Heart of Treazure IV

Writing for Wife Talk, Series Three (3) has been a journey of transparency, transformation and truth. As this Series comes to a close, I am led to reflect upon each of the topics that I’ve written about (divorce, abuse, and serving God together). I have grown immensely along this journey both as a wife and as a writer, and I’ve most enjoyed sharing this experience with each of you. I thank God for stretching me beyond measure; and most importantly, for finding me worthy to be used to write for Wife Talk.

The next few weeks will be filled with rest and preparation as I seek God’s guidance on the content for the upcoming Series. In the meantime, I will continue to post weekly “From the Heart of Treazure.” If there are specific topics that you would like for me to write about, email your suggestions to wifetalkblog@yahoo.com. I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

I would like to thank the Invisible Secretary for the hard-work and dedication that has been given for the upkeep of this blog page. I also would like to thank Mrs. B.F. Brown for her commitment to editing the articles that grace the pages of Wife Talk. I would also like to thank each of the Wife Talk readers for logging in each week. It is my prayer that each of you receive exactly what you need from this blog. Last but not least, I could not do this if God did not allow me to be used as His vessel to deliver His message each week so that the Kingdom of God can be glorified.

I would like to give an extra special thanks to my Gem, my husband, “my him” for all of his love and support. As I strive to be as open with the Wife Talk reader as I possibly can about my experiences as a wife, I never want my transparency to place a shadow on your importance or feelings within our marriage. I love you!

As I go before the Lord seeking His purpose, plan and guidance for the next series, I ask that you please be prayerful about all things and pray for your “Gem”, yourself, the blog, and for me and my “Gem.” Again, thank you for being a blessing to Wife Talk.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Put God First & the Rest Will Follow

1 Peter 3:1-2

3:1 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

As I ponder over the topic of believers being married to unbelievers, I am led to the vows and responsibilities that each spouse has to the other. Within the marriage, God places the husband over the wife and God is over the husband and the wife. In a situation where the wife is a believer and her husband is not there yet, it can be stressful on the marriage if the wife is trying to fulfill her vow to be obedient and submissive to her husband. I’ve often been challenged by this myself. In this situation, I had to learn that although I want to honor my vows of obedience and submissiveness to my husband; however, as a woman of God, I have to first be obedient and submissive to Christ.

In the beginning of my marriage, God was important in my life, but my husband was the most important person in my life. I was a submissive wife and felt that I was being true to my marriage vows by doing so. All I wanted was to have a blissful marriage and wanted it to remain that way forever. As I began to grow in Christ, the order of who was most important in my life began to change. Now that Christ is the most important person in my life, and then my hubby and our marriage, I am in a better place; I am at peace. At first I didn’t know how this would affect my marriage as my husband has always known his place in my heart and in my life as number one (1). I shared with him about my growth in Christ and that God is now the head of my life. My husband understood this and he is happy for me. There have been moments of tension when I’ve made a choice or a decision that God has led me to make and my husband wasn’t included. I credit this to my husband’s lack of understanding of what it means to allow God to be head of your life. If God placed him as head over me within this marriage and he is not yet at a place where God is the head over his life, then I must be obedient to the Lord first. I know that I am the most important person in my husband’s life and that God is important to him also; he just needs to change the order of who’s most important to him. I believe that this will be accomplished through prayer and by example. I strive daily to be submissive to my husband and do so by being obedient to Christ!

1 Peter 3:1-2

3:1 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

In summary, 1Peter 3:1“When a man became a Christian, he usually would bring his whole family into the church with him (see for example, the story of the conversion of the Philippian jailer in Acts 16:29-33). By contrast, a woman who became a Christian usually came into the church alone. Under Roman law, the husband and father had absolute authority over all members of his household, including his wife. Demanding her rights as a free woman in Christ could endanger her marriage if her husband disapproved. Peter reassured Christian women who were married to unbelievers that they did not need to preach to their husbands. Under the circumstances, their best approach would be one of loving service: they should show their husbands the kind of self-giving love that Christ showed the church. By being exemplary wives, they would please their husbands. At the very least, the men would allow them to continue practicing their “strange” religion. At best, their husbands would join them and become Christians too.”

Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

To Believe, or Not to Believe

1Corinthians 7:12-14

7:12 “To the rest I say this (I not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”

What I want most for my marriage is for my hubby and me to serve the Lord together. This has been my desire and my prayer for many years. When my “him” and I first got married 10 years ago, I didn’t have the relationship with God then that I have with Him now. I have been on the road of spiritual growth for many, many years. As I have and continue to grow, I wish for my husband’s walk to be parallel to mine. I consider myself in the toddler stages and I still need to hold onto the table edge to remain standing as I take steps to draw closer to Christ. I often wonder when and if we will come to a place within our marriage of being equally yoked. When I have these thoughts, I’m always led to continue praying for my husband and our marriage and to allow God to have His way with him.

In Proverbs 31, Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character, my favorite verse is 31: 28 “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” I often attempt to plant seeds about the Lord and having a relationship with Christ to my husband and many times I’m left feeling as if I didn’t get through to him. This one verse is special to me because it is confirmation of how I want to live my life; as an example. I want my husband to see me living a life of obedience and serving the Lord, so that he’ll want to also. There are times when I become sad, frustrated and drained while witnessing my husband go through trials and tribulations, because I know that things would be easier for him if he would allow God to guide his steps. I have to remember that it’s not my battle, but the Lord’s.

1 Corinthians 7:12-14
7:12 “To the rest I say this (I not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”

In summary of these verses: 7:12 “Paul’s command about the permanence of marriage (7:10) comes from the Old Testament (Genesis 2:24) and from Jesus (Mark 10:2-12). His suggestion in this verse is based on God’s command, and Paul applies it to the situation the Corinthians were facing. Paul ranked the command above the suggestion because one is an eternal principle while the other is a specific application. Nevertheless, for the people in similar situations, Paul’s suggestion is the best advice they will get. Paul was a man of God, an apostle, and he had the mind of Christ.

7:12-14 “Because of their desire to serve Christ, some people in the Corinthian church thought they ought to divorce their pagan spouses and marry Christians. But Paul affirmed the marriage commitment. God’s ideal is for marriages to stay together-even when one spouse is not a believer. The Christian spouse should try to win the other to Christ. It would be easy to rationalize leaving; however, Paul makes a strong case for staying with the unbelieving spouse and being a positive influence on the marriage. Paul, like Jesus, believed that marriage is permanent (see Mark 10:1-9).

7:14 “The blessings that flow to believers don’t stop there but extend to others. God regards the marriage as “sanctified” (set apart for his use) by the presence of one Christian spouse. The other does not receive salvation automatically, but is helped by this relationship. The children of such a marriage are to be regarded as “holy” (because God’s blessings on the family unit) until they are old enough to decide for themselves.

Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

If you are a believer and your spouse does not yet believe, it can take its toll on a marriage. If you are planting seeds about the Lord to your spouse and it seems as though nothing is happening, don’t give up. Be consistent! Pray without ceasing and know that God is on your side. Often when we plant seeds, it seems as though it’s in vain, however, a dear cousin of mine stated to me that “sometimes we are not the intended individuals to plant the seeds; we may have been called to cultivate the soil in preparation for the seed to be planted.” Just remember to be the Christian you want to see in your husband, and God will handle the rest.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

From the Heart of Treazure, Part III

I’m astonished as I realize that Wife Talk Series Three (3) is drawing to a close! There are two topics (divorce and abuse) that I have written about thus far; however, I feel like this Series is just beginning. As I am writing this, I’m reflecting on the previously written topics of this Series, and I feel such an immense sense of gratitude that I made it through. Each topic has its own place of importance in my life and in sharing of my thoughts and experiences; I’ve grown in ways that I never imagined possible.

As I prepare to write about the final topic of this Series, “Serving God Together, Believers & Unbelievers”, I am anxious to share the message. If any of the three topics could best describe my long-awaited and most recent desire, this subject matter tops the list. There are a number of wonderful God-fearing women that I am blessed to have as friends and family members who are married and share this same desire for their spouses. I know a few good God-fearing single women who desire a believing spouse as their own. I understand that each of us is exactly where we are meant to be spiritually, and if we are not on the same page with our spouses, it is important to be prayerful and patient. God has a mighty plan in store for each marriage relationship and knowing the details of His plan is not always revealed in our timing, but in His. It is a privilege to know that God may want to use you as a helpmate to assist Him in turning an unbelieving spouse to a “believer.” How awesome would that be?

In discussing “Serving God Together, Believers & Unbelievers,” I will offer suggestions on being patient with an unbelieving spouse, the importance of prayer during the manifestation period, and allowing God to be in control of the situation. I will also answer the last of three (3) questions “Am I the kind of wife that God wants me to be?” that I posed to myself and each of you at the on-set of the Series. My response to this question will be located in the Hidden Treazure section of the blog page. This Series has been a journey of both courage and faith. I thank God for carrying me along the way and for each of you that have become a part of the Wife Talk family!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

No More Hurt, No More Pain

Matthew 5:21-22
5:21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

Abuse is never an easy topic to discuss, nor is it an easy topic to understand. Initially, I resisted writing about this subject matter because of my own personal experiences that stem back to my childhood, and then carried over at one time into my adulthood. I came to a revelation because of what I’ve witnessed and experienced that I am not the only one. There are many women in our society today that are living a life of abuse in one way or the other; domestic violence is at an all time high in marriages, and is rapidly increasing in teenage relationships. I had to let go of the shame and my fear of reliving these memories in order to share with you, the Wife Talk reader, my experiences and more importantly, my healing.

I have written about verbal abuse (Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words Will Never Hurt Me), emotional abuse (Emotional Wreck), mental abuse (Mental Warfare), and physical abuse (Keep Your Hands to Yourself), within the past four (4) weeks, and with each of these articles I’ve described the types of abuse that can occur within marriages and different methods that the abuser uses to control his spouse. The key word here is “control”. Control, coupled with yet another essential ingredient, anger, each contributes heavily to the ongoing cycle of abuse.

In writing on this subject matter, I’ve twice made reference to a childhood poem “Children Learn What They Live,” by Dorothy Law Nolte. So often, when attempting to understand how, why or what can make a person abuse another, we have to start at the root, the beginning. Abuse is a learned behavior. What a child lives and ultimately learns can contribute to the type(s) of abuse that he imposes on another. In some marriages, there are multiple forms of abuse. There are also a small number of marriages in which the wife is the abuser. Happily ever after is what most of us wished for when we said our “I Do’s;” but for many, this is not the case.

Matthew 5:21-22

5:21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”

In Summary: Matthew 5:21-22 “Killing is a terrible sin, but anger is a great sin too because it also violates God’s command to love. Anger in this case refers to a seething, brooding bitterness against someone. It is a dangerous emotion that always threatens to leap out of control, leading to violence, emotional hurt, increased mental stress, and spiritual damage. Anger keeps us from developing a spirit pleasing to God. Have you ever been proud that you didn’t strike out and say what was really on your mind? Self-control is good, but Christ wants us to practice thought-control as well. Jesus said that we will be held accountable even for our attitudes.”

Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

This concludes the topic of abuse. I am grateful to God for guiding me through my task of writing about something so personal that I once was ashamed of sharing with anyone. I had to find the courage to share of my experiences and those of my family members and friends with you, the Wife Talk Reader. I hope the message is clear : Abusive marriages and relationships have to end. In abusive relationships, both spouses need healing. God is able to bring healing to each spouse and any situation that you and your husband may encounter.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

James 1:19-20

1:19 “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

The image of Ike Turner smashing cake in Anna Mae Bullock’s (aka Tina Turner) face is as vivid to me today as when I first viewed the academy award nominees on screen in the 1993 film, “What’s Love Got to Do with It.” There were a number of memorable scenes that I recall which showcased the physically abusive and controlling relationship that Tina Turner once shared with her ex-husband Ike Turner. As a “Lifetime” channel viewer, I have seen numerous movies about abuse. One of the Lifetime movies that I’ve watched the most is the 1984 movie starring the late Farrah Fawcett, “The Burning Bed.” In each of these movies the physical abuse was so extreme; and both women hit rock bottom from the continuous beat downs before rising to the occasion and making a choice to end the abuse. Both of these movies are based on true life stories and the decisions regarding how to end the abusive marriages were very different.

It is easy for me to relate to the physical abuse that each of these women experienced, because I know of at least 10 family members and friends, including myself who have been in physically abusive relationships or marriages. The level of physical abuse and how often differs with each relationship. If you’ve been pushed, shoved, smacked, slapped, punched, kicked, thrown, or choked; you’ve experienced physical abuse. If you initiate the physical contact or fight back, you’re in a physically abusive relationship. I’ve often wondered how a man can say that “he loves” a woman, when he puts his hands on her in violent, non-gentle, non-loving ways. What brings a person to the point of wanting to hit another human being, especially if that person is a wife? Anger is the answer. I’m always drawn back to the signs that the abuser is angry (rage, tone of voice, the look in the eyes) enough to become violent and put his hands upon a person. I’ve also been told by family members and friends of how they notice the signs of angry spouses/partners that lead to violent encounters.

There are some women who are being physically abused and you wouldn’t have a clue. They have mastered how to cover up the bumps and bruises, how to camouflage the black eyes. No matter how well a person covers up the evidence of physical abuse, you can not cover up the pain of the scars inside. Physical abuse leaves a woman broken, her self-worth is shattered, and maybe this is the ultimate goal of the abuser. If you are being physically abused, you have the will power deep within to get up! You just need to tap into that strength and claim it!

James 1:19-20

1:19 “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

In Summary: “These verses speak of anger that erupts when our egos are bruised-“I am hurt,” “My opinions are not being heard.” When injustice and sin occur, we should become angry because others are being hurt. But we should not become angry when we fail to win an argument or when we feel offended or neglected. Selfish anger never helps anybody.

Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

I’m once again drawn back to the poem: “Children Learn What They Live,” by Dorothy Law Nolte. The second line of this poem reads: “If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.” It is important to remember that both the abused and the abuser suffer. Abuse is learned behavior. If your spouse is a physically abusive person, he needs to receive help. I encourage you to seek the Lord’s guidance in deciding the best plan of action to promote healing in your life and a healthy relationship.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Mental Warfare

2 Timothy 1: 7
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

We’ve all heard the slogan of the United Negro College Fund , “A Mind is A Terrible Thing to Waste,” filter from the mouth of the late Lou Rawls, this statement is true; but a mind is also a terrible thing to abuse. Our mindset determines everything within our lives. What we think about ourselves is what we will be or what we will become, unless we change our thought processes. Anyone, who mentally abuses another, aims to do one thing, and that is to control the mind of another person!

If you are living with a mentally abusive spouse, there is mental warfare going on in your home. Your husband views you as the enemy and he seeks to weaken or destroy you by mind control. The mission is clear; yet, the tactic may not be so obvious. Mental abuse (unlike physical abuse) is not always visible. A mental abuser may use words in more of a threatening way, such as; “If you do this, then I will…or I’m going to do that.” He will let you know the consequences if you do anything that displease him. A method to impose fear through threats and belittlement can torment you to no end. It becomes a constant battle between the two of you, until he wears you down. The mind is like a recorder; therefore, the threats and belittlement replay in your mind over and over until you start to believe you are who he says you are instead of realizing who God says you are.

In certain branches of Armed Services, drill sergeants use verbal and mental tactics to impose fear in soldiers to help prepare them for extreme situations they may encounter while performing the service of guarding and protecting our nation and other countries. This, however, is neither the way a husband should treat his wife nor the way a wife should treat her husband. Once something is drilled into your head (especially negative words), it’s challenging to reverse this train of thought.

2 Timothy 1:7
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

In Summary: 2 Timothy 1:6, 7 “Timothy was experiencing great opposition to his message and to himself as a leader. His youth, his association with Paul, and his leadership had come under fire from believers and nonbelievers alike. Paul urged him to be bold. When we allow people to intimidate us, we neutralize our effectiveness for God. The power of the Holy Spirit can help us overcome our fear of what some might say or do to us, so that we can continue to do God’s work.”

Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

I believe that “thoughts become things”, as I’ve heard author Wayne Dyer say on many occasions. What you think of yourself should really be determined by what God thinks of you. If your spouse is mentally abusive, he’s exhibiting learned behavior and needs a lesson on positive affirmations and reassurance of God’s love for him. I would encourage you to seek God’s guidance no matter the situation. He alone can provide the best possible solution based on your experiences. Again, I am aware that there are women who are abusive to their husbands, but men are the majority abusers within marriages.

Find the Jewel in you, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

My response to the question: “What kind of wife do I aspire to be” can be found under Hidden Treazure