Series Three Introduction

I would like to welcome everyone back to the weekly issue of Wife Talk. I know that I’ve been away for a good period of time now, however; I’ve been in a transitioning period over the past several months. Since ending series 2 in March 2008, my husband and I have moved to a new city, started new businesses and I’ve found a new church family. Having said this, I want every reader to know that I’ve missed blogging and reaching out to those of you who have supported me since column one (September 2007) and those who have been wondering if Wife Talk would ever return. To those of you who are new to the column; thanks for logging in. I hope that you not only enjoy the column, but that you are inspired by it.

During this series of Wife Talk columns, I would like to focus on more heartfelt topics that we often experience by expanding upon previously blogged Wife Talk issues as well as introducing new topics. While taking a blogging break, I had the opportunity to reflect upon what’s next for Wife Talk. It came to me that I need to push the envelope more. I’ve written about my own experiences as well as the experiences of many of the wonderful women/wives that I have the privilege of calling friends and family, however; I have to admit that I’ve held back a bit for fear of being too detailed with sharing one’s business. God has brought me to the realization that this blog is meant to allow wives’ to know and appreciate the fact that they are not alone in the things that they go through within their marriages. God gave me the vision of Wife Talk to serve a purpose. So, since I’ve agreed to be obedient to His will and follow His instruction, I’m challenging myself to let go and allow God to have His way with me. I’m surrendering as He uses me as His vessel while He shapes this column for His purposes, and His purposes only! Therefore, I will meditate longer, think a little deeper, and be even more prayerful so that I give you (the reader) the best that I and Wife Talk have to offer!!! Thanks again for logging in and always remember:

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!!!

Treazure

Do You (the second most important thing a wife can do for her husband)!

Proverbs 31:10-11, 31
Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
10h A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
31Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

In writing the first series of columns, I ended the series with the topic of “Praying for your husband” (the first most important thing a wife can do for her husband), and now at the end of the second series, I would like to share the second most important thing that a wife can do for her husband, and that is “Do You”! It may sound a little harsh or self-centered at first, but let me explain. As a wife, I am very concerned (like most wives’ are), about the well-being of my husband. By well-being I’m speaking of everything from his health to his career, to his spirituality, finances, and his personal and social matters. If something is not balanced in any of these areas, there’s a need for even greater concern. Once concern kicks in high gear, there is a tendency to want to fix the situation. The first thing that I always do is pray, and then I wait for God to step in and work things out. However, there have been times when exercising patience took a turn for the worst, and I started damage control on my own. Well, as you know, setting out to do damage control as if I was better at getting matters under control than the Lord, proved to be the wrong answer.

Taking matters into my own hands, at times caused friction between myself and my husband because these issues were going on with him, and not only did I need to give him an opportunity to grow through his experiences, I definitely needed to allow God the opportunity to do his job in making the necessary changes within my mate (without my interference). Although my intentions were sincere I realized that I may have overstepped my boundaries a few times. God began to speak to me through prayer. He shared with me that indeed my feelings and concerns for my husband were justifiable; however, I needed to give Him room to do His work within my husband. He also shared with me that my role was to continue doing those things within my own life that He was leading me to do because He often works through the wife to get to the husband. Once this was revealed to me, I knew at that moment the importance of being a wife that is obedient to the Lord. I still fall short from time to time (probably more than that), but I always refer back to what God shared with me through prayer and meditation, which was also confirmed in the title of a book that I saw one day at the grocery store (during one of my fallen moments), “The single most important thing any woman can do for her husband: What God is leading you to do”. I can’t remember the author of the book, nor did I stand in the aisle to read it, I just praised God for the confirmation.

Today, I continue to do the things that God leads me to do, and I can honestly say that I know the meaning of the saying “leading by example”. I can acknowledge Him for using both my husband and myself to encourage growth in each other.

Proverbs 31:10-11, 31
Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
10h A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
31Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

In summary: The book of Proverbs begins with the command to fear the Lord (1:7) and ends with the picture of a woman who fulfills this command. Her qualities are mentioned throughout the book: hard work, fear of God, respect for spouse, foresight, encouragement, care for others, concern for the poor, wisdom in handling money. These qualities, when coupled with fear of God, lead to enjoyment, success, honor, and worth. Proverbs is very practical for our day because it shows us how to become wise, make good decisions, and live according to God’s ideal.

Always remember that God is ultimately in control, and do your part to assist Him in reaching your mate. I’m not saying to not care about what’s going on with your spouse and be totally consumed in what you have going on: I’m saying to trust in the Lord to make the necessary changes and to resolve and heal situations that your mate may be going through, and know that He may be using you to do it!

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

I would like to thank all readers of this column for yet another successful set of ten topics! In the weeks to come, I will continue to plan the “Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him” Workshop. The planning is moving along swiftly, so if you are interested in attending, email me at wifetalkblog@yahoo.com. I will be posting the details in the upcoming weeks.

For the 3rd series of Wife Talk, I will be doing a question/answer segment on a weekly basis, so if there are any questions that you would like to ask me, I will be posting both the questions and my response each week. I would also like to invite you to offer new topic suggestions for series 3 as well. You may contact me at the above listed email address for either of these. Again, thank you so much for logging in each week and last but not least, I would like to thank The Invisible Secretary for posting another series. God has blessed me with so many brilliantly shining jewels in which I place you all in my Treazure Chest!

Your Purpose as a Couple

(fulfilling God’s plan for your marriage)

Hosea 1:2-3

“2When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness, because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the Lord.” 3So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.

Have you ever been told that you and your husband look good together, or that the two of you make a great couple? If so, how did it make you feel? Have you ever really thought about what it is that makes you a great couple, or if looking good together is just in a physical sense? I’m sure that there are a number of wonderful qualities that make you and your mate special, but why are you together? Is it because you have great chemistry, fell madly in love and decided to spend the rest of your life together, or is there more to it?

When thinking about the reasons that you and your spouse are together in marriage, it’s more than just being a cute or great couple. It’s about the plan that God has for your marriage. There are so many reasons that God could have possibly united the two of you. If you don’t know the reason, pray about it, and wait for Him to reveal it to you. There are marriages that are childless, abusive, have addictions (alcoholism, drugs, gambling, eating disorders, etc), or illnesses (depression, cancer, etc), some are adulterous, spiritual, or have financial challenges, there are believers married to unbelievers, and the list goes on. It’s very important to figure out the purpose for your marriage. You may want to begin by jotting down the likenesses that you share with your husband, as well as your differences. You can also include your strengths and weaknesses, as well as his. Note the similarities, and where you each bring balance to the other. Also, think about what types of childhood each of you had, were these similar, or vastly different?

Once you’ve written these down, pay close attention to what’s there and see if you can grasp the bigger picture. What are the most common things that you share? Does he remind you of your father in some ways, or do you remind him of his mother? Are you both good singers or do you both love to write? Is he an introvert and are you an extrovert or vice versa? Do you both share a passion for the same cause? These are questions that can assist in answering the question of your purpose as a couple.

When my husband and I first got married, I was excited about married life, and then I began to experience some personal emotional challenges on an extreme level. My husband was by my side in a way that no one else had ever been for me before. It was during this time of emotional healing and spiritual growth that I realized that God had sent “my him” to me for a reason and part of that reason was to be my support system during my time of darkness. Also, during this time I learned that not only was I a victim of childhood abuse, my husband had experienced childhood abuse also, only in a different way than I. I realized that we each had encountered such an extreme amount of childhood pain and it affected us in very similar ways. God gave us to one another to allow us to come to a place of awareness, understanding, acceptance and ultimately forgiveness of the things from our past that had controlled our lives in not such a good way. My husband and I have each had our season with dealing with these issues, and although we’ve experienced these at different points within the marriage, the result is the same, we are one another’s support system, and God is our strength and guiding light. God has a plan for us as a couple, and I believe that He is using two ordinary people to do extraordinary things! My husband is also good with words (he writes songs), and he too is a good speaker. God will use these like gifts that we share combined with our past experiences to bring blessings of healing to individuals who have similar pasts and wounds. If God can heal and change us, He can do the same for everyone!

Hosea 1:2-3 says: “2When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness, because the land is guilty of the vilest adultery in departing from the Lord.” 3So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son. In summary, Hosea knew ahead of time that his wife would be unfaithful and that their marriage life would become a living object lesson to the adulterous northern kingdom. Hosea’s marriage to an unfaithful woman would illustrate God’s relationship to the unfaithful nation of Israel. It is difficult to imagine Hosea’s feelings when God told him to marry a woman who would be unfaithful to him. He may not have wanted to do it, but he obeyed. God often required extraordinary obedience from his prophets who were facing extraordinary times. God may ask you to do something difficult and extraordinary too. If he does, how will you respond? Will you obey him, trusting that he who knows everything has a special purpose for his request? Will you be able to accept the fact that the pain involved in obedience may benefit those you serve, and not you personally?

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

Keeping It Fresh

Song of Songs 5:2-8

2“I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My lover is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” 3I have taken off my robe-must I put it on again? I have washed my feet-must I soil them again? 4My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. 5I arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock. 6I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer. 7The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls! 8O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you-if you find my lover, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.”

How far back in your memory would you have to travel to remember your first date with your husband, the first time he held your hand, or the first kiss? As you’re reading this, are you remembering those first times? Do you remember the anticipation of seeing him, or talking to him on the phone? Can you actually take yourself back to that place this very moment, or does the memory seem to escape you? No matter how long you’ve been married, you should never forget the first times you shared with your spouse. These are what really keep the home fires burning!

It’s very easy to forget about” what once was” while moving on with your life. We are so busy with our careers, running the household, PTA meetings and football games, cheerleading practice and church committee meetings that we neglect one of the most important aspects of marriage; romance . We’re doing so many things that we hardly have any time for ourselves, let alone being the objects of our mates’ desires! Well ladies, I beg to differ. There are certain things that you can allow to fall to the wayside, but intimate moments with your spouse should not be one of them. I know a number of ladies that are in loving marriages, but there are parts of the loving that’s missing. Perhaps you are to tired to entertain the idea of grown up time with your mate; maybe you don’t feel desirable to him any longer, maybe he’s not desirable to you, maybe there’s lack of communication, or you’re stressed about sick family members or friends and the list goes on and on, whatever the cause, now is the time to renew that “first time” feeling.

First, it is important to identify with why “Mr. Romance” may no longer dwell at your place of residence, and then you have to make the decision to invite him back home. There are so many subtle yet effective things that you can do to get your husband’s attention, and encourage a little “playtime”, or at least some mutual affection and admiration for each other. One of my new favorites(which I learned about while taking the 30Day Husband Encouragement Challenge for Wives), is to find something to encourage your man about everyday! It does not matter how small, or how often just be sincere. With this, you’ll find that he’ll begin to notice a different attitude that you have toward him, and in turn he will become more open and loving towards you. Writing your husband a love letter and placing it on or under his pillow is an intimate act. You should express to him how much you still love him, and reflect back on a few of the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place; share with him that you remember the “first times.” Planning a picnic for the two of you at the park one afternoon is a fun thing to do, if you don’t have time to go to the park, have the picnic on the floor of your bedroom or set your basket on top of your bed. It doesn’t have to be a full course meal, just a few of his favorites. Sending your mate on a “treasure hunt” maybe leading him to a specific location (hotel, restaurant, movies, etc..) where you’re there to meet him is always a winner! This is something fun and different, but it can get complicated if your spouse does not follow the clues, so make them simple.

For example, for my second wedding anniversary, I planned a “Treazure Hunt” for my ‘Him”. I purchased six long stemmed red roses and a package of live rose petals (compliments of Harris Teeter), and some note cards (the ones that are sent with flower arrangements). Before leaving for work on the morning of the “Treazure Hunt”, I left one red rose with a note card that read “I love you” on the living room table. The second rose and note card was left on the driver’s seat of his vehicle, and the note card read “ Get ready for a day of adventure, I love you”! It was a Friday, so I knew that he would be going to get a haircut, so I left a red rose and note card for him with his barber which read: “Meet me at the Embassy Suites(address) at 5:00pm sharp, go to the front desk. I love you”! Well, this prompted him to call me at work to inquire about what I was doing. I just simply asked him to follow the instructions please, and he said “okay Her”. Once he arrived at the front desk of the Embassy Suites, there waiting for him was a room key, a red rose and note card that had the room number written on it, and the words “I love you” waiting for him. Arriving at the room door, there was yet another red rose and note card taped to the door, and the card read: “Follow the rose petals to a special surprise”, I love you. Needless to say, he followed the rose petals all the way to the bedroom where his most treazured surprise was not only covered in rose petals, but I held his final rose between my teeth, with the note card that said, “I love you”! That was one amazing anniversary night! I would like to say that something like this doesn’t have to be planned just for an anniversary or holiday, you can do it anytime.

Asking your husband for a slow dance at any given moment, or snuggling against him while watching television are also a few things to do, and if all else fails, finding that one inviting piece of sleepwear(to suit your taste, as long as you feel confident), always does the trick! Please leave your hair down ladies, no scarfs allowed! Don’t worry about whether or not you have time for romance, make the time! Any of these suggestions could be done on a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly basis (with the exception of encouraging him), I recommend that daily. It’s good to be spontaneous, but if that does not work for you then mark a date or two on your calendar, at least you’ll have something to look forward to. Another suggestion is to plan a date night, my husband and I have been doing this for 7 of the eight years that we have been married, and we love it. This should be a scheduled date that works for the both of you. You can take turns planning the dates, or plan the dates together. It is so important to make the effort to encourage romance between you and your partner. Remember to use your imagination and pull from your fantasies! You do have a lifetime of togetherness with him, so keep it fresh!

Song of Songs 5:2-8 says: 2“I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My lover is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” 3I have taken off my robe-must I put it on again? I have washed my feet-must I soil them again? 4My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. 5I arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock. 6I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer. 7The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls! 8O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you-if you find my lover, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.”

In summary, this means; It is inevitable that, with the passing of time and the growth of familiarity, a marriage will start to lose its initial sparkle. Glances and touches no longer produce the same emotional response. Conflicts and pressures may creep in, causing you to lose your tenderness toward your spouse. The world is not a haven for lovers; in fact, external stress often works against the marriage relationship. But spouses can learn to be havens for each other. If intimacy and passion decline, remember that they can be renewed and regenerated. Take time to remember those first thrills, the excitement of sex, your spouse’s strengths, and the commitment you made. When you focus on the positives, reconciliation and renewal can result.

Ladies I would like to leave you with the words of a jingle for a commercial that used to come on when I was a little girl, and over the past 2 years or so, the commercial has been recycled. “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never ever let you forget you’re a man, cause I’m a woman!

*Scripture quotations and summary are from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

“Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him.”

Treazure

We will have a segment on “keeping the fire burning” at the Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him workshop. If you are interested in this workshop, please email me at wifetalkblog@yahoo.com. I will be listing some of the details next week.

Setting Goals for Your Marriage

James 4:13-16
13Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.

Goal setting isn’t something that we are naturally inclined to do, it’s something that we learn and grow to do. It is harder for some than others to set goals probably because of fear of not following through. The most common time to set goals is the beginning of a new year, and most times we fail before we can get started. Are you a goal setter, or do you just take things as they come? You may wonder why goal setting is important, and especially within marriage.

A goal is an aim or objective; an intention. I know that we all have goals, but are we seeing these goals through to the end? I will be the first to admit that setting goals has not always been at the top of my priority list. You see, I am the individual that likes to take things as they come; whenever and whatever happens, it happens. I would never plan out my course of action. For so long, I couldn’t understand why I never felt a sense of accomplishment. Well, it wasn’t until I got married that I realized the importance of not only setting goals for myself, but for my marriage as well. I was at the place of self healing, and part of that healing was discovering who I was, and what I wanted out of life. I began to pray about this and prayer led me to write out my desires in every aspect of my life. I started to categorize what I wanted in the areas of my personal life, spiritual life, financial life, and marital life. As I was writing, it surprised me to see that I had my marital life listed. I wrote down how I would accomplish these things and I put a time frame on doing so. I had set goals! I shared with my husband what I was doing, and suggested that he does the same. He was open to giving it a try. We had a lengthy discussion about our marital goals, and decided to divide them into long and short term goals. We always knew that we wanted to become home owners, and extend our family but we didn’t have a game plan for doing so. We found that there was more on the list than we expected. We realized the importance of inviting God into the equation to accomplish these goals. We had a plan, but we wanted to make sure that our plans were in alignment with His plans for us as a couple. My husband and I are definitely the type of individuals that go about doing things our own way, but it never really seems to get us that far. We had to remember that our union was a threesome: God, my husband, and I so therefore, God had to lead us in our desired goals within our marriage. Setting goals for your marriage and allowing God to be involved is extremely important for your growth as a couple. In every aspect of our lives we should experience growth and maturity even within marriage. Your marital goals could consist of any of the following: purchasing a home or family vehicle, planning a family or a vacation, finding a church home, starting an investment portfolio or planning for retirement; whatever your goals extend the invitation to God to guide you on what your goals should be and how to attain them. Ask that His will be done within your marriage, and within your life.

James 4:13 says: 13Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.

In summary, this means: It is good to have goals, but goals will disappoint if we leave God out of them. There is no point in making plans as though God does not exist, because the future is in his hands. What would you like to be doing ten years from now? One year from now? Tomorrow? How will you react if God steps in and rearranges your plans? Plan ahead, but hold your plans loosely. Put God’s desires at the center of your planning; he will never disappoint you.

It is so easy to go about doing things your own way, but so hard to digest when things don’t work out the way you may have wanted. My husband and I still struggle as a couple, and individually with setting goals and moving in a desired direction without always conferring with God first and we can always tell the difference in the results! One of our new goals is to always be mindful to never move forward in anything without taking it to God first!

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

I would like to thank all the readers of this blog page for logging on to Wife Talk, and for your comments. It is time for me to confer with God about the direction and upcoming topics for series 3. As always, I am open to topic suggestions and ideas that are on the hearts and minds of the readers. If you have a topic that you would like me to write about, please email me at www.wifetalkblog@yahoo.com.

I am also in the early planning stages of a “Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him” workshop for married couples. This workshop will also be open to couples that are unmarried, but in committed relationships, as well as single individuals. I stated that I am in the early planning stages, but because I’m being obedient to God’s goal for Wife Talk, the planning is moving along rather rapidly. If you think you would be interested in attending this workshop, please email me at www.wifetalkblog@yahoo.com. I will be tracking the interest of participants as it will better help me plan the workshop. I will be providing more details about the workshop (date, location, etc.) in the upcoming weeks so continue to log in each week. Again, thanks for your support.

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

The Other Woman

1 Timothy 5:8

If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

When you decided to accept his proposal, did it ever occur to you that you may have to share him? If so, how did it make you feel? Were you open and receptive to it, or did you put up resistance? When the wedding has ended and the honeymoon is over, we look forward to the life that we are to share with our spouses’. If you are like me, it was important to get to know one another as husband and wife without any outside interruptions. This is possible, but more than likely there will be some interruptions. What I mean by interruptions is the newly acquired family that comes with your husband. He also has a newly acquired family as well, however; I’m specifically speaking of his mother and if he has children, their mother as well. Today’s topic “The Other Woman” is about the relationship that you have with the mother of your stepchild/children and your mother-in-law.

You know that once you fall in love and decide to marry someone, if the person that you decide to marry is already a father, then he is a package deal. With him comes his child/children, and with the kids, their mom. I know that this may sound a little far off, however; the kids are products of both your husband and their mom. There really isn’t any way to get around it when you really think about it because under normal circumstances (the kids either live with you and your husband, or they live with their mother, and both father and mother share custody or have visitation rights) she is going to be around. I honestly don’t see why this should be a problem, but in so many relationships this is a huge problem (especially if there is bad blood between the biological parents). Not all, but in so many cases, the mother of the kids seem to be difficult to get along with and even bitter at times. Do you find yourself wondering if it’s you and if so why? Are you open to having a healthy, cordial relationship with this person, or not? I’m asking these questions because these are the questions that have to be answered if you are involved in a unhealthy, tense, co-parenting relationship. Be real honest with yourself about the type of relationship you want to have with this woman. I know that some of you are probably saying: “Treazure, you’re tripping”! No, I’m not! You may not want to admit this but you should have a relationship with her, and the children are the reason why! It does not matter what type of relationship she has with your husband, your relationship with her is crucial. You are the person that your husband chose to share his life with, and his children are a part of his life. Therefore, their mother is a part of your life. What do you want for the kids? Do you want the kids to experience love that comes from family no matter the family make-up, or do you want them to experience tension, bickering, and negativity? Sometimes we must put aside our personal differences for the sake of our children.

As the woman of your household, I think that you should encourage a healthy, sincere relationship with the biological mom. You never know what God is intending on doing for this family through you. This mom may not be so cordial towards you for a number of reasons, or it may not really have anything to do with you at all. She could be bitter that the relationship with she and your spouse ended, she could be happy that it ended but not trust him (therefore, why should she trust you), she could be insecure about herself and her own relationship status, she could be cautious because she doesn’t know you, and the list goes on and on. However; it really does not matter what her deal is because you have the man that you chose, and that chose you, and together it is your responsibility to raise these children right, and part of raising them right is making sure that they feel secure with all parents involved.

If there are challenges in this area, think about how you could bring about change. Once you think about it, pray about the change, and then take action! Go to this woman and share with her who you truly are. Let her know that you have accepted her children as a package deal; they’re your children now as well as hers and your husband’s. Allow her to realize that you are not here to take her place (you couldn’t even if you wanted to). You are just an additional blessing from God as another person to love her children. Make sure that she knows that you have her children’s best interest at heart. This is not a competition as to who can be the best mother, or who the children will love the most. Children are beautiful creatures who only know love, no matter who it’s coming from. They have the perfect insight and ability to love us just the way that we are. You may decide to call her on the phone, maybe writing her a letter would be easier, but however you’re led to do it, make the decision to do so.

My husband and I have been blessed to have good, strong, sincere relationships with the mother’s of our boys, and it makes this extended family thing so wonderful. Our boys never have to feel torn between their dad and myself, and their moms. They know that God blessed them with two moms and a dad that love them very much!

Now there is another lady that may be present in his life, therefore; she is present in yours. I’m speaking of your mother-in-law. How is your relationship with her? Do you feel that there is competition with her for your husband’s time and attention? If so, embrace her also. Make sure that you encourage change and growth with her the same way that was suggested about the mother of the kids. Once you have done your part, allow God to do the rest. Some people are territorial and feel that they aren’t loved as much when someone new comes along, however; let her know that she has not lost a son, she’s gained a daughter!

1 Timothy 5:8 says: If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. To summarize this: Almost everyone has relatives, family of some kind. Family relationships are so important in God’s eyes. Paul says, that a person who neglects his or her family responsibilities has denied the faith. Are you doing your part to meet the needs of those included in your family circle?

I’m asking the question: What do we want our children to learn most about family? We want them to learn that family is the strongest unit in our society today, and that no matter what families love each other, just as God loves each of us. Put your personal opinions and feelings aside in regards to the mother of your stepchildren and ask God to assist you in doing your part to bring about peace and balance in your household and family life, so that your children will grow to be loving individuals based on the love they received from each of their parents.

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

Walking in his shoes

Matthew 7:1-2

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Have you ever slipped your feet into a pair of your husband’s slippers? Perhaps you needed to get the mail, or get something out of the car, maybe you had to feed the dogs; whatever the reason, how did it feel to be in his shoes? Well, I’ve worn my husband’s slippers many times, and there was quite a bit of room to fill, as my husband wears a size 13, and I wear a size 7. I often wonder what it’s like to walk in his shoes on a daily basis. I mean we share a life together, but what is it really like for him? Have you ever wondered the same about your mate? If so, then you know that life is not always a bed of roses.

I can’t count the numerous times that I’ve given my husband a hard time about something that he has done, not done, or should be doing; just voicing my opinions and concerns at will. I would often share with him how I would handle things if it were me. Well, last I checked, I’m definitely not him! I have to admit that I’ve judged him on more than one or two occasions without even taking into consideration what it’s like to walk in his shoes. There is a saying “ never judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.” Well, considering that I don’t walk long distances often (hardly ever), then I should keep my mouth closed and my thoughts (negative) to myself. My husband and I do a really good job of sharing with one another the ups and downs of our lives (past and present), but sometimes he doesn’t have to say a word because his pain is written all over his face. Personally, I’ve made so many mistakes in my own life that I don’t have room to be critical or judgmental of anyone else, especially the man that I share my life with. Again, as his wife it is my responsibility to encourage him as often as I can. I know that the world beats him up on a daily basis, so he doesn’t need to be put in the headlock by me. Besides, to some degree I can understand what he’s been through, as well as what he goes through; but I can never imagine to what degree the depths of his pain run. If I’m riding his back all the time, who is he going to trust to have his back? Your mate may have some issues; some things that you feel he could change, but who doesn’t? Are you issue free?

Matthew 7:1-2 says “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” In summary: Jesus tells us to examine our own motives and conduct instead of judging others. The traits that bother us in others are often the habits we dislike in ourselves. Our untamed bad habits and behavior patterns are the very ones that we most want to change in others. Do you find it easy to magnify others’ faults while excusing your own? If you are ready to criticize someone, check to see if you deserve the same criticism. Judge yourself first, and then lovingly forgive and help your neighbor.

By far ladies, there is nothing wrong with a little constructive criticism when needed, but make sure it’s constructive. I’m sure that our mates are doing their best to provide for us and our families. Don’t be so quick to tear him down! LOVE him up instead!

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

How is the 30-Day Encouragement challenge coming along? I have two more days to go. It has been awesome. I have seen so many changes in my “him”, as well as in myself. It has been one of the most uplifting things that I’ve ever done! For those of you that are doing the challenge, keep up the good work, and for those who haven’t started, enjoy it when you do!

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!

This column is dedicated to my Valentine…my “Him”!
I LOVE YOU! FOREVER YOURS, HER

Feeling Unappreciated

Song of Songs 2:1
“I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.”

How often do you tell your significant other that he doesn’t appreciate you? How often do you think this to be true? As women we wear so many hats today; we are wives, mothers, employees, employers, sisters, daughters, committee members, aunties, godmothers, friends, and the list goes on and on. There is so much to be done and little time to do it. It is very easy to give of yourself and begin to feel unappreciated or taken for granted. It’s often easier to feel this way within marriage. What exactly does feeling appreciated mean to you? I decided to ask myself that question years ago during one of my “feeling unappreciated moments”.

I’ve always taken my responsibility as a wife (help mate) very seriously. I started out doing all the things that I thought a good wife should; I cooked dinner every night and breakfast most mornings, I did all the housework (except take out the garbage), ironed clothes for both myself and my husband, grocery shopped, ran errands, rubbed his feet and back every evening, etc. My husband always seemed to be just fine with everything that I did, it was like he expected it. There were times that I‘d become extremely annoyed at my husband and I found myself questioning if he realized what he had in a woman. The reason being is that “he was just fine” with what I was doing, and I thought that was all there was to it. It was like I thought that I deserved some type of praise for being a good wife, I needed to know that I was appreciated instead of just something that he expected. I didn’t know if I wanted him to be on the airwaves making a public service announcement that he had a good wife, or if I wanted him to shout it from the rooftop. I’m not sure if I needed him to reciprocate some of the things that I did or what, however; it became a problem. I often felt like I should just stop doing these things, and maybe then he’d appreciate me. One day during an argument, I let him know how I felt and the expression on his face led me to question if I even knew what I was saying. It was a look of “I can’t believe that you would say or think something like that.” We had a long discussion and I had to reevaluate just what led me to thinking that I wasn’t appreciated, and further more; what appreciation really meant to me.

I realized that I wanted my husband to feel grateful that I was his wife and I was a blessing to him, this is what appreciation meant to me. I soon began to understand that feeling appreciated is not solely what someone feels or says to you, it is about action. My husband had always shown his appreciation! He showed his appreciation for me when he ate every morsel of food on his plate that I cooked, or when he would sniff to inhale the freshness of clean clothes when I did laundry, or the child-like excitement that he expressed as he would look in the shopping bags to see my grocery store purchases (what goodies did I bring home), or the gentle smile that would spread across his face from pure relaxation as I rubbed his feet and back each night. Although he did not always reciprocate, or verbally express his gratitude for the things that I did, I knew that I was appreciated by my husband because of his actions. As a result, I also realized that the things I was doing for my husband brought me great joy as a wife because these are the things that I am supposed to do. I am his help mate, so therefore; it is my responsibility to pray for him, encourage him, and support him any way that I can. To this day, I still do all of these things for my husband and I am proud of it! He still shows his appreciation in the above mentioned ways, but he also verbally thanks me daily for being such a good wife, a blessing to him. Boy, do I feel appreciated!

Song of Songs 2:1 says “I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys”. In summary, the rose of Sharon and lily of the valleys were flowers commonly found in Israel. Perhaps the girl was saying, “I’m just an ordinary flower,” to which Solomon replied, “Oh, no, you are extraordinary-a lily among thorns.” Solomon used the language of love. There is nothing more vital than encouraging and appreciating the person you love. Be sure to tell your spouse “I love you” every day, and show that love by your actions.

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

Is he listening?

James 1:19
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

When conversing with your husband, do you ever find yourself wondering if you are talking just to be talking, or is your husband really listening to what it is that you are saying? I mean, this topic is one that has taken me a bit longer to grasp more so than any other topic that I’ve written thus far. You see, listening is a part of communication and without good communication; a relationship could hit rocky roads.

If you have ever experienced things like being in the midst of a conversation and your man walks off, or turns the channel, or picks up his cell phone and starts playing games, or he sits there in front of you and starts talking about something else, or perhaps he just doesn’t say anything at all; then you know what I mean when I ask “Is he listening”? If this has or does happen to you, what do you do? Well, if you’re like me (pre-grasping state), then you probably get pretty heated during these times, and from there, all chaos breaks loose. Once things have settled down, then the cycle usually reoccurs during one of those “you have something important to say moments”. What I chose to do (after I questioned if my husband had ever been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD), was to take notice of when this would occur. I had to ask myself if his listening to me was a problem all the time, or were there moments that he would actually listen and pay attention. Much to my surprise, there were quite a few recognizable moments that he actually listened to me and paid close attention to what I had to say. You know what was even more surprising? The times that he listened was reflected upon how I approached him.

I began to notice that when I talked at him rather than to him, he wouldn’t be involved in the conversation. If my tone was more like a mother talking to, or scolding her child rather than a loving wife respectfully discussing a subject with her husband; he wouldn’t be involved in the conversation. If I butted in or cut him off with my own personal opinions/suggestions when he was speaking, he would tune out. There were several times that I would start discussing things with him when he was already doing something else. The lesson that I had to learn was one of “picking and choosing” the right moments to discuss or tell my husband things. My husband does an excellent job of listening to me and he pays close attention to what I have to say when I approach him the right way.

What does approaching him the right way mean? It means to choose the right time to talk to your man. If he is doing something, then let him know that you need to talk to him as soon as he is available (preferably when you can have his undivided attention). Remember that you are his mate, so therefore; talk to him rather than at him. Also, when he is involved in the conversation, don’t give your advice or opinion about what he has to say, unless he requests it (sometimes he just needs for you to listen). You also should be mindful of how many times you say something to him, once (or twice) is enough, he’ll get it!

James 1:19 says: My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. To summarize this, when we talk too much and listen too little, we communicate to others that we think our ideas are much more important than theirs. James wisely advises us to reverse this process. Put a mental stopwatch on your conversations and keep track of how much you talk and how much you listen. When people talk with you, do they feel that their viewpoints and ideas have value?

Ladies, communication works two ways: talking and listening, so you have to be good at both in order to encourage your mate to do the same. Be to him what you want him to be to you (a good communicator)!

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

Holding Grudges

1 Corinthians 13:4-5
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Of course we’ve all been told a million times that it is not good or nice to hold a grudge, but how often do we ignore this advice? It can certainly happen to the best of us, but it is definitely not the best thing to do. Even more importantly, do we even realize that we are doing this, and if so, why? I think that it is natural human nature to hold on to things far longer than what we actually should when we have been wronged. Yes, there are the occasional times when we can just let a situation go, and be fine with it, however; most times it’s not that easy.

I have often battled with holding grudges in the past until I realized that it isn’t healthy to do so. Even when you think that you’ve let go of an issue, it can still resurface if something triggers it. How often have you referred to a past argument or conversation that you had with your spouse in which he said something that hurt your feelings? How many times have you referred back to something that he did that may have hurt you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Do you feel like you must use any and every opportunity to rub these things in his face? If so, you’re holding a grudge! Whatever the source of resentment, did you immediately let it go and decided to forgive, or are you still harboring those feelings of ill will because you haven’t fully processed the situation? It is very important to know exactly where you are with any situation that may be consistently reoccurring.

Holding a grudge towards your spouse can definitely run interference within a blissful marriage. Communicating effectively with your spouse either written or verbally is crucial to getting past any animosity that you may have. What I mean by communicating effectively is that you share with your husband exactly how the action that hurt you really made you feel. Also, if you can, it would be great to explain why it hurt you. If he said something that hurt your feelings, maybe he’s unaware that this happened, or if it was intentional, then he needs to know that that wasn’t cool. We can continue to place blame in a confrontational, attitudinal type of way that allows us to let off a little steam, however; it can cause a cycle of animosity once your spouse starts throwing things in your face about what you’ve done to him. Once you have opened up and shared with your husband how you feel, pray and ask God to assist you with forgiving, and thank Him in advance for not only the power to forgive but to forget as well. Also, ask your partner to bear with you as you go through this process. You don’t want to make him feel bad or uncomfortable; I’m sure he feels bad enough.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 says: 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. In summary: Our society confuses love and lust. Unlike lust, God’s kind of love is directed outward toward others, not inward toward ourselves. It is utterly unselfish. This kind of love goes against our natural inclinations. It is possible to practice this love only if God helps us set aside our own desires and instincts, so that we can give love while expecting nothing in return. Thus the more we become like Christ, the more love we will show to others.

Remember, 1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It keeps no record of wrongs (my personal favorite). Let the grudges go!

*Scripture quotations and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him.

Treazure

How is the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge for Wives coming along? I am finding it quite motivating and inspirational. It is also allowing me to realize a few things about myself. I’m on day 6, 24 more days to go!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Proverbs 31:11

“Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value”.

If you’re like me; at some point in your life, or maybe in a specific area of your life, you’ve experienced low self-esteem. Low self-esteem reflects a person’s overall self appraisal of his/her own worth. It doesn’t really matter how pretty, smart, friendly, or loving you are, low self-esteem is far more common in people than you may realize. It shows its head in far more people than you might expect.

I’ve experienced low self-esteem at different points in my life, and for different spans of time. Although I knew that I wasn’t feeling good about myself, I didn’t fully connect the dots that pointed to low self-esteem right away, but once I did, the cover up began. Most people that knew me probably thought that I could never suffer from low self-esteem, as I’ve always carried myself very well. I knew how to wear the smile and act the part, but deep down inside I was crumbling. To the outside world, I was a very attractive, happy-go-lucky person secure within herself; but to those closest to me, I was an emotional wreck! And yes, I was battling with low self-esteem when I met my husband!

I would often find myself questioning whether or not he found other women more attractive than me, I was quick to point out his flaws, I was often defensive of myself when it wasn’t even necessary, and at times I would look for things to accuse him of when there was no evidence or reason to do so. I would often find myself being confrontational with him, and there were even moments when I was too needy. You know, needing to be in his face 24/7, or needing to hear him say that he loved me (when I knew that he loved me very much), or needing to be complimented far more than I was already being complimented. I needed conformation that I was a good woman/wife to him. In the beginning, low self-esteem caused me to feel insecure about myself and my abilities to be a good wife. If you see yourself in any of the things that I have mentioned, then it’s a strong possibility that you experience or have experienced low self-esteem. If you do, then it is time to take a close personal inventory of why you are experiencing this.

You see, there are a number of reasons why a person may experience low self-esteem. The cause ranges from childhood abuse (physical, mental, emotional, sexual, or verbal) to parents getting divorced, to parents having addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling), being picked on and taunted by your peers, to being in abusive relationships. Whatever the reason, if left unattended, low self-esteem can first and foremost ruin you as a person, but it can also be detrimental to your marriage/relationship.

Low self-esteem is a result of a chronic state of repressed feelings. Within your marriage, it brings about friction, which brings about mistrust, which in turn brings about poor communication. If there is lack of trust and communication within a marriage, what do you really have? What makes this so interesting is that men experience low self-esteem also. When experiencing lack of self-worth, share this with your spouse. The more open that you are with him the better you will begin to feel. Luckily for me, I have a very loving and understanding husband who stood by my side as I worked through my issues on my journey to healing. For this, I will always be grateful.

You have to know that in order for anyone to truly love, respect, and admire you, it is pertinent that you love, respect, and admire yourself. It makes for an even better relationship with your mate. It is interesting that I was led to start this week’s column from the same place that I left off, and that‘s Proverbs, Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character.

It states in Proverbs 31:11 “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” To summarize this, Proverbs has a lot to say about women. How fitting that the book ends with a picture of a woman of strong character, great wisdom, many skills, and great compassion. Some people have mistaken the idea that the ideal woman in the Bible is retiring, servile, and entirely domestic. Not so! This woman is an excellent wife and mother. Her strength and dignity do not come from her amazing achievements, however. They are a result for her reverence for God.

I would like to say that it is important to realize your true self-worth, the beautiful jewel that God created in you. Allow God to polish away all of your inclusions (flaws), so that you may brilliantly shine for the entire world to see!

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Wife Talk Introduction 2008

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Greetings,

Happy New Year! It is such a blessing and honor to be back! I would like to thank everyone that faithfully logged in each week during the 1st series, those who made comments, and those that have chosen to return. To the new viewers, I’d like to say “welcome” to Wife Talk.

I chose to take time off from the blog during the holidays, and by doing so, it gave me the opportunity to reflect on the new series of topics, as well as the overall goal of this blog (which is listed below). My prayer is that God continues to be glorified in every topic, and that each Wife Talk viewer receives exactly what you need. Your comments and suggestions are always welcomed and appreciated.

Wife talk is a weekly inspirational column for wives. This column is not based on the advice or guidance of any professional counselors or psychologists. It is the thoughts and opinions of a wife of eight years, and her friends who have been married anywhere from 2-10 years. It is based on the personal experiences of these women. This column will reveal some of the common ups and downs, ins and outs, highs and lows of marriage from their point of view. The column is raw and honest, but at the same time; it has a spiritual perspective on each topic. This column will cover what’s on the hearts and minds of women who are in both loving and nurturing marriages, as well as those who are in abusive marriages, and anything in between. It will cover what works in marriages, and what doesn’t; why women stay, and why they so often contemplate leaving. It will also provide a much needed support system for wives who want to connect with other women who share the same commonalities within marriages.

My hope is that as wives, we learn and understand what it truly means to be a husbands’ helpmate. The column topics for our second series are listed below (an *has been placed in front of the topic requested by a viewer in which I changed the topic name).

*Low Self-Esteem (what it does to a relationship)
Holding Grudges
Is He Listening?
Feeling Unappreciated
Walking in His Shoes (put yourself in his place)
The Other Woman (mother of your stepchildren and/or your mother-in-law)
Setting Goals for Your Marriage
Keeping It Fresh (how to keep the fire burning)
Purpose as a Couple (fulfilling God’s plan for your marriage)
Do You! (2nd most important thing a wife can do for her husband)

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure