Taking Control (of yourself)

Proverbs 13:3
“He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.”

Yes, I am guilty! As a wife, I feel the need to regulate what’s going on within my marriage. By nature, I believe that women are automatic nurturers, whether we recognize it or not. So, if something is going on with our spouses, we have a tendency to want to fix it. Most often, “fixing” it means, taking control of the situation. It could be that our significant others are stressed about work, finances, friendships, or he could be dealing with personal growth issues, and here we go ready to jump in and resolve the matter. We start by asking questions, and from asking questions, we go to making suggestions and from making suggestions, we get into “what we would do, if it were us”. Well, guess what? It is not us.

You see, everyone goes through things at different times in life. If your spouse has an issue with any of the things listed above, it is not wise to just jump in and take over. The best thing to do is to access the situation, get a feel of what your spouse may need, and pray about it. Make sure that your husband is ready to fill you in on all the details, and further more; make sure that he wants your input. There are times when words just aren’t needed, but listening ears are. Trust that you will be guided to know what to say and when to say it.

It took me quite some time to realize that when issues come up with my husband, praying for him, and then taking matters into my own hands is not the answer. You see, inviting God to come in and heal the situation, and then attempting to do His job by getting in the way, is not right. A dear friend told me once, not that long ago, that I needed to stop worrying about my husband, and focus on me! At first I thought, how could she say that? Doesn’t she know that I love and care for my husband very much, and I want to make sure that he is okay? Well, yes she did know that! The thing is what I needed to know.

God wants us to trust Him with our selves, our husband’s, and our marriages. Once you ask Him for a resolution, be willing to leave it with Him. Focus on God, and not the situation. He will guide you to what it is that you need to be doing for yourself, and in this way, He can work through you to reach others.

Proverbs 13:3 says: “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.” In summary: You have not mastered self-control if you do not control what you say. James recognized this truth when he stated, “The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts” (James 3:5). If you want to be self-controlled, begin with your tongue. Stop and think before you react or speak. If you can control this small but powerful member, you can control the rest of your body.

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him.

Treazure

It is winding down to the last two topics for my first series of weekly columns. I would like to say thank you to those who have visited my blog page, and to those that have posted comments. This has truly been an amazing journey of self discovery and faith. God set me out on this course when I had no idea if I could even set sail, but as always, He was there steering me along the way using me as His vessel. The words on this page come not from me, but through me for God is the author of this blog. Each week, the words that you read, are words that I too need to hear. We are all in this together, trying to be the best wives (or future wives) that He has created us to be.

In the month of December, I will be soliciting your help for topics of interest for the upcoming series which will resume in January 2008. Topic suggestions may be sent to the Treazure Chest at wifetalkblog@yahoo.com. I look forward to reading about what you want to discuss.

The Invisible Secretary would like to send a special “Happy Birthday” (11/08) to Treazure. She is a special jewel that has been a godsend in my life.
“Happy Birthday Girl!!!"

Love You Like A Sister,
The Invisible Secretary

Spoiled, Selfish, Downright Rude

Ephesians 5:25-33

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love heir wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-30for we are members of his body.

Spoiled, selfish, and downright rude are words used to describe what I’d like to call the “me, me, me, my, my, my, or I, I, I” syndrome. And no, I’m not talking about the me, me, me of the music scale, or the seductive sounds of Johnny Gill in his 1990 hit “My, My, My”. I’m talking about the use of these words within marriages on a daily basis, with not so much of a thought to what is really being said. In particular, I’m focusing on our husband’s ladies, although I’m sure that we too are definitely guilty of this from time to time.

First, I’ll start with spoiled or the “me, me, me” syndrome. The “it’s all about me attitude”. “Can you do this for me,” or the “will you do that for me” talk. Or, the “you don’t have time to do this for me, or that for me? It’s not that we don’t want to do things for our man, but if we can’t (especially right at the moment that it is asked), then it should be understood, not a tantrum thrown or attitude taken. And when we do have the chance to do things like rub his feet, massage his back, give him facials, or iron his clothes then it should definitely be appreciated, and reciprocated from time to time.

Next, selfish or the “my, my, my syndrome (sometimes the word mine is used here). Well, this one can definitely get you heated. You know what I’m talking about-“that’s my car”, “my account”, “this is my house”, or “my mess is being taking care of”; claiming sole ownership of things that they know are ours.

And finally, when the downright rude, or “I, I, I”syndrome kicks in. “I can take care of myself”, “I was doing fine before I met you, and I’ll be fine if you’re gone”, not to mention the “Oh, I can handle that”. Usually when I is used, it comes with the “I’m this, you’re that” attachment, which ultimately places blame.

I’m sure that at some point in time or another, we’ve all fallen victim to these syndromes. However; the point that I’m trying to make, is that when we use the words me, my, or I often enough, it becomes a sign of self-centeredness. And I begin to wonder if our spouses realize that there is no I, me, or my in the words partners, togetherness, oneness, or we; so what’s all the fuss about. I am you, and you are me in the spirit of marriage, and we have to act as such. No one should be made to feel less than the other at no time, but hey; we all fall short from time to time.

Ephesians 5:25-30 says: 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-30for we are members of his body.

To summarize this, these verses in Ephesians, however, show a high view of marriage. Marriage, for Paul is a holy union, a living symbol, a precious relationship that needs tender, self-sacrificing care. Paul devotes twice as many words to telling husbands to love their wives as to telling wives to submit to their husbands. How should a man love his wife? (1) He should be willing to sacrifice everything for her. (2) He should make her well-being of primary importance. (3) He should care for her as he cares for his own body. No wife needs to fear submitting to a man who treats her this way.

Also, the union of husband and wife merges two persons in such a way that little can affect one without also affecting the other. Oneness in marriage does not mean losing your personality in the personality of the other. Instead, it means caring for your spouse as you care for yourself, learning to anticipate his or her needs, helping the other person become all he or she can be.

*Scripture quotations & summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).*

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him.

Treazure

Loving Too Hard


1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This topic is very near and dear to my heart because I know so many wonderful women both married and single who have experienced loving a man too hard. You see as women, we want for everything to be perfect in our man, and within our relationships. Although we are very well aware, that no one person is perfect, nor is there a perfect relationship, we still have very high expectations of perfection in who and what we have.

As humans, most often we operate from the flesh, which means “how we feel”. As women, we do this often because we are very emotional beings, but I’m here to tell you that love is not a feeling, it is an action! Yes, we may get butterflies, and we may feel all warm and fuzzy when our special someone is around; and this usually sparks our attention as to how we feel about that person. The next thing you know, we are in love! Falling in love is a very beautiful and natural thing, however; loving your mate unconditionally is something totally different.

Loving your mate unconditionally means that you love him just the way that he is, flaws and all. There are no conditions. You see, we say that we love our spouse just the way that he is , and then we start to say things like :“ he could lose a few pounds”, or “I wish he didn’t have a temper”, or “he needs to spend more time with the kids”, or “he needs to be more affectionate”, or “ I wish he would stop drinking”, or “ I wish he wouldn’t lie to me”, or “ I wish he would open up and talk to me,” or “he needs to go to church”, and the list goes on and on. Well, I understand that we would love for our significant others to be healthy, patient, spend quality time with the kids, be affectionate and loving, nondrinker/nonalcoholic, honest, communicator, and a man that has a personal and dynamic relationship with Christ and goes to church. Well, my question to you is, how was he before you got married, or seriously involved (single women)?

You see, it is very easy to fall in love with all of the things that we want to see in a person, and get all caught up in how we feel, but ultimately, the true person is going to push through. Be careful, because that’s when loving him too hard kicks in. You see as women we begin to talk excessively about what he needs to do, how he needs to go about it, and even at times we give him a time frame to do it in. Well, we are setting ourselves up for failure because when changes are not made, or in the time frame we feel they should be made; we get angry, frustrated, and we push even harder, and the cycle continues. Feelings are hurt, relationships go sour, all because of loving someone too hard; which usually means trying to force change.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 says: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.“

In summary: Our society confuses love and lust. Unlike lust, God’s kind of love is directed outward toward others, not inward toward ourselves. It is utterly unselfish. This kind of love goes against our natural inclinations. It is possible to practice this love only if God helps us set aside our own desires and instincts, so that we can give love while expecting nothing in return. Thus the more we become like Christ, the more love we will show to others.

Ladies, please understand, that we are designed to evolve. This means that we all are changing everyday. Change is not something that can be forced. If you look at what 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 says that love is all of the words used to describe it are action words: patient, kind, rejoices, protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres. It does not say anything about feelings. So therefore, if there are changes in your mate that you would like to occur, that would make him a better person, don’t force it! Love him enough to pray for him, and love God enough to know that He knows exactly what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and in what time frame it will be done! Change within anyone, can only come from God!

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

When Children are Involved (co-parenting)

Proverbs 1:8

“Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.”

Parenting has to be the hardest, yet most rewarding job in the world. Yes, I did say job, because that is exactly what it is. It is around the clock, 24/7. It doesn’t matter whether or not you and your spouse have biological children together, or if you have children from previous relationships, it is a hard job! Children are the most special creatures on earth and as parents we have to be mindful at all times, of what they are receiving from us. No matter how unique your family make-up; as parents, we are responsible for our children’s well-being and upbringing. I would like to share with you that no one parent is perfect, and parenting should always be a shared responsibility.

As parents, it is important to note that children are affected by what’s going on around them. If you and your spouse are having discussions, arguments, or even fights (hopefully not), children are absorbing every word, and every action even when you think that they are not paying attention. Our children go through whatever it is that we are going through. I sometimes think that as adults, we forget that our children live our experiences, because they are a part of us. I remember that as a child, whenever my parents would argue, I would always feel frightened, sad, and at fault. Any unkind words that were spoken between my parents, I too felt that, and how could I not? I am a product of both of my parents so whatever was said to be wrong or bad about either one of them, I felt like it was being said about me too. I felt that pain!

Parents should be on the same page when it comes to raising children. Children are very intelligent, and they know how to play the middle. At some point in time, there should be a discussion as to how you want to raise your children. As always, communication is the key. Both you and your spouse should be in the know as to what is going on with your children, to avoid bringing about conflict and confusion. One of the things that I enjoyed when I was growing up (as long as it wasn’t to drawn out), was family forum. This was a weekly family meeting that my parents started in order for us to communicate openly about what was going on in one another’s lives. It gave each of us an opportunity to open up and share; about anything from school events, to disagreements in the home between siblings, and or parents. This is something that I’ve learned to appreciate in my adult years, and something that I now do with my own family. My husband and I have these appointments with one another (not always once a week). We also have these meetings with our boys (we have 3 that don’t live with us), whenever they come over. Everyone has a voice, opinion, and solution (if one is needed) during these meetings. Different things work for different people, so find out what works for you and your family.

Proverbs 1:8 says: Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. To summarize this: Our actions speak louder than our words. This is especially true in the home. Children learn values, morals, and priorities by observing how their parents act and react every day. If parents exhibit a deep reverence for and dependence on God, the children will catch these attitudes. Let them see your reverence for God. Teach them right living by giving worship an important place in your family life and by reading the Bible together.

We are all that our children have, and as parents, we are their first teachers. Remember, that children not only do as we say, they do as we do!

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

See Treazure Hunt for some of Treazure’s favorite marriage reference material.

Choosing Your Battles

Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Have you ever had a heated argument with your husband, or significant other that just made you feel like you could explode? You know the kind of argument that leaves you feeling like you’ve exerted too much energy, and for what? You walk around the house, long after it is over; mumbling to yourself, still fussing his behind out, and he doesn’t even know it! After a period of time, you ponder whether it had to go that far in the first place.

We usually think about how things could have been avoided, or played out differently after it is over. The question is do we learn a lesson from our part in it all, or do we continue to do the same thing? There is so much going on in our day to day lives, that it is very easy to get caught off guard by a wrong comment, negative tone, or miscommunication. Any of these things can have an immediate effect and could jumpstart an argument. It doesn’t matter if you are having a disagreement about bills, the children, or your feelings; it is best to choose your battles.

Be aware of the things that can lead to an argument. If you feel yourself getting wound up, take a few deep breaths, this will allow the first wave of emotion to fly right over you. The first wave of emotion is usually anger, so you want to be mindful of what you are angry about. Also, taking a moment before responding can allow you an opportunity to assess the situation. We all know that everything isn’t always as it seems. Communication as we know, works two ways: speaking and listening. If you know that you are absolutely sound in what you are attempting to communicate to your partner, and it is not reaching him, then stand your ground. Now ladies, standing your ground doesn’t necessarily mean with attitude. You can be firm, yet gentle, to get your point across. If things are still going in a different direction than what you had hoped, then be quiet, and choose another time to address the situation; once things have cooled off.

Proverbs 15:1 says: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

In summary: Have you ever tried to argue in a whisper? It is equally hard to argue with someone who insists on answering gently. On the other hand, a rising voice and harsh words almost always trigger an angry response. To turn away wrath and seek peace, choose gentle words.

Ladies, I’m not suggesting that you act like a wimp, and go easy on the brother all the time, because there are times when your voice needs to be raised a few octaves. Remember, firm yet gentle. Good communication is the key to any successful relationship, and it is definitely a learning process. Learn when it may be necessary to argue, and when to just let things go!

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

This column is dedicated to one of my dearest friends, and family member. She supports me in anything I attempt to do! I’m sending a FAT birthday shout out to Nicy 1004.

Happy Birthday Bernice!

Thanks for all you do. Love ya!

Wife Talk will be on hiatus the week of October 11, 2007. We will return with a new column on October 18, 2007.

Leadership vs. Submission
(Allowing him to lead)

Ephesians 5:22-24

22: Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord.

23: For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

24: Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Well, this is it! I knew that I would have some resistance toward this topic, but it needs to be discussed. So, here goes! Having celebrated my 8 year wedding anniversary this week, I allowed myself to reflect on the past eight years of my life as a married woman. This is an exercise that my husband and I do every anniversary, but we usually just discuss the previous year. Reflecting allows us to share with one another what our challenged areas were from the past year, and how we handled them, as well as the good stuff. We then share with one another our expectations and goals for the upcoming year. This year however; I reflected on the entire eight years. I did this because I am beginning to experience changes in myself that allow me to be a better wife. I am beginning to finally let my guard down when it comes to being a submissive wife.

As I shared with you last week, I don’t do the follow the leader thing to well, being the Scorpio that I am, I’m used to doing the leading. This is very surprising because I was raised in a home where it was quite obvious who ran the show! Yes, I observed my mom being quite the submissive wife, and I could not for the life of me understand why she allowed my father to have such control. Well, now that I am grown, and married, I can honestly say that I understand just why she played her part as the submissive wife, allowing him to take center stage; the lead role. You see, there is a big difference in leading and controlling, so today we will focus on leading. The problem for me, was that I needed to get pass the feeling that leading meant telling me what to do! You see, if my husband says to me, “get off the phone,” then we may have a problem. But, if he says “you need to monitor how much you are talking on the phone because we are going over budget on the phone minutes”; okay, now you see the difference between the two comments. I don’t want to be told what to do, or ordered around as if I am a child. I want to be spoken to and given instruction as a respected individual; my husband’s partner. The second comment is an example of leadership, the first, is an example of control. For most women, I think the hesitation of using the word obey in the vows, and just thinking about a life of being submissive to someone means stripping us of who we are as individuals. Well ladies, let’s take a closer look at the true meaning of submission.

The word submission is defined in the dictionary/concordance, as voluntary yielding to another; accountability. Voluntary surrender is what I choose to call it. You see, Ephesians 5:22-24 says: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” To summarize this, according to the Bible, the man is the spiritual head of the family, and his wife should acknowledge his leadership. But real spiritual leadership involves service. Just as Christ served the disciples, even to the point of washing their feet, so the husband is to serve his wife. A wise and Christ-honoring husband will not take advantage of his leadership role, and a wise and Christ-honoring wife will not try to undermine her husband’s leadership. Either approach causes disunity and friction in marriage.

The way I see it is that husbands and wives are equally submissive, because in marriage, there is only one true leader, and that is the Lord!

P.S. If your husband is controlling rather than leading, take if first to God in prayer, then tell your man about himself!

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

See Treazure Hunt for some of Treazure’s favorite marriage reference material.

Trust (independent to dependent)

Proverbs 3:5

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

I stood standing proudly as a blushing bride on September 25, 1999. It was as if a lid had been taken off a jar, and beautiful butterflies were released. Emotions such as happiness, excitement, love, and anxiousness all spread wings and fluttered in my stomach. What would married life be like? “What things in my life would change?” I asked myself. High hopes of eternal marital bliss embraced me on that day, but it was not long before I had a reality check.

I am a friendly, intelligent, loving, sensitive individual with head strong flare! The Scorpion in me likes to take control of most situations that I encounter. Well, this Scorpion married a Bull, and it didn’t take long for the head butting to begin. It was like we were on the tennis court, but it wasn’t always love. I had met my match! My husband is a handsome, sharp, ambitious, affectionate individual with head strong flare that matches mine. The challenges of learning to live together began to take a toll early on. We would fuss back and forth about anything from me going over the grocery budget, to which place made the most sense to stop by first when going to pay bills. I would think to myself, he has no clue just how expensive it is to shop these days, especially if you purchase healthy food. I would ask him if he wanted to go shopping with me, so he could see for himself. “No,” he would say. “I just want you to stick to the budget.” After being married for 3 months, I decided to evaluate our marriage. Once my evaluation was done, I thought to myself…this is not working out. So, I decided to place our marriage on a 90 day probationary period (without his knowledge)! I wanted to look within to see what was causing me to contribute to the tension.

During the next 3-6 months, we had a few more falling outs, one in particular about the timing of us buying a new car. I was desperate for answers, so I asked myself a question. Why do I get so angry when it is time for us to make a decision? My response was that we hardly discuss things before making a decision. If we talked things out before hand, it would provide each of us the opportunity to share our thoughts and feelings about such matters. I wasn’t content with the answer. After thinking about it some more, I realized that I had issues with my husband having the final say, and there was more; I wasn’t sure that I completely trusted my husband to make decisions on my behalf.

I used to be fire on wheels. I was used to handling my own business. My independence was important to me, and giving it up was definitely not part of the equation. I thought I could be married and independent, wrong answer. God quickly showed me just how dependent I could be. I lost my job. Now, I had to totally rely on my husband. My husband is a good provider, but I wanted to bring home the bacon too; mainly so I could have some say. This began to cause even more challenges.

I started to pray about the situation. I realized that someone was missing in all of this, it was God. I was being self righteous, when I needed to be grateful. I remembered our vows. My husband vowed to provide for me, and I vowed to be his helpmate. We vowed to allow God to be head of our household, the center of marriage. Proverbs 3:5 says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." To summarize this, it says: Leaning has the sense of putting your whole weight on something, resting on and trusting in that person or thing. When we have an important decision to make, we sometimes feel that we can’t trust anyone--not even God. But God knows what is best for us. He is a better judge of what we want than even we are! We must trust Him completely in every choice we make. We should not omit careful thinking or belittle our God-given ability to reason; but we should not trust our own ideas to the exclusion of all others. We should always be willing to listen to and be corrected by God’s Word and wise counselors. Bring your decisions to God in prayer.

It has been eight years now, and the tit for tat matches have severely decreased. I trust my husband to make wise choices for our family, because I trust that God is guiding his steps.

The Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

This column is dedicated to my husband (my HIM). You are an intelligent, loving man with big dreams. It’s because of you that I dared to dream! We have been through so much over the past years, but we have learned a lot! The other day you said “we are just getting started.” I look forward to a lifetime of gazing into your eyes; seeing a reflection of myself and you gazing into my eyes; seeing a reflection of yourself, each of us looking pass the flaws of the other, to the center where we both shine. You are a precious gift. God used you; to help me, discover ME! I hope He uses me; to help you, discover You!

I Love You!

Forever Yours,

Him-Her

Happy Anniversary!
September 25, 2007

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him.

Treazure