Is he listening?

James 1:19
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

When conversing with your husband, do you ever find yourself wondering if you are talking just to be talking, or is your husband really listening to what it is that you are saying? I mean, this topic is one that has taken me a bit longer to grasp more so than any other topic that I’ve written thus far. You see, listening is a part of communication and without good communication; a relationship could hit rocky roads.

If you have ever experienced things like being in the midst of a conversation and your man walks off, or turns the channel, or picks up his cell phone and starts playing games, or he sits there in front of you and starts talking about something else, or perhaps he just doesn’t say anything at all; then you know what I mean when I ask “Is he listening”? If this has or does happen to you, what do you do? Well, if you’re like me (pre-grasping state), then you probably get pretty heated during these times, and from there, all chaos breaks loose. Once things have settled down, then the cycle usually reoccurs during one of those “you have something important to say moments”. What I chose to do (after I questioned if my husband had ever been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD), was to take notice of when this would occur. I had to ask myself if his listening to me was a problem all the time, or were there moments that he would actually listen and pay attention. Much to my surprise, there were quite a few recognizable moments that he actually listened to me and paid close attention to what I had to say. You know what was even more surprising? The times that he listened was reflected upon how I approached him.

I began to notice that when I talked at him rather than to him, he wouldn’t be involved in the conversation. If my tone was more like a mother talking to, or scolding her child rather than a loving wife respectfully discussing a subject with her husband; he wouldn’t be involved in the conversation. If I butted in or cut him off with my own personal opinions/suggestions when he was speaking, he would tune out. There were several times that I would start discussing things with him when he was already doing something else. The lesson that I had to learn was one of “picking and choosing” the right moments to discuss or tell my husband things. My husband does an excellent job of listening to me and he pays close attention to what I have to say when I approach him the right way.

What does approaching him the right way mean? It means to choose the right time to talk to your man. If he is doing something, then let him know that you need to talk to him as soon as he is available (preferably when you can have his undivided attention). Remember that you are his mate, so therefore; talk to him rather than at him. Also, when he is involved in the conversation, don’t give your advice or opinion about what he has to say, unless he requests it (sometimes he just needs for you to listen). You also should be mindful of how many times you say something to him, once (or twice) is enough, he’ll get it!

James 1:19 says: My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. To summarize this, when we talk too much and listen too little, we communicate to others that we think our ideas are much more important than theirs. James wisely advises us to reverse this process. Put a mental stopwatch on your conversations and keep track of how much you talk and how much you listen. When people talk with you, do they feel that their viewpoints and ideas have value?

Ladies, communication works two ways: talking and listening, so you have to be good at both in order to encourage your mate to do the same. Be to him what you want him to be to you (a good communicator)!

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

Holding Grudges

1 Corinthians 13:4-5
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Of course we’ve all been told a million times that it is not good or nice to hold a grudge, but how often do we ignore this advice? It can certainly happen to the best of us, but it is definitely not the best thing to do. Even more importantly, do we even realize that we are doing this, and if so, why? I think that it is natural human nature to hold on to things far longer than what we actually should when we have been wronged. Yes, there are the occasional times when we can just let a situation go, and be fine with it, however; most times it’s not that easy.

I have often battled with holding grudges in the past until I realized that it isn’t healthy to do so. Even when you think that you’ve let go of an issue, it can still resurface if something triggers it. How often have you referred to a past argument or conversation that you had with your spouse in which he said something that hurt your feelings? How many times have you referred back to something that he did that may have hurt you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Do you feel like you must use any and every opportunity to rub these things in his face? If so, you’re holding a grudge! Whatever the source of resentment, did you immediately let it go and decided to forgive, or are you still harboring those feelings of ill will because you haven’t fully processed the situation? It is very important to know exactly where you are with any situation that may be consistently reoccurring.

Holding a grudge towards your spouse can definitely run interference within a blissful marriage. Communicating effectively with your spouse either written or verbally is crucial to getting past any animosity that you may have. What I mean by communicating effectively is that you share with your husband exactly how the action that hurt you really made you feel. Also, if you can, it would be great to explain why it hurt you. If he said something that hurt your feelings, maybe he’s unaware that this happened, or if it was intentional, then he needs to know that that wasn’t cool. We can continue to place blame in a confrontational, attitudinal type of way that allows us to let off a little steam, however; it can cause a cycle of animosity once your spouse starts throwing things in your face about what you’ve done to him. Once you have opened up and shared with your husband how you feel, pray and ask God to assist you with forgiving, and thank Him in advance for not only the power to forgive but to forget as well. Also, ask your partner to bear with you as you go through this process. You don’t want to make him feel bad or uncomfortable; I’m sure he feels bad enough.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 says: 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. In summary: Our society confuses love and lust. Unlike lust, God’s kind of love is directed outward toward others, not inward toward ourselves. It is utterly unselfish. This kind of love goes against our natural inclinations. It is possible to practice this love only if God helps us set aside our own desires and instincts, so that we can give love while expecting nothing in return. Thus the more we become like Christ, the more love we will show to others.

Remember, 1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It keeps no record of wrongs (my personal favorite). Let the grudges go!

*Scripture quotations and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him.

Treazure

How is the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge for Wives coming along? I am finding it quite motivating and inspirational. It is also allowing me to realize a few things about myself. I’m on day 6, 24 more days to go!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Proverbs 31:11

“Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value”.

If you’re like me; at some point in your life, or maybe in a specific area of your life, you’ve experienced low self-esteem. Low self-esteem reflects a person’s overall self appraisal of his/her own worth. It doesn’t really matter how pretty, smart, friendly, or loving you are, low self-esteem is far more common in people than you may realize. It shows its head in far more people than you might expect.

I’ve experienced low self-esteem at different points in my life, and for different spans of time. Although I knew that I wasn’t feeling good about myself, I didn’t fully connect the dots that pointed to low self-esteem right away, but once I did, the cover up began. Most people that knew me probably thought that I could never suffer from low self-esteem, as I’ve always carried myself very well. I knew how to wear the smile and act the part, but deep down inside I was crumbling. To the outside world, I was a very attractive, happy-go-lucky person secure within herself; but to those closest to me, I was an emotional wreck! And yes, I was battling with low self-esteem when I met my husband!

I would often find myself questioning whether or not he found other women more attractive than me, I was quick to point out his flaws, I was often defensive of myself when it wasn’t even necessary, and at times I would look for things to accuse him of when there was no evidence or reason to do so. I would often find myself being confrontational with him, and there were even moments when I was too needy. You know, needing to be in his face 24/7, or needing to hear him say that he loved me (when I knew that he loved me very much), or needing to be complimented far more than I was already being complimented. I needed conformation that I was a good woman/wife to him. In the beginning, low self-esteem caused me to feel insecure about myself and my abilities to be a good wife. If you see yourself in any of the things that I have mentioned, then it’s a strong possibility that you experience or have experienced low self-esteem. If you do, then it is time to take a close personal inventory of why you are experiencing this.

You see, there are a number of reasons why a person may experience low self-esteem. The cause ranges from childhood abuse (physical, mental, emotional, sexual, or verbal) to parents getting divorced, to parents having addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling), being picked on and taunted by your peers, to being in abusive relationships. Whatever the reason, if left unattended, low self-esteem can first and foremost ruin you as a person, but it can also be detrimental to your marriage/relationship.

Low self-esteem is a result of a chronic state of repressed feelings. Within your marriage, it brings about friction, which brings about mistrust, which in turn brings about poor communication. If there is lack of trust and communication within a marriage, what do you really have? What makes this so interesting is that men experience low self-esteem also. When experiencing lack of self-worth, share this with your spouse. The more open that you are with him the better you will begin to feel. Luckily for me, I have a very loving and understanding husband who stood by my side as I worked through my issues on my journey to healing. For this, I will always be grateful.

You have to know that in order for anyone to truly love, respect, and admire you, it is pertinent that you love, respect, and admire yourself. It makes for an even better relationship with your mate. It is interesting that I was led to start this week’s column from the same place that I left off, and that‘s Proverbs, Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character.

It states in Proverbs 31:11 “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” To summarize this, Proverbs has a lot to say about women. How fitting that the book ends with a picture of a woman of strong character, great wisdom, many skills, and great compassion. Some people have mistaken the idea that the ideal woman in the Bible is retiring, servile, and entirely domestic. Not so! This woman is an excellent wife and mother. Her strength and dignity do not come from her amazing achievements, however. They are a result for her reverence for God.

I would like to say that it is important to realize your true self-worth, the beautiful jewel that God created in you. Allow God to polish away all of your inclusions (flaws), so that you may brilliantly shine for the entire world to see!

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Wife Talk Introduction 2008

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Greetings,

Happy New Year! It is such a blessing and honor to be back! I would like to thank everyone that faithfully logged in each week during the 1st series, those who made comments, and those that have chosen to return. To the new viewers, I’d like to say “welcome” to Wife Talk.

I chose to take time off from the blog during the holidays, and by doing so, it gave me the opportunity to reflect on the new series of topics, as well as the overall goal of this blog (which is listed below). My prayer is that God continues to be glorified in every topic, and that each Wife Talk viewer receives exactly what you need. Your comments and suggestions are always welcomed and appreciated.

Wife talk is a weekly inspirational column for wives. This column is not based on the advice or guidance of any professional counselors or psychologists. It is the thoughts and opinions of a wife of eight years, and her friends who have been married anywhere from 2-10 years. It is based on the personal experiences of these women. This column will reveal some of the common ups and downs, ins and outs, highs and lows of marriage from their point of view. The column is raw and honest, but at the same time; it has a spiritual perspective on each topic. This column will cover what’s on the hearts and minds of women who are in both loving and nurturing marriages, as well as those who are in abusive marriages, and anything in between. It will cover what works in marriages, and what doesn’t; why women stay, and why they so often contemplate leaving. It will also provide a much needed support system for wives who want to connect with other women who share the same commonalities within marriages.

My hope is that as wives, we learn and understand what it truly means to be a husbands’ helpmate. The column topics for our second series are listed below (an *has been placed in front of the topic requested by a viewer in which I changed the topic name).

*Low Self-Esteem (what it does to a relationship)
Holding Grudges
Is He Listening?
Feeling Unappreciated
Walking in His Shoes (put yourself in his place)
The Other Woman (mother of your stepchildren and/or your mother-in-law)
Setting Goals for Your Marriage
Keeping It Fresh (how to keep the fire burning)
Purpose as a Couple (fulfilling God’s plan for your marriage)
Do You! (2nd most important thing a wife can do for her husband)

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

I hope that all is well with each viewer, and as I stated last week, this is the treat that I've been waiting to share with you. I hope that each of you will take the challenge of this 31 Day Prayer! It really is amazing, and the results are everlasting. I am still checking the emails daily for topic suggestions for the upcoming 2008 columns. I would love to hear from you. Thanks again for logging in to Wife Talk. Happy Holidays!!!

Below is the link to the 31-Day Prayer--Praying For Your Husband.

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/prayingforyourhusband.pdf

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

Praying for Your Husband

Proverbs 31:12
“She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

One of the most important things that a wife can do for her husband is pray for him. This one act alone is not only a responsibility, but a privilege. God’s plan for marriage is for the husband to be the head of this union, and Satan’s plan is to destroy the husband, his character, and leadership within the marriage.

There is always going to be one thing or the other that may pose challenges within your marriage. It doesn’t matter if your husband is employed or unemployed, a communicator or non-communicator, affectionate or unaffectionate, clean or addict, punctual or procrastinator, free or locked up, family man or workaholic, Christian or non-believer, he is your husband and he needs your prayers. Be willing to surrender your husband and marriage daily to the Lord’s wise, loving care through prayer. Trust that God will hear your prayers and answer them.

I sometimes think that God is in heaven saying to Himself that He is going to close his ears if I send up even one more prayer for my husband, because I pray for my husband all the time! I sometimes get tired, but I know that I can’t stop because Satan is just waiting and lurking in the distance and he knows that I have a very strong and clear message for him: This is one husband, marriage, and family that will not be taken down by him!

Proverbs 31:12 states: ”She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” Basically, this means to bless your husband by praying for him! There is an Epilogue: the Wife of Noble Character, which is Proverbs 31:10-31 that I have found to be a beautiful example of what every wife should strive to be to the best of her ability. If you have the opportunity, take a look at it.

At the beginning of this year, my husband and I experienced a challenge with Satan, and I am proud and happy to say that we overcame that attack because of the power of prayer, and the grace of God. During that time, my best friend of 20 years shared with me a tool to use to strengthen my prayers for the love of my life (my Him). It is an instructional titled: Praying for Your Husband-31 Days of Prayer. It changed my way of praying for my husband, but it also allowed me to identify with what God wants for husbands. I will share this with you as a special treat on next week!

I would like to thank God for everyone that was led to view this site, and for the many viewers to come. I would also like to thank those of you that He used to get others to view the site (you know who you are). It has been such an experience writing this blog over the past 10 weeks, and I look forward to writing a new series of columns beginning in January 2008. Please know that I will be posting special treats for you during the month of December, as well as checking the email for topic suggestions for the New Year. The email address is wifetalkblog@yahoo.com. I would like to say a very special thank you to The Invisible Secretary for this page and the weekly postings. I love you!

*Scripture quotation is taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

*Scripture summary is taken from the Praying for Husband Instructional.

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

P.S. Ladies, we need our husbands, our children need their fathers, and the world needs our men! Let’s save our marriages, our families. Pray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 Thessalonians 5:1

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I would like to express my gratitude for this column and the many individuals who have viewed it. I thank God each and every day for his many wonderful blessings, his guidance, and his mercy. I am most grateful for my husband, our marriage, our family, and dear friends. This has been an amazing and enlightening year for me and I take time out each day to give thanks for God's saving grace.

While you all are filling your bellies, and enjoying the presence of your loved ones, be in prayer for those who are away from their family and friends fighting a war for our country. Also, be prayerful for those who are imprisoned, hospitalized, homeless, and hungry. There are so many people all over the world who are suffering today, and we can certainly lift them up with prayers.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." In summary, our joy, prayers, and thankfulness should not fluctuate with our circumstances or feelings. Obeying these three goes against our natural inclinations. When we make a conscious decision to do what God says, however, we will begin to see people in a new perspective. When we do God's will, we will find it easier to be joyful and thankful.

*Scripture and summary are taken from the Life Application Bible(NIV).

Ha

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!!

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

Join me next week for the final column of series one Wife Talk, it's my favorite topic of all, "Praying for your Husband."