Emotional Wreck

1 Peter 3:7
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Is it possible to experience one kind of abuse without being affected by another? It’s hard to imagine not, as there is a common link between each type. When I look at one of the definitions for “wreck”, given by the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary, it reads: “a person or animal of broken constitution, health or spirits.” How can a person’s spirit not be broken if she/he is a victim of mental, physical, verbal or emotional abuse? I know that we’ve all had our feelings hurt a time or two, but for someone who deals with or has dealt with emotional abuse, hurt feelings can leave one torn down.

Emotional abuse like verbal abuse is not noticeable to the eye (unlike physical abuse), and can be more discreet than verbal abuse. It’s sometimes camouflaged as “giving advice”, “guidance”, or “teaching”; thus, coming off more subtle and unrecognizable. Intimidation is a more aggressive form of emotional abuse and happens as accusations, threats, or orders. This can weigh heavily on a person, increasing tension and stress within the body, mind and spirit. A husband that demands constant attention from you and wants you to put everything else to the side to tend to his needs, is being emotionally abusive. You may think that he’s spoiled; and for some that may be the case, but if you are subjected to constant criticism and belittlement along with his needy behavior, then he’s not spoiled.

It’s important to be honest with yourself about what’s happening and consider what can be done about it, or you’ll eventually blame yourself for how you’re being treated. Deliberate arguments, are yet another type of emotional abuse, and I had no idea of such. Abuse is designed for the purpose of being able to control another individual. There are several different behaviors that can assist in accomplishing this if you are not made aware of them.

1 Peter 3:7
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

To summarize this: 1 Peter 3:7 When Peter calls women the “weaker” partners, he does not imply moral or intellectual inferiority, but he is recognizing women’s physical limitations. Women in his day, if unprotected by men, were vulnerable to attack, and financial disaster. Women’s lives may be easier today, but women are still vulnerable to criminal attack and family abuse. And in spite of increased opportunities in the workplace, most women still earn considerably less than men, and the vast majority of the nation’s poor are single mother’s and their children. A man who honors his wife as a member of the weaker sex will protect, respect, help, and stay with her. He will not expect her to work full-time outside the home and full-time at home; he will lighten her load wherever he can. He will be sensitive to her needs, and he will relate to her with courtesy, consideration, insight and tact. Also in 1Peter 3:7 If a man is not considerate and respectful of his wife, his prayers will be hindered, because a living relationship with God depends on right relationships with others. Jesus said that if you have a problem with a fellow believer, you must make it right with that person before coming to worship (Matthew 5:23, 24). This principle carries over into family relationships. If men use their position to mistreat their wives, their relationship with God will suffer.

Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

I would like to reiterate that all abuse that happens within marriages is not always done by the male spouse, as wives’ can be abusive too; however, in most cases, the male is the abuser. In either case, please lean not on your own understanding, but look to the Lord for guidance.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones but Words Will Never Hurt Me

Proverbs 11:9

“With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape.”

My mind drifts back to my early childhood school days to the first time I witnessed the wrath of the class bully. Although I wasn’t the target, I certainly felt the pain from his ugly words being directed at one of my friends. The name-calling seemed as if it would never end, and I was sure that my friend wanted to climb into a hole. To my surprise, however, I heard her say to him, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” When I heard those words come from her mouth, I was proud that she stood up for herself; but I could tell from the look in her eyes that she was ripped to pieces.

In actuality, words do hurt if used in a way that tears you down; and if the person using those words is your husband, it hurts even worse. Verbal abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse within marriages, and also the one less likely to be noticed. Verbal abuse can go unnoticed because there are no signs of visible proof (such as with physical abuse), and most verbal abusers torment their victims behind closed doors and out of the hearing zone of others. Name calling (stupid, lazy, fat, etc.) and belittlement (you don’t ever do nothing around here, when are you going to grow a brain, I should’ve married someone prettier, smarter, etc.) may start out as teasing, then increase to more direct intentional verbalization (the B word, I hate you, etc.) in an attempt to control the victim.

I will admit that my very first encounter with any form of abuse began at an extremely young age. I witnessed and overheard verbal abuse toward my mother. Even as a preschooler, I could feel the effect that this type of abuse left on one’s spirit. Although she would put on a smile for my sake, my mother was so torn down. I felt her pain because I was saddened and hurt for her. This continued on for years and finally it was time for me to leave the nest. Once I did so, I also witnessed a very dear friend experience the same thing during the brief time that I attended college. I used to convince myself that I would never allow any man to talk to me or treat me that way. After leaving college, I moved to a new city and made new friends. It was then that I also encountered this behavior being used toward a very good friend of mine. She and I had been friends for quite sometime, and it was because of her that I met my husband (my Him). I am approaching my tenth-year wedding anniversary, and I will say that, I too, at one time experienced the same verbal abuse that I witnessed in my home as a child, in college, and as a young adult. It has happened to me.

It wasn’t until I started praying and asking God to deliver me from this type of unhealthiness that I began to realize a few interesting revelations. The first being that a person will do to me, only what I allow him to; and secondly, if a person is treating me this way, then he must be in far more turmoil than what’s being inflicted upon me. People that are abusive have either been personally abused or witnessed abuse. Abuse is a learned behavior. I remember a childhood poem that my mother shared with me titled: “Children Learn what They Live”, by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph. D. The first line of this poem it reads, “If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.” Abuse in any form is an unacceptable and continuous cycle that needs to be broken.

I thank God for hearing and answering my prayers for both my hubby and myself. It was during those times that I prayed more for my husband than for myself. I had carried the pain from earlier abuse all my life, so I related to the pain that he experienced. It allowed me to empathize with him as opposed to being angry, unforgiving and unsympathetic. We are still works in progress, and I hope that our story can be a blessing to other couples who may be going through the same.

Proverbs 11:9

“With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape.”

Summary:The mouth can be used either as a weapon or a tool, hurting relationships or building them up. Sadly, it is often easier to destroy than to build, and most people have received more destructive comments than those that build up. Every person you meet today is either a demolition site or a construction opportunity. Your words will make a difference. Will they be weapons for destruction or tools for construction?

Scripture Quotations and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

There are known cases of women who are the verbal abusers within the marriage relationship; however, statistics show that there is a larger percentage of men who are the abusers in the home. In either case, it’s not healthy for the individuals, or the marriage. Ask God to direct your steps in working toward healing, growth, and forgiveness. Remember, with God you can be strong and although “Sticks and stones may break your bones, words will never hurt you.”

Be the dazzling jewel that He created you to be!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

From the Heart of Treazure, Part II

I’m sincerely grateful to have finished writing about divorce, the first topic for Wife Talk Series Three (3). Now it is time to move on to the next topic of this series, abuse. Although there are several different types of abuse that can occur, I will be writing about four (4), (verbal, mental, emotional, and physical), and the effects that each has on a marriage. This subject is particularly challenging for me to write about as I have either witnessed or experienced abuse in one form or another.

Abuse is more common amongst women than you may think, but it’s usually kept quiet in most households. I realize that I have to be willing to be used in a mighty way to cover this subject as it hits close to home in so many ways. I’m not so sure that this subject matter is meant for me to write either as a means to offer suggestions on how to keep abusive marriages together or for me to bring to light a common, yet sensitive, topic that has to be addressed to promote empowerment amongst those who are being victimized in their relationships. I hope that I will have your prayers as I am lead to be obedient to God’s instructions as He uses me to share my personal thoughts and experiences with you about abuse.

Also during this series, I will answer the second of three (3) questions, “What type of wife do I aspire to be?” You can find my response in the Hidden Treazure section of the blog page. Thanks so much for your readership, each of you are such a wonderful blessing to Wife Talk!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Make It Last Forever

Luke 16:18
“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

In the past five weeks, I’ve written about some of the common factors within our society that lead couples to seek marital dissolution, “a.k.a.” divorce. While writing about these factors, I’ve noticed a common denominator amongst the list that is the ultimate influence on the decision to end a marriage, “lack.” In the first article of this series, “Sacred Vows”, the article discussed divorce, but it focused on lack of commitment being a reason that some seek divorce. In “To Trust or Not to Trust”, obviously, lack of trust was the focus here, and with “Open Lines of Communication”, lack of communication was the basis of the article. I also wrote an article titled “Other People’s Property”, where lack of faithfulness within the marriage was the focus; and finally, last week I wrote “No Romance without Finance”, which dealt with a lack of money. Now, as you can see the “lack” of something exists within these common reasons.

To lack, means “to be without”, or “not have”. If you lack any of these within your marriage (commitment, trust, communication, faithfulness, or money), then it’s easy to understand why one may ponder the subject of divorce. However, I want you to consider something else. I want you to consider not making divorce an option for your marriage. Even if you’re full within your marriage at this time, and lack nothing; divorce should not be an option at any time. You see, whatever it is that your marriage may lack now, God can bless you with it in abundance. We all have situations that may arise in our relationships; but when we said our vows, we made a commitment to God and our spouse. The promise was “for better or worse”, and for a lifetime.

Luke 16:18
“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

Summary: Most religious leaders of Jesus’ day permitted a man to divorce his wife for nearly any reason. Jesus’ teaching about divorce went beyond Moses’ (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Stricter than any of the then-current schools of thought, Jesus’ teachings shocked his hearers (see Matthew 19:10) just as they shake today’s readers. Jesus says in no uncertain terms that marriage is a lifetime commitment. To leave your spouse for another person may be legal, but it is adultery in God’s eyes. As you think about marriage, remember that God intends it to be a permanent commitment.

Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

You made a commitment to make it to the altar, so make the commitment to see your marriage through. As I’ve said before, marriage is a trinity between you, your spouse, and God. It takes all three for it to work, but it can’t and it won’t work without the Lord. Ask Him to shape your marriage for His purposes and be willing to allow Him to do so. It says in Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

No Romance without Finance

Luke 12: 22- 26
“22Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

It’s the daily topic of most of our discussions, in the work place, during play dates, or on the phone with our friends; we just can’t seem to help ourselves. It’s one of the things that we all have in common, although we may be in different classes. You can’t turn on the television without hearing about it on the news or it being the butt of a joke in a comedy or mentioned more seriously in a drama. Neither can you pick up the paper without viewing it in a headline, or subtitle. I’m talking about money! You can have an abundance of it, hardly any, or maybe you fall somewhere in between; but whatever the case; we are all affected by it in one way or another. The economy is in a recession, which means that we are being more mindful of how we spend our money. Most household budgets have changed in a way that we are more cautious of spending habits. Employment statistics are at an all time low (sending some into panic with worries of how to survive), as there is either one income or no income homes because so many Americans have lost their jobs. Money matters are never really cut and dry, as it is usually a topic that can spark heated debates in politics, careers, and in households.

We haven’t always been in a recession, although it may seem that way. However, money has been and still is on the list of most common reasons why married couples seek divorce. You may wonder why but think back to a time prior to marriage when you were concerned about making ends meet. If you’ve ever had a situation like that, then you know just how stressful it can be. Now, fast forward to the marriage where either one or both spouse(s) is stressed about finances. This can take a toll on a marriage in a big way. There are some couples that have money problems that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the recession. There are some husbands who are envious of their wife for example, because she earns a higher salary. There are some marriages that have financial issues because only one spouse works. There are also marriages that suffer because of lack of budgeting knowledge, or refusal of a spouse to stick to a budget, which can turn into money management problems. I’m sure, at some point, we have all had a bump or bruise in the money department.

Take my marriage for example; this is the one area that my husband and I have battled it out the most. For one, we share some commonalities about finances in that we both know that we need money to live, budgeting is necessary, and financial goal-setting is important. Implementation and dedication to these is the source of our issues, however. We come from similar backgrounds of family structure in that we’ve each witnessed our parents struggle to make ends meet and neither of us learned from them (at least not at a young age), about the importance of budgeting. My hubby learned about it from his mother when he was older. I learned of it (in my teens) from one of the most important women in my life, my Aunt Di. Although we didn’t live in the same city, once I started working she always used to stress the importance of being on a budget (giving God His, paying bills, paying yourself, and putting some in savings). I never applied what she taught me as I was very irresponsible with money. I used it for what I wanted and if I ran out, I would just wait to take care of “whatever needed to be taken care of” when I got my next check. Those days are long gone (thank the Lord) and now I value the information that she taught me. It’s so easy to be in a “rob Peter to pay Paul” situation, and a lot of marriages experience this.

If money is a problem in your marriage, it’s important to know why. I think that it’s important to reflect on what you learned about money as a child. It’s also important to loose yourself of bad habits with money. If money is scarce and you and your spouse are worried, it can become burdensome on the relationship causing other areas in your marriage to deteriorate. If financial issues are causing a strain on your marriage due to either the recession or otherwise, it is a direct reflection of lack of trust that God can supply your needs.

Luke 12: 22-26
“22 Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

In summary: Jesus commands us not to worry. But how can we avoid it? Only faith can free us from the anxiety caused by greed and covetousness. It is good to work and plan responsibly; it is bad to dwell on all the ways our planning could go wrong. Worry is pointless because it can’t fill any of our needs; worry is foolish because the Creator of the universe loves us and knows what we need. He promises to meet all our real needs, but not necessarily all our desires.

Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Bible (NIV).

The financial situation within each marriage may be different; however, the subject of money is the same. If you are free of money issues or if you have money problems, worrying about losing it or not having it to take care of your family needs should never worry you. When we worry about money we are ultimately giving up on believing that God is able to provide for us. It doesn’t matter that we are in a recession, because God’s resources are unlimited! Look to Him to guide you and your mate in being good stewards over your money as well as strengthening your faith that He can and will provide all your needs.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Other People’s Property

Hosea 3:1
“The Lord said to me, Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

When I read this scripture, it made me realize that only the will of God could make me stay with my husband in the matter of adultery or infidelity. The knowledge of unfaithfulness would be enough to send one’s mind racing with not only the thought of how this could happen, but why? In an instant, the mind would begin to brainstorm, listing all of the reasons why this should definitely not occur. I’m a good wife, I work hard, I’m loving, supportive, a good housekeeper, we have a healthy intimate relationship, I’m prayerful and encouraging, I’m the mother of his children, and so on and so on. All of these things would make the list I’m sure, but none of it is enough to keep the unthinkable from happening.

It’s so easy to assume that being married is an automatic pass that eliminates you from being a potential candidate for an episode of “Cheaters”. Although marriage should end ones desire to “sow his royal oats”, adultery can and does happen within a lot of marriages today. Adultery is one of the most common reasons why couples divorce within our society, leading me to again ask the question, what’s lacking in the relationship? The lack may be with one or the other of you, or within the marriage as a whole. It’s challenging enough to work on maintaining a healthy marriage, and to find out that your spouse is making nice with someone else is not the answer. This could bring your marriage to a screeching halt when you thought that you were cruising along just fine. It doesn’t matter how pretty, intelligent, loyal, supportive, prayerful, dutiful or great you are in bed, adultery can and does happen. The deception is enough to make you want to hurt somebody. When adultery occurs, it shatters the family structure. You wonder does the other person know that your spouse is married; and if so, what kind of a person would wreak havoc on a marriage? What if you found out that your spouse has developed feelings for this individual and more than sleeping together has taken place? Is your health at risk? All of these things are placed on the table when the sacred vow of matrimony is tarnished.

If this were to happen to you, would you be willing to put the pieces back together? Do you think that you could love your spouse and forgive him for the ultimate act of betrayal? Would you be willing to put your trust in him again? Would you have thoughts of what it would say about you if you did accept a cheating spouse back into your life, your bed, your heart?

Hosea 3:1
“The Lord said to me, Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

This Summary of scripture reads: This short chapter pictures the nation’s exile and return. Israel would experience a time of purification in a foreign land, but God would still love the people and would be willing to accept them back. God commanded Hosea to show the same forgiving spirit to Gomer. Although Hosea had good reason to divorce Gomer, he was told to buy her back and love her.

*Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Bible (NIV).

To accept an adulterous spouse back into your life would say a lot about you, it would be the ultimate act of Godliness. It takes a very special and faithful person to be obedient to God’s will. After all, we only want His will to be done in our lives, and our marriages. Take each and every matter to God and allow Him to guide you back to love. It’s not to say that it would be easy, but your marriage can be restored.

Find the Jewel in You, see the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Open Lines of Communication

Proverbs 13:17
“A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.”

How often have you said the words “He just doesn’t communicate with me”! If it’s been said once, it’s been said a thousand times. What does this really mean when we say those words? What are we really asking of our husbands when we desire that they communicate with us? Lack of communication is probably one of the most common reasons for divorce within our society today. However, there is an art to communicating with one another and often we neglect to take the time to develop this technique. It’s not just about communicating, it’s about communicating effectively! In order to communicate effectively, we must be willing not only to speak, but to listen. For those who are longtime readers of Wife Talk, you may recall the topic of “Is He Listening” from Series 2. In that article, I discussed the importance of communication as well as the importance of choosing the best times to discuss things with your mate so that the two of you can do so effectively. I think that it’s wise to become aware of your own personal communication skills. If you think that you communicate well because you say exactly what’s on your mind, that doesn’t necessarily make you a good communicator. There are a few things that I would like to share that have worked for me in an effort to open the lines of effective communication with my husband. I would also like to share the things that did not work so well. I think it’s important that I’m honest with you when I say keeping the lines of clear and effective communication open is a process that I often have to revisit, as it is easy to slip back into old patterns.

I have learned the importance of knowing what communication means to me and how I communicate best. For example, it is important to me that my husband and I have what I’d like to call “Family Talk” every now and again to discuss where we are individually and within the marriage. During this time, I try my best to remain silent until he’s shared all that he has to about his thoughts and feelings and I expect the same when it’s my time to speak. Although I would love for this to take place at least once a week, I don’t get bent out of shape if it doesn’t. However, I make sure that we do this as often as possible so that we can keep a strong connection.

Communication to me means that each of us makes a commitment to be present and accountable for quality talk time where we each have the floor to share as well as receive information that the other has to give. There have been times when even the best effort to communicate was ruined by hurt feelings therefore causing the discussion to become tense or even closed. It was during one of these times that I realized that my best way to communicate to my husband was through writing. I often write him letters to express what I’m thinking and feeling. I usually leave the letter in a place that I know he’ll see it, and I put no pressure on him to read it. I allow him to read it on his own time. He most often receives the information better from me in written form, which then leads to us having more effective verbal communication.

When discussing the things that don’t work for me, I will say that trying to have a discussion when he’s preoccupied with other things is usually not good because I don’t have his undivided attention. I mean if he’s watching television or relaxing or writing music then of course I’ll be shut out. I no longer try to tell him what he’s thinking or feeling especially if he hasn’t said it himself. Just because I know my husband, doesn’t entitle me to be prideful in my level of Clair cognizance. Also, beating around the bush is not good! There were times when I wasn’t sure if he would be offended by what I had to say or not, so I would take a long time getting it out. I had to learn how to express myself. Talking at my hubby rather than talking to him, as well as not being mindful of my tone of voice never ended on a positive note. It always caused an explosive argument. Finally, I must admit that I am a talker, a nurturer, and I like to “fix” or shall I say “resolve” things. I definitely had to realize that when my husband communicates with me, he’s not always looking for nor does he need a response, an opinion or a solution. If he needs either of those above mentioned things, he knows how to ask.

Proverbs 13:17
“A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.”

In Summary: In Solomon’s day, a king had to rely on messengers for information about his country. These messengers had to be trustworthy. Inaccurate information could even lead to bloodshed. Reliable communication is still vital. If the message received is different from the message sent, marriages, businesses, and diplomatic relations can all break down. It is important to choose your words well and to avoid reacting until you clearly understand what the other person means.

*Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

I would like to end this week’s article with the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary definition of three (3) words:

Communication: (1) an act or instance of transmitting (2) (a) information communicated (b) a verbal or written message (3) a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior (b) personal rapport.

Communicate: transitive verb- (1) share (2) a: to convey knowledge or information about: make known (b) to reveal by clear signs (3) to cause to pass from one to another. Intransitive verb- (2) to transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily received or understood (3) to open into each other.

It is my recommendation that we become aware of the meaning of each of the above words in order to connect or reconnect with our mates, however, my personal practice which I highly recommend for married couples is that of the third and final word: Commune- to communicate intimately. Ladies, when you start to feel that the lines of communication are down between you are your spouse, commune with one another!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure