him). I am approaching my tenth-year wedding anniversary, and I will say that, I too, at one time experienced the same verbal abuse that I witnessed in my home as a child, in college, and as a young adult. It has happened to me.

It wasn’t until I started praying and asking God to deliver me from this type of unhealthiness that I began to realize a few interesting revelations. The first being that a person will do to me, only what I allow him to; and secondly, if a person is treating me this way, then he must be in far more turmoil than what’s being inflicted upon me. People that are abusive have either been personally abused or witnessed abuse. Abuse is a learned behavior. I remember a childhood poem that my mother shared with me titled: “Children Learn what They Live”, by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph. D. The first line of this poem it reads, “If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.” Abuse in any form is an unacceptable and continuous cycle that needs to be broken.

I thank God for hearing and answering my prayers for both my hubby and myself. It was during those times that I prayed more for my husband than for myself. I had carried the pain from earlier abuse all my life, so I related to the pain that he experienced. It allowed me to empathize with him as opposed to being angry, unforgiving and unsympathetic. We are still works in progress, and I hope that our story can be a blessing to other couples who may be going through the same.

Proverbs 11:9

“With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape.”

Summary:The mouth can be used either as a weapon or a tool, hurting relationships or building them up. Sadly, it is often easier to destroy than to build, and most people have received more destructive comments than those that build up. Every person you meet today is either a demolition site or a construction opportunity. Your words will make a difference. Will they be weapons for destruction or tools for construction?

Scripture Quotations and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

There are known cases of women who are the verbal abusers within the marriage relationship; however, statistics show that there is a larger percentage of men who are the abusers in the home. In either case, it’s not healthy for the individuals, or the marriage. Ask God to direct your steps in working toward healing, growth, and forgiveness. Remember, with God you can be strong and although “Sticks and stones may break your bones, words will never hurt you.”

Be the dazzling jewel that He created you to be!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

From the Heart of Treazure, Part II

I’m sincerely grateful to have finished writing about divorce, the first topic for Wife Talk Series Three (3). Now it is time to move on to the next topic of this series, abuse. Although there are several different types of abuse that can occur, I will be writing about four (4), (verbal, mental, emotional, and physical), and the effects that each has on a marriage. This subject is particularly challenging for me to write about as I have either witnessed or experienced abuse in one form or another.

Abuse is more common amongst women than you may think, but it’s usually kept quiet in most households. I realize that I have to be willing to be used in a mighty way to cover this subject as it hits close to home in so many ways. I’m not so sure that this subject matter is meant for me to write either as a means to offer suggestions on how to keep abusive marriages together or for me to bring to light a common, yet sensitive, topic that has to be addressed to promote empowerment amongst those who are being victimized in their relationships. I hope that I will have your prayers as I am lead to be obedient to God’s instructions as He uses me to share my personal thoughts and experiences with you about abuse.

Also during this series, I will answer the second of three (3) questions, “What type of wife do I aspire to be?” You can find my response in the Hidden Treazure section of the blog page. Thanks so much for your readership, each of you are such a wonderful blessing to Wife Talk!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure