From the Heart of Treazure, Part II

I’m sincerely grateful to have finished writing about divorce, the first topic for Wife Talk Series Three (3). Now it is time to move on to the next topic of this series, abuse. Although there are several different types of abuse that can occur, I will be writing about four (4), (verbal, mental, emotional, and physical), and the effects that each has on a marriage. This subject is particularly challenging for me to write about as I have either witnessed or experienced abuse in one form or another.

Abuse is more common amongst women than you may think, but it’s usually kept quiet in most households. I realize that I have to be willing to be used in a mighty way to cover this subject as it hits close to home in so many ways. I’m not so sure that this subject matter is meant for me to write either as a means to offer suggestions on how to keep abusive marriages together or for me to bring to light a common, yet sensitive, topic that has to be addressed to promote empowerment amongst those who are being victimized in their relationships. I hope that I will have your prayers as I am lead to be obedient to God’s instructions as He uses me to share my personal thoughts and experiences with you about abuse.

Also during this series, I will answer the second of three (3) questions, “What type of wife do I aspire to be?” You can find my response in the Hidden Treazure section of the blog page. Thanks so much for your readership, each of you are such a wonderful blessing to Wife Talk!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Make It Last Forever

Luke 16:18
“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

In the past five weeks, I’ve written about some of the common factors within our society that lead couples to seek marital dissolution, “a.k.a.” divorce. While writing about these factors, I’ve noticed a common denominator amongst the list that is the ultimate influence on the decision to end a marriage, “lack.” In the first article of this series, “Sacred Vows”, the article discussed divorce, but it focused on lack of commitment being a reason that some seek divorce. In “To Trust or Not to Trust”, obviously, lack of trust was the focus here, and with “Open Lines of Communication”, lack of communication was the basis of the article. I also wrote an article titled “Other People’s Property”, where lack of faithfulness within the marriage was the focus; and finally, last week I wrote “No Romance without Finance”, which dealt with a lack of money. Now, as you can see the “lack” of something exists within these common reasons.

To lack, means “to be without”, or “not have”. If you lack any of these within your marriage (commitment, trust, communication, faithfulness, or money), then it’s easy to understand why one may ponder the subject of divorce. However, I want you to consider something else. I want you to consider not making divorce an option for your marriage. Even if you’re full within your marriage at this time, and lack nothing; divorce should not be an option at any time. You see, whatever it is that your marriage may lack now, God can bless you with it in abundance. We all have situations that may arise in our relationships; but when we said our vows, we made a commitment to God and our spouse. The promise was “for better or worse”, and for a lifetime.

Luke 16:18
“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

Summary: Most religious leaders of Jesus’ day permitted a man to divorce his wife for nearly any reason. Jesus’ teaching about divorce went beyond Moses’ (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Stricter than any of the then-current schools of thought, Jesus’ teachings shocked his hearers (see Matthew 19:10) just as they shake today’s readers. Jesus says in no uncertain terms that marriage is a lifetime commitment. To leave your spouse for another person may be legal, but it is adultery in God’s eyes. As you think about marriage, remember that God intends it to be a permanent commitment.

Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

You made a commitment to make it to the altar, so make the commitment to see your marriage through. As I’ve said before, marriage is a trinity between you, your spouse, and God. It takes all three for it to work, but it can’t and it won’t work without the Lord. Ask Him to shape your marriage for His purposes and be willing to allow Him to do so. It says in Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

No Romance without Finance

Luke 12: 22- 26
“22Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

It’s the daily topic of most of our discussions, in the work place, during play dates, or on the phone with our friends; we just can’t seem to help ourselves. It’s one of the things that we all have in common, although we may be in different classes. You can’t turn on the television without hearing about it on the news or it being the butt of a joke in a comedy or mentioned more seriously in a drama. Neither can you pick up the paper without viewing it in a headline, or subtitle. I’m talking about money! You can have an abundance of it, hardly any, or maybe you fall somewhere in between; but whatever the case; we are all affected by it in one way or another. The economy is in a recession, which means that we are being more mindful of how we spend our money. Most household budgets have changed in a way that we are more cautious of spending habits. Employment statistics are at an all time low (sending some into panic with worries of how to survive), as there is either one income or no income homes because so many Americans have lost their jobs. Money matters are never really cut and dry, as it is usually a topic that can spark heated debates in politics, careers, and in households.

We haven’t always been in a recession, although it may seem that way. However, money has been and still is on the list of most common reasons why married couples seek divorce. You may wonder why but think back to a time prior to marriage when you were concerned about making ends meet. If you’ve ever had a situation like that, then you know just how stressful it can be. Now, fast forward to the marriage where either one or both spouse(s) is stressed about finances. This can take a toll on a marriage in a big way. There are some couples that have money problems that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the recession. There are some husbands who are envious of their wife for example, because she earns a higher salary. There are some marriages that have financial issues because only one spouse works. There are also marriages that suffer because of lack of budgeting knowledge, or refusal of a spouse to stick to a budget, which can turn into money management problems. I’m sure, at some point, we have all had a bump or bruise in the money department.

Take my marriage for example; this is the one area that my husband and I have battled it out the most. For one, we share some commonalities about finances in that we both know that we need money to live, budgeting is necessary, and financial goal-setting is important. Implementation and dedication to these is the source of our issues, however. We come from similar backgrounds of family structure in that we’ve each witnessed our parents struggle to make ends meet and neither of us learned from them (at least not at a young age), about the importance of budgeting. My hubby learned about it from his mother when he was older. I learned of it (in my teens) from one of the most important women in my life, my Aunt Di. Although we didn’t live in the same city, once I started working she always used to stress the importance of being on a budget (giving God His, paying bills, paying yourself, and putting some in savings). I never applied what she taught me as I was very irresponsible with money. I used it for what I wanted and if I ran out, I would just wait to take care of “whatever needed to be taken care of” when I got my next check. Those days are long gone (thank the Lord) and now I value the information that she taught me. It’s so easy to be in a “rob Peter to pay Paul” situation, and a lot of marriages experience this.

If money is a problem in your marriage, it’s important to know why. I think that it’s important to reflect on what you learned about money as a child. It’s also important to loose yourself of bad habits with money. If money is scarce and you and your spouse are worried, it can become burdensome on the relationship causing other areas in your marriage to deteriorate. If financial issues are causing a strain on your marriage due to either the recession or otherwise, it is a direct reflection of lack of trust that God can supply your needs.

Luke 12: 22-26
“22 Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

In summary: Jesus commands us not to worry. But how can we avoid it? Only faith can free us from the anxiety caused by greed and covetousness. It is good to work and plan responsibly; it is bad to dwell on all the ways our planning could go wrong. Worry is pointless because it can’t fill any of our needs; worry is foolish because the Creator of the universe loves us and knows what we need. He promises to meet all our real needs, but not necessarily all our desires.

Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Bible (NIV).

The financial situation within each marriage may be different; however, the subject of money is the same. If you are free of money issues or if you have money problems, worrying about losing it or not having it to take care of your family needs should never worry you. When we worry about money we are ultimately giving up on believing that God is able to provide for us. It doesn’t matter that we are in a recession, because God’s resources are unlimited! Look to Him to guide you and your mate in being good stewards over your money as well as strengthening your faith that He can and will provide all your needs.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Other People’s Property

Hosea 3:1
“The Lord said to me, Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

When I read this scripture, it made me realize that only the will of God could make me stay with my husband in the matter of adultery or infidelity. The knowledge of unfaithfulness would be enough to send one’s mind racing with not only the thought of how this could happen, but why? In an instant, the mind would begin to brainstorm, listing all of the reasons why this should definitely not occur. I’m a good wife, I work hard, I’m loving, supportive, a good housekeeper, we have a healthy intimate relationship, I’m prayerful and encouraging, I’m the mother of his children, and so on and so on. All of these things would make the list I’m sure, but none of it is enough to keep the unthinkable from happening.

It’s so easy to assume that being married is an automatic pass that eliminates you from being a potential candidate for an episode of “Cheaters”. Although marriage should end ones desire to “sow his royal oats”, adultery can and does happen within a lot of marriages today. Adultery is one of the most common reasons why couples divorce within our society, leading me to again ask the question, what’s lacking in the relationship? The lack may be with one or the other of you, or within the marriage as a whole. It’s challenging enough to work on maintaining a healthy marriage, and to find out that your spouse is making nice with someone else is not the answer. This could bring your marriage to a screeching halt when you thought that you were cruising along just fine. It doesn’t matter how pretty, intelligent, loyal, supportive, prayerful, dutiful or great you are in bed, adultery can and does happen. The deception is enough to make you want to hurt somebody. When adultery occurs, it shatters the family structure. You wonder does the other person know that your spouse is married; and if so, what kind of a person would wreak havoc on a marriage? What if you found out that your spouse has developed feelings for this individual and more than sleeping together has taken place? Is your health at risk? All of these things are placed on the table when the sacred vow of matrimony is tarnished.

If this were to happen to you, would you be willing to put the pieces back together? Do you think that you could love your spouse and forgive him for the ultimate act of betrayal? Would you be willing to put your trust in him again? Would you have thoughts of what it would say about you if you did accept a cheating spouse back into your life, your bed, your heart?

Hosea 3:1
“The Lord said to me, Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

This Summary of scripture reads: This short chapter pictures the nation’s exile and return. Israel would experience a time of purification in a foreign land, but God would still love the people and would be willing to accept them back. God commanded Hosea to show the same forgiving spirit to Gomer. Although Hosea had good reason to divorce Gomer, he was told to buy her back and love her.

*Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Bible (NIV).

To accept an adulterous spouse back into your life would say a lot about you, it would be the ultimate act of Godliness. It takes a very special and faithful person to be obedient to God’s will. After all, we only want His will to be done in our lives, and our marriages. Take each and every matter to God and allow Him to guide you back to love. It’s not to say that it would be easy, but your marriage can be restored.

Find the Jewel in You, see the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Open Lines of Communication

Proverbs 13:17
“A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.”

How often have you said the words “He just doesn’t communicate with me”! If it’s been said once, it’s been said a thousand times. What does this really mean when we say those words? What are we really asking of our husbands when we desire that they communicate with us? Lack of communication is probably one of the most common reasons for divorce within our society today. However, there is an art to communicating with one another and often we neglect to take the time to develop this technique. It’s not just about communicating, it’s about communicating effectively! In order to communicate effectively, we must be willing not only to speak, but to listen. For those who are longtime readers of Wife Talk, you may recall the topic of “Is He Listening” from Series 2. In that article, I discussed the importance of communication as well as the importance of choosing the best times to discuss things with your mate so that the two of you can do so effectively. I think that it’s wise to become aware of your own personal communication skills. If you think that you communicate well because you say exactly what’s on your mind, that doesn’t necessarily make you a good communicator. There are a few things that I would like to share that have worked for me in an effort to open the lines of effective communication with my husband. I would also like to share the things that did not work so well. I think it’s important that I’m honest with you when I say keeping the lines of clear and effective communication open is a process that I often have to revisit, as it is easy to slip back into old patterns.

I have learned the importance of knowing what communication means to me and how I communicate best. For example, it is important to me that my husband and I have what I’d like to call “Family Talk” every now and again to discuss where we are individually and within the marriage. During this time, I try my best to remain silent until he’s shared all that he has to about his thoughts and feelings and I expect the same when it’s my time to speak. Although I would love for this to take place at least once a week, I don’t get bent out of shape if it doesn’t. However, I make sure that we do this as often as possible so that we can keep a strong connection.

Communication to me means that each of us makes a commitment to be present and accountable for quality talk time where we each have the floor to share as well as receive information that the other has to give. There have been times when even the best effort to communicate was ruined by hurt feelings therefore causing the discussion to become tense or even closed. It was during one of these times that I realized that my best way to communicate to my husband was through writing. I often write him letters to express what I’m thinking and feeling. I usually leave the letter in a place that I know he’ll see it, and I put no pressure on him to read it. I allow him to read it on his own time. He most often receives the information better from me in written form, which then leads to us having more effective verbal communication.

When discussing the things that don’t work for me, I will say that trying to have a discussion when he’s preoccupied with other things is usually not good because I don’t have his undivided attention. I mean if he’s watching television or relaxing or writing music then of course I’ll be shut out. I no longer try to tell him what he’s thinking or feeling especially if he hasn’t said it himself. Just because I know my husband, doesn’t entitle me to be prideful in my level of Clair cognizance. Also, beating around the bush is not good! There were times when I wasn’t sure if he would be offended by what I had to say or not, so I would take a long time getting it out. I had to learn how to express myself. Talking at my hubby rather than talking to him, as well as not being mindful of my tone of voice never ended on a positive note. It always caused an explosive argument. Finally, I must admit that I am a talker, a nurturer, and I like to “fix” or shall I say “resolve” things. I definitely had to realize that when my husband communicates with me, he’s not always looking for nor does he need a response, an opinion or a solution. If he needs either of those above mentioned things, he knows how to ask.

Proverbs 13:17
“A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.”

In Summary: In Solomon’s day, a king had to rely on messengers for information about his country. These messengers had to be trustworthy. Inaccurate information could even lead to bloodshed. Reliable communication is still vital. If the message received is different from the message sent, marriages, businesses, and diplomatic relations can all break down. It is important to choose your words well and to avoid reacting until you clearly understand what the other person means.

*Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

I would like to end this week’s article with the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary definition of three (3) words:

Communication: (1) an act or instance of transmitting (2) (a) information communicated (b) a verbal or written message (3) a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior (b) personal rapport.

Communicate: transitive verb- (1) share (2) a: to convey knowledge or information about: make known (b) to reveal by clear signs (3) to cause to pass from one to another. Intransitive verb- (2) to transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily received or understood (3) to open into each other.

It is my recommendation that we become aware of the meaning of each of the above words in order to connect or reconnect with our mates, however, my personal practice which I highly recommend for married couples is that of the third and final word: Commune- to communicate intimately. Ladies, when you start to feel that the lines of communication are down between you are your spouse, commune with one another!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

When All Trust Is Gone

Numbers 5:14-15“14: and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure-or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure-15: then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.”

Although many reasons are given by couples as to why they may want to divorce, there are five (5) in particular that I think contribute heavily to a couple’s decision to seek dissolution of marriage, and today I will be writing about the first one, trust. If divorce is even a consideration, then obviously something is lacking within the marriage; there is a need that is not being fulfilled but whose responsibility is it to fulfill the void? Trust is a topic that I’m revisiting, as I discussed it in Series 1, column 2(Trust-Independent to Dependent, 9/2007); however, I focused more on the ability of trusting your husband enough to allow him to make decisions for you as the head of your household and marriage. This time around, my focus will be on trusting your mate in regards to other women. Trust is a key component if not one of the most important components for a successful marriage, and it may account for discord in other areas without it.

According to the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, the word trust means: “(a) assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something, (b) one in which confidence is placed.” I would also like to include the definition for trustworthiness, “a change or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship”. If trust is an issue in your marriage, have you considered why? What reason(s) do you have to mistrust your mate? Are you naturally suspicious (jealousy)? What reason(s) has he given you to be suspicious? When did the lack of trust begin? If you have not done so, I would suggest that you ask yourself the questions. It is important to be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with your spouse as to why trust is really an issue within the marriage.

If your spouse gave you reasons prior to the marriage that he’s not to be trusted, you may need to question what made you tie the knot. If the cause of suspicion or mistrust has to do with things you’ve noticed or have been told by others, such as your husband flirts with other women, he hangs out to much, his whereabouts are unaccounted for, or his interest in you has changed, then you should consider having a heart –to-heart conversation with him. Remember, there is a difference in suspicion and concrete evidence. If someone else has told you that they heard or saw your spouse doing something untrustworthy with another woman, be careful with that information and consider the source. There is nothing worse for a marriage than outsiders being involved in your business!

It is important to determine if lack of trust for your spouse is actually because of his doing or if there are some unresolved issues or insecurities that lie within yourself. In either case, once the bond of trust is broken, it is usually challenging to mend. There has to be a desire and a committed effort to repair the damage.

Numbers 5:14-15
“14: and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure-or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure-15: then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.”

Scripture Summary: “This test for adultery served to remove a jealous husband’s suspicion. Trust between husband and wife had to be completely eroded for a man to bring his wife to the priest for this type of test. Today priests and pastors help restore marriages by counseling couples who have lost faith in each other. Whether justified or not, suspicion must be removed for a marriage to survive and trust to be restored.”

*Scripture Quotations and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Lack of trust for any reason can destroy a marriage and if you can’t or don’t trust your husband because you suspect him of wrong doing, trust God to restore your marriage to the place that He wills it to be.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

From the Heart of Treazure

I would like for each of the readers to know that it feels great being in the blogging world again! I have been out of the loop for some time now. However, during this time of reflection so many thoughts occupied my mind and I began to feel the pressure of having too much information and not knowing how to let it out in a way that would be beneficial to my readers. I’ve shared with you before that this blog comes from the Lord. He blessed me with this wonderful opportunity to co-work with Him to provide divine thoughts and words of wisdom to cope with the highs and lows of marriage from a wife’s perspective. Everything written is to serve His purpose and it’s important that I bring you His message.

There are so many different situations that we all experience within our individual marriages, but there are also similarities. So, having said this, I want to take you on a journey with me. A journey that will focus on the similar things that we experience as wives that bring about distress and can take a toll on a marriage. Along this journey, I decided to allow the thoughts on my mind to spill onto the pages of my Wife Talk Journal in search of new topics for Series 3, but it wasn’t until God whispered to me that I needed to search my heart for the contents of the topics that will be displayed on the blog page. In Wife Talk Series 1 & 2, there were ten topics per series, but Series 3 is meant to be different. There are three (3) areas of concern that I will be writing about and last week, “Sacred Vows” was the first article of the three topics which was about divorce. With divorce being the first topic, there are two other topics that I will be writing about, abuse and serving God together (believer vs. unbeliever). Now, within these three areas are subtopics which either contribute to thoughts about the main topic or are specific types for the main topic. There is so much to discuss and I can’t wait to share with you what God shares with me about each! Also, within this Series you’ll receive a bonus because I haven’t forgotten that I shared with you three (3) questions that I posed to myself during my hiatus and I will be answering each over the course of Series three. Those questions are: What kind of wife am I? What kind of wife do I aspire to be? And finally, Am I the kind of wife that God wants me to be? I would like for each of you to think about those questions in relation to yourself and I would love to hear from you by way of your comments. You can comment anonymously if you wish.

I wanted to bring you up to date with Wife Talk Series 3 so that you’ll know what to expect from this series. Again, I am so blessed to have such a wonderful readership. I give thanks to God for each reader He brings to the site. Until next week…remember,

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure