Friday, October 23, 2009

Heart of Treazure IV

Writing for Wife Talk, Series Three (3) has been a journey of transparency, transformation and truth. As this Series comes to a close, I am led to reflect upon each of the topics that I’ve written about (divorce, abuse, and serving God together). I have grown immensely along this journey both as a wife and as a writer, and I’ve most enjoyed sharing this experience with each of you. I thank God for stretching me beyond measure; and most importantly, for finding me worthy to be used to write for Wife Talk.

The next few weeks will be filled with rest and preparation as I seek God’s guidance on the content for the upcoming Series. In the meantime, I will continue to post weekly “From the Heart of Treazure.” If there are specific topics that you would like for me to write about, email your suggestions to
wifetalkblog@yahoo.com. I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

I would like to thank the Invisible Secretary for the hard-work and dedication that has been given for the upkeep of this blog page. I also would like to thank Mrs. B.F. Brown for her commitment to editing the articles that grace the pages of Wife Talk. I would also like to thank each of the Wife Talk readers for logging in each week. It is my prayer that each of you receive exactly what you need from this blog. Last but not least, I could not do this if God did not allow me to be used as His vessel to deliver His message each week so that the Kingdom of God can be glorified.

I would like to give an extra special thanks to my Gem, my husband, “my him” for all of his love and support. As I strive to be as open with the Wife Talk reader as I possibly can about my experiences as a wife, I never want my transparency to place a shadow on your importance or feelings within our marriage. I love you!

As I go before the Lord seeking His purpose, plan and guidance for the next series, I ask that you please be prayerful about all things and pray for your “Gem”, yourself, the blog, and for me and my “Gem.” Again, thank you for being a blessing to Wife Talk.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!
Treazure

Friday, October 16, 2009

Put God First & the Rest Will Follow

1 Peter 3:1-2
3:1 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

As I ponder over the topic of believers being married to unbelievers, I am led to the vows and responsibilities that each spouse has to the other. Within the marriage, God places the husband over the wife and God is over the husband and the wife. In a situation where the wife is a believer and her husband is not there yet, it can be stressful on the marriage if the wife is trying to fulfill her vow to be obedient and submissive to her husband. I’ve often been challenged by this myself. In this situation, I had to learn that although I want to honor my vows of obedience and submissiveness to my husband; however, as a woman of God, I have to first be obedient and submissive to Christ.

In the beginning of my marriage, God was important in my life, but my husband was the most important person in my life. I was a submissive wife and felt that I was being true to my marriage vows by doing so. All I wanted was to have a blissful marriage and wanted it to remain that way forever. As I began to grow in Christ, the order of who was most important in my life began to change. Now that Christ is the most important person in my life, and then my hubby and our marriage, I am in a better place; I am at peace. At first I didn’t know how this would affect my marriage as my husband has always known his place in my heart and in my life as number one (1). I shared with him about my growth in Christ and that God is now the head of my life. My husband understood this and he is happy for me. There have been moments of tension when I’ve made a choice or a decision that God has led me to make and my husband wasn’t included. I credit this to my husband’s lack of understanding of what it means to allow God to be head of your life. If God placed him as head over me within this marriage and he is not yet at a place where God is the head over his life, then I must be obedient to the Lord first. I know that I am the most important person in my husband’s life and that God is important to him also; he just needs to change the order of who’s most important to him. I believe that this will be accomplished through prayer and by example. I strive daily to be submissive to my husband and do so by being obedient to Christ!

1 Peter 3:1-2
3:1 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

In summary, 1Peter 3:1“When a man became a Christian, he usually would bring his whole family into the church with him (see for example, the story of the conversion of the Philippian jailer in Acts 16:29-33). By contrast, a woman who became a Christian usually came into the church alone. Under Roman law, the husband and father had absolute authority over all members of his household, including his wife. Demanding her rights as a free woman in Christ could endanger her marriage if her husband disapproved. Peter reassured Christian women who were married to unbelievers that they did not need to preach to their husbands. Under the circumstances, their best approach would be one of loving service: they should show their husbands the kind of self-giving love that Christ showed the church. By being exemplary wives, they would please their husbands. At the very least, the men would allow them to continue practicing their “strange” religion. At best, their husbands would join them and become Christians too.”

Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!
Treazure

Friday, October 9, 2009

To Believe, or Not to Believe

1Corinthians 7:12-14
7:12 “To the rest I say this (I not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”

What I want most for my marriage is for my hubby and me to serve the Lord together. This has been my desire and my prayer for many years. When my “him” and I first got married 10 years ago, I didn’t have the relationship with God then that I have with Him now. I have been on the road of spiritual growth for many, many years. As I have and continue to grow, I wish for my husband’s walk to be parallel to mine. I consider myself in the toddler stages and I still need to hold onto the table edge to remain standing as I take steps to draw closer to Christ. I often wonder when and if we will come to a place within our marriage of being equally yoked. When I have these thoughts, I’m always led to continue praying for my husband and our marriage and to allow God to have His way with him.

In Proverbs 31, Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character, my favorite verse is 31: 28 “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” I often attempt to plant seeds about the Lord and having a relationship with Christ to my husband and many times I’m left feeling as if I didn’t get through to him. This one verse is special to me because it is confirmation of how I want to live my life; as an example. I want my husband to see me living a life of obedience and serving the Lord, so that he’ll want to also. There are times when I become sad, frustrated and drained while witnessing my husband go through trials and tribulations, because I know that things would be easier for him if he would allow God to guide his steps. I have to remember that it’s not my battle, but the Lord’s.

1 Corinthians 7:12-14
7:12 “To the rest I say this (I not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.”

In summary of these verses: 7:12 “Paul’s command about the permanence of marriage (7:10) comes from the Old Testament (Genesis 2:24) and from Jesus (Mark 10:2-12). His suggestion in this verse is based on God’s command, and Paul applies it to the situation the Corinthians were facing. Paul ranked the command above the suggestion because one is an eternal principle while the other is a specific application. Nevertheless, for the people in similar situations, Paul’s suggestion is the best advice they will get. Paul was a man of God, an apostle, and he had the mind of Christ.

7:12-14 “Because of their desire to serve Christ, some people in the Corinthian church thought they ought to divorce their pagan spouses and marry Christians. But Paul affirmed the marriage commitment. God’s ideal is for marriages to stay together-even when one spouse is not a believer. The Christian spouse should try to win the other to Christ. It would be easy to rationalize leaving; however, Paul makes a strong case for staying with the unbelieving spouse and being a positive influence on the marriage. Paul, like Jesus, believed that marriage is permanent (see Mark 10:1-9).

7:14 “The blessings that flow to believers don’t stop there but extend to others. God regards the marriage as “sanctified” (set apart for his use) by the presence of one Christian spouse. The other does not receive salvation automatically, but is helped by this relationship. The children of such a marriage are to be regarded as “holy” (because God’s blessings on the family unit) until they are old enough to decide for themselves.

Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

If you are a believer and your spouse does not yet believe, it can take its toll on a marriage. If you are planting seeds about the Lord to your spouse and it seems as though nothing is happening, don’t give up. Be consistent! Pray without ceasing and know that God is on your side. Often when we plant seeds, it seems as though it’s in vain, however, a dear cousin of mine stated to me that “sometimes we are not the intended individuals to plant the seeds; we may have been called to cultivate the soil in preparation for the seed to be planted.” Just remember to be the Christian you want to see in your husband, and God will handle the rest.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Thursday, October 1, 2009

From the Heart of Treazure, Part III

I’m astonished as I realize that Wife Talk Series Three (3) is drawing to a close! There are two topics (divorce and abuse) that I have written about thus far; however, I feel like this Series is just beginning. As I am writing this, I’m reflecting on the previously written topics of this Series, and I feel such an immense sense of gratitude that I made it through. Each topic has its own place of importance in my life and in sharing of my thoughts and experiences; I’ve grown in ways that I never imagined possible.

As I prepare to write about the final topic of this Series, “Serving God Together, Believers & Unbelievers”, I am anxious to share the message. If any of the three topics could best describe my long-awaited and most recent desire, this subject matter tops the list. There are a number of wonderful God-fearing women that I am blessed to have as friends and family members who are married and share this same desire for their spouses. I know a few good God-fearing single women who desire a believing spouse as their own. I understand that each of us is exactly where we are meant to be spiritually, and if we are not on the same page with our spouses, it is important to be prayerful and patient. God has a mighty plan in store for each marriage relationship and knowing the details of His plan is not always revealed in our timing, but in His. It is a privilege to know that God may want to use you as a helpmate to assist Him in turning an unbelieving spouse to a “believer.” How awesome would that be?

In discussing “Serving God Together, Believers & Unbelievers,” I will offer suggestions on being patient with an unbelieving spouse, the importance of prayer during the manifestation period, and allowing God to be in control of the situation. I will also answer the last of three (3) questions “Am I the kind of wife that God wants me to be?” that I posed to myself and each of you at the on-set of the Series. My response to this question will be located in the Hidden Treazure section of the blog page. This Series has been a journey of both courage and faith. I thank God for carrying me along the way and for each of you that have become a part of the Wife Talk family!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!
Treazure

Thursday, September 24, 2009

No More Hurt, No More Pain

Matthew 5:21-22
5:21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

Abuse is never an easy topic to discuss, nor is it an easy topic to understand. Initially, I resisted writing about this subject matter because of my own personal experiences that stem back to my childhood, and then carried over at one time into my adulthood. I came to a revelation because of what I’ve witnessed and experienced that I am not the only one. There are many women in our society today that are living a life of abuse in one way or the other; domestic violence is at an all time high in marriages, and is rapidly increasing in teenage relationships. I had to let go of the shame and my fear of reliving these memories in order to share with you, the Wife Talk reader, my experiences and more importantly, my healing.

I have written about verbal abuse (Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words Will Never Hurt Me), emotional abuse (Emotional Wreck), mental abuse (Mental Warfare), and physical abuse (Keep Your Hands to Yourself), within the past four (4) weeks, and with each of these articles I’ve described the types of abuse that can occur within marriages and different methods that the abuser uses to control his spouse. The key word here is “control”. Control, coupled with yet another essential ingredient, anger, each contributes heavily to the ongoing cycle of abuse.

In writing on this subject matter, I’ve twice made reference to a childhood poem “Children Learn What They Live,” by Dorothy Law Nolte. So often, when attempting to understand how, why or what can make a person abuse another, we have to start at the root, the beginning. Abuse is a learned behavior. What a child lives and ultimately learns can contribute to the type(s) of abuse that he imposes on another. In some marriages, there are multiple forms of abuse. There are also a small number of marriages in which the wife is the abuser. Happily ever after is what most of us wished for when we said our “I Do’s;” but for many, this is not the case.

Matthew 5:21-22
5:21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”

In Summary: Matthew 5:21-22 “Killing is a terrible sin, but anger is a great sin too because it also violates God’s command to love. Anger in this case refers to a seething, brooding bitterness against someone. It is a dangerous emotion that always threatens to leap out of control, leading to violence, emotional hurt, increased mental stress, and spiritual damage. Anger keeps us from developing a spirit pleasing to God. Have you ever been proud that you didn’t strike out and say what was really on your mind? Self-control is good, but Christ wants us to practice thought-control as well. Jesus said that we will be held accountable even for our attitudes.”

Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

This concludes the topic of abuse. I am grateful to God for guiding me through my task of writing about something so personal that I once was ashamed of sharing with anyone. I had to find the courage to share of my experiences and those of my family members and friends with you, the Wife Talk Reader. I hope the message is clear : Abusive marriages and relationships have to end. In abusive relationships, both spouses need healing. God is able to bring healing to each spouse and any situation that you and your husband may encounter.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

James 1:19-20
1:19 “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

The image of Ike Turner smashing cake in Anna Mae Bullock’s (aka Tina Turner) face is as vivid to me today as when I first viewed the academy award nominees on screen in the 1993 film, “What’s Love Got to Do with It.” There were a number of memorable scenes that I recall which showcased the physically abusive and controlling relationship that Tina Turner once shared with her ex-husband Ike Turner. As a “Lifetime” channel viewer, I have seen numerous movies about abuse. One of the Lifetime movies that I’ve watched the most is the 1984 movie starring the late Farrah Fawcett, “The Burning Bed.” In each of these movies the physical abuse was so extreme; and both women hit rock bottom from the continuous beat downs before rising to the occasion and making a choice to end the abuse. Both of these movies are based on true life stories and the decisions regarding how to end the abusive marriages were very different.

It is easy for me to relate to the physical abuse that each of these women experienced, because I know of at least 10 family members and friends, including myself who have been in physically abusive relationships or marriages. The level of physical abuse and how often differs with each relationship. If you’ve been pushed, shoved, smacked, slapped, punched, kicked, thrown, or choked; you’ve experienced physical abuse. If you initiate the physical contact or fight back, you’re in a physically abusive relationship. I’ve often wondered how a man can say that “he loves” a woman, when he puts his hands on her in violent, non-gentle, non-loving ways. What brings a person to the point of wanting to hit another human being, especially if that person is a wife? Anger is the answer. I’m always drawn back to the signs that the abuser is angry (rage, tone of voice, the look in the eyes) enough to become violent and put his hands upon a person. I’ve also been told by family members and friends of how they notice the signs of angry spouses/partners that lead to violent encounters.

There are some women who are being physically abused and you wouldn’t have a clue. They have mastered how to cover up the bumps and bruises, how to camouflage the black eyes. No matter how well a person covers up the evidence of physical abuse, you can not cover up the pain of the scars inside. Physical abuse leaves a woman broken, her self-worth is shattered, and maybe this is the ultimate goal of the abuser. If you are being physically abused, you have the will power deep within to get up! You just need to tap into that strength and claim it!

James 1:19-20
1:19 “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

In Summary: “These verses speak of anger that erupts when our egos are bruised-“I am hurt,” “My opinions are not being heard.” When injustice and sin occur, we should become angry because others are being hurt. But we should not become angry when we fail to win an argument or when we feel offended or neglected. Selfish anger never helps anybody.

Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

I’m once again drawn back to the poem: “Children Learn What They Live,” by Dorothy Law Nolte. The second line of this poem reads: “If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.” It is important to remember that both the abused and the abuser suffer. Abuse is learned behavior. If your spouse is a physically abusive person, he needs to receive help. I encourage you to seek the Lord’s guidance in deciding the best plan of action to promote healing in your life and a healthy relationship.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!
Treazure

Friday, September 11, 2009

Mental Warfare

2 Timothy 1: 7
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

We’ve all heard the slogan of the United Negro College Fund , “A Mind is A Terrible Thing to Waste,” filter from the mouth of the late Lou Rawls, this statement is true; but a mind is also a terrible thing to abuse. Our mindset determines everything within our lives. What we think about ourselves is what we will be or what we will become, unless we change our thought processes. Anyone, who mentally abuses another, aims to do one thing, and that is to control the mind of another person!

If you are living with a mentally abusive spouse, there is mental warfare going on in your home. Your husband views you as the enemy and he seeks to weaken or destroy you by mind control. The mission is clear; yet, the tactic may not be so obvious. Mental abuse (unlike physical abuse) is not always visible. A mental abuser may use words in more of a threatening way, such as; “If you do this, then I will…or I’m going to do that.” He will let you know the consequences if you do anything that displease him. A method to impose fear through threats and belittlement can torment you to no end. It becomes a constant battle between the two of you, until he wears you down. The mind is like a recorder; therefore, the threats and belittlement replay in your mind over and over until you start to believe you are who he says you are instead of realizing who God says you are.

In certain branches of Armed Services, drill sergeants use verbal and mental tactics to impose fear in soldiers to help prepare them for extreme situations they may encounter while performing the service of guarding and protecting our nation and other countries. This, however, is neither the way a husband should treat his wife nor the way a wife should treat her husband. Once something is drilled into your head (especially negative words), it’s challenging to reverse this train of thought.

2 Timothy 1:7
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

In Summary: 2 Timothy 1:6, 7 “Timothy was experiencing great opposition to his message and to himself as a leader. His youth, his association with Paul, and his leadership had come under fire from believers and nonbelievers alike. Paul urged him to be bold. When we allow people to intimidate us, we neutralize our effectiveness for God. The power of the Holy Spirit can help us overcome our fear of what some might say or do to us, so that we can continue to do God’s work.”

Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

I believe that “thoughts become things”, as I’ve heard author Wayne Dyer say on many occasions. What you think of yourself should really be determined by what God thinks of you. If your spouse is mentally abusive, he’s exhibiting learned behavior and needs a lesson on positive affirmations and reassurance of God’s love for him. I would encourage you to seek God’s guidance no matter the situation. He alone can provide the best possible solution based on your experiences. Again, I am aware that there are women who are abusive to their husbands, but men are the majority abusers within marriages.

Find the Jewel in you, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

My response to the question: “What kind of wife do I aspire to be” can be found under Hidden Treazure

Friday, September 4, 2009

Emotional Wreck

1 Peter 3:7
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”


Is it possible to experience one kind of abuse without being affected by another? It’s hard to imagine not, as there is a common link between each type. When I look at one of the definitions for “wreck”, given by the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary, it reads: “a person or animal of broken constitution, health or spirits.” How can a person’s spirit not be broken if she/he is a victim of mental, physical, verbal or emotional abuse? I know that we’ve all had our feelings hurt a time or two, but for someone who deals with or has dealt with emotional abuse, hurt feelings can leave one torn down.

Emotional abuse like verbal abuse is not noticeable to the eye (unlike physical abuse), and can be more discreet than verbal abuse. It’s sometimes camouflaged as “giving advice”, “guidance”, or “teaching”; thus, coming off more subtle and unrecognizable. Intimidation is a more aggressive form of emotional abuse and happens as accusations, threats, or orders. This can weigh heavily on a person, increasing tension and stress within the body, mind and spirit. A husband that demands constant attention from you and wants you to put everything else to the side to tend to his needs, is being emotionally abusive. You may think that he’s spoiled; and for some that may be the case, but if you are subjected to constant criticism and belittlement along with his needy behavior, then he’s not spoiled.

It’s important to be honest with yourself about what’s happening and consider what can be done about it, or you’ll eventually blame yourself for how you’re being treated. Deliberate arguments, are yet another type of emotional abuse, and I had no idea of such. Abuse is designed for the purpose of being able to control another individual. There are several different behaviors that can assist in accomplishing this if you are not made aware of them.

1 Peter 3:7
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

To summarize this: 1 Peter 3:7 When Peter calls women the “weaker” partners, he does not imply moral or intellectual inferiority, but he is recognizing women’s physical limitations. Women in his day, if unprotected by men, were vulnerable to attack, and financial disaster. Women’s lives may be easier today, but women are still vulnerable to criminal attack and family abuse. And in spite of increased opportunities in the workplace, most women still earn considerably less than men, and the vast majority of the nation’s poor are single mother’s and their children. A man who honors his wife as a member of the weaker sex will protect, respect, help, and stay with her. He will not expect her to work full-time outside the home and full-time at home; he will lighten her load wherever he can. He will be sensitive to her needs, and he will relate to her with courtesy, consideration, insight and tact. Also in 1Peter 3:7 If a man is not considerate and respectful of his wife, his prayers will be hindered, because a living relationship with God depends on right relationships with others. Jesus said that if you have a problem with a fellow believer, you must make it right with that person before coming to worship (Matthew 5:23, 24). This principle carries over into family relationships. If men use their position to mistreat their wives, their relationship with God will suffer.

Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

I would like to reiterate that all abuse that happens within marriages is not always done by the male spouse, as wives’ can be abusive too; however, in most cases, the male is the abuser. In either case, please lean not on your own understanding, but look to the Lord for guidance.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones but Words Will Never Hurt Me

Proverbs 11:9
“With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape.”

My mind drifts back to my early childhood school days to the first time I witnessed the wrath of the class bully. Although I wasn’t the target, I certainly felt the pain from his ugly words being directed at one of my friends. The name-calling seemed as if it would never end, and I was sure that my friend wanted to climb into a hole. To my surprise, however, I heard her say to him, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” When I heard those words come from her mouth, I was proud that she stood up for herself; but I could tell from the look in her eyes that she was ripped to pieces.

In actuality, words do hurt if used in a way that tears you down; and if the person using those words is your husband, it hurts even worse. Verbal abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse within marriages, and also the one less likely to be noticed. Verbal abuse can go unnoticed because there are no signs of visible proof (such as with physical abuse), and most verbal abusers torment their victims behind closed doors and out of the hearing zone of others. Name calling (stupid, lazy, fat, etc.) and belittlement (you don’t ever do nothing around here, when are you going to grow a brain, I should’ve married someone prettier, smarter, etc.) may start out as teasing, then increase to more direct intentional verbalization (the B word, I hate you, etc.) in an attempt to control the victim.

I will admit that my very first encounter with any form of abuse began at an extremely young age. I witnessed and overheard verbal abuse toward my mother. Even as a preschooler, I could feel the effect that this type of abuse left on one’s spirit. Although she would put on a smile for my sake, my mother was so torn down. I felt her pain because I was saddened and hurt for her. This continued on for years and finally it was time for me to leave the nest. Once I did so, I also witnessed a very dear friend experience the same thing during the brief time that I attended college. I used to convince myself that I would never allow any man to talk to me or treat me that way. After leaving college, I moved to a new city and made new friends. It was then that I also encountered this behavior being used toward a very good friend of mine. She and I had been friends for quite sometime, and it was because of her that I met my husband (my Him). I am approaching my tenth-year wedding anniversary, and I will say that, I too, at one time experienced the same verbal abuse that I witnessed in my home as a child, in college, and as a young adult. It has happened to me.

It wasn’t until I started praying and asking God to deliver me from this type of unhealthiness that I began to realize a few interesting revelations. The first being that a person will do to me, only what I allow him to; and secondly, if a person is treating me this way, then he must be in far more turmoil than what’s being inflicted upon me. People that are abusive have either been personally abused or witnessed abuse. Abuse is a learned behavior. I remember a childhood poem that my mother shared with me titled: “Children Learn what They Live”, by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph. D. The first line of this poem it reads, “If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.” Abuse in any form is an unacceptable and continuous cycle that needs to be broken.

I thank God for hearing and answering my prayers for both my hubby and myself. It was during those times that I prayed more for my husband than for myself. I had carried the pain from earlier abuse all my life, so I related to the pain that he experienced. It allowed me to empathize with him as opposed to being angry, unforgiving and unsympathetic. We are still works in progress, and I hope that our story can be a blessing to other couples who may be going through the same.

Proverbs 11:9
“With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape.”

Summary:The mouth can be used either as a weapon or a tool, hurting relationships or building them up. Sadly, it is often easier to destroy than to build, and most people have received more destructive comments than those that build up. Every person you meet today is either a demolition site or a construction opportunity. Your words will make a difference. Will they be weapons for destruction or tools for construction?

Scripture Quotations and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

There are known cases of women who are the verbal abusers within the marriage relationship; however, statistics show that there is a larger percentage of men who are the abusers in the home. In either case, it’s not healthy for the individuals, or the marriage. Ask God to direct your steps in working toward healing, growth, and forgiveness. Remember, with God you can be strong and although “Sticks and stones may break your bones, words will never hurt you.”

Be the dazzling jewel that He created you to be!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!
Treazure

Thursday, August 20, 2009

From the Heart of Treazure, Part II

I’m sincerely grateful to have finished writing about divorce, the first topic for Wife Talk Series Three (3). Now it is time to move on to the next topic of this series, abuse. Although there are several different types of abuse that can occur, I will be writing about four (4), (verbal, mental, emotional, and physical), and the effects that each has on a marriage. This subject is particularly challenging for me to write about as I have either witnessed or experienced abuse in one form or another.

Abuse is more common amongst women than you may think, but it’s usually kept quiet in most households. I realize that I have to be willing to be used in a mighty way to cover this subject as it hits close to home in so many ways. I’m not so sure that this subject matter is meant for me to write either as a means to offer suggestions on how to keep abusive marriages together or for me to bring to light a common, yet sensitive, topic that has to be addressed to promote empowerment amongst those who are being victimized in their relationships. I hope that I will have your prayers as I am lead to be obedient to God’s instructions as He uses me to share my personal thoughts and experiences with you about abuse.

Also during this series, I will answer the second of three (3) questions, “What type of wife do I aspire to be?” You can find my response in the Hidden Treazure section of the blog page. Thanks so much for your readership, each of you are such a wonderful blessing to Wife Talk!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Make It Last Forever

Luke 16:18
“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

In the past five weeks, I’ve written about some of the common factors within our society that lead couples to seek marital dissolution, “a.k.a.” divorce. While writing about these factors, I’ve noticed a common denominator amongst the list that is the ultimate influence on the decision to end a marriage, “lack.” In the first article of this series, “Sacred Vows”, the article discussed divorce, but it focused on lack of commitment being a reason that some seek divorce. In “To Trust or Not to Trust”, obviously, lack of trust was the focus here, and with “Open Lines of Communication”, lack of communication was the basis of the article. I also wrote an article titled “Other People’s Property”, where lack of faithfulness within the marriage was the focus; and finally, last week I wrote “No Romance without Finance”, which dealt with a lack of money. Now, as you can see the “lack” of something exists within these common reasons.

To lack, means “to be without”, or “not have”. If you lack any of these within your marriage (commitment, trust, communication, faithfulness, or money), then it’s easy to understand why one may ponder the subject of divorce. However, I want you to consider something else. I want you to consider not making divorce an option for your marriage. Even if you’re full within your marriage at this time, and lack nothing; divorce should not be an option at any time. You see, whatever it is that your marriage may lack now, God can bless you with it in abundance. We all have situations that may arise in our relationships; but when we said our vows, we made a commitment to God and our spouse. The promise was “for better or worse”, and for a lifetime.

Luke 16:18
“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

Summary: Most religious leaders of Jesus’ day permitted a man to divorce his wife for nearly any reason. Jesus’ teaching about divorce went beyond Moses’ (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Stricter than any of the then-current schools of thought, Jesus’ teachings shocked his hearers (see Matthew 19:10) just as they shake today’s readers. Jesus says in no uncertain terms that marriage is a lifetime commitment. To leave your spouse for another person may be legal, but it is adultery in God’s eyes. As you think about marriage, remember that God intends it to be a permanent commitment.

Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

You made a commitment to make it to the altar, so make the commitment to see your marriage through. As I’ve said before, marriage is a trinity between you, your spouse, and God. It takes all three for it to work, but it can’t and it won’t work without the Lord. Ask Him to shape your marriage for His purposes and be willing to allow Him to do so. It says in Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Thursday, August 6, 2009

No Romance without Finance

Luke 12: 22- 26
“22Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

It’s the daily topic of most of our discussions, in the work place, during play dates, or on the phone with our friends; we just can’t seem to help ourselves. It’s one of the things that we all have in common, although we may be in different classes. You can’t turn on the television without hearing about it on the news or it being the butt of a joke in a comedy or mentioned more seriously in a drama. Neither can you pick up the paper without viewing it in a headline, or subtitle. I’m talking about money! You can have an abundance of it, hardly any, or maybe you fall somewhere in between; but whatever the case; we are all affected by it in one way or another. The economy is in a recession, which means that we are being more mindful of how we spend our money. Most household budgets have changed in a way that we are more cautious of spending habits. Employment statistics are at an all time low (sending some into panic with worries of how to survive), as there is either one income or no income homes because so many Americans have lost their jobs. Money matters are never really cut and dry, as it is usually a topic that can spark heated debates in politics, careers, and in households.

We haven’t always been in a recession, although it may seem that way. However, money has been and still is on the list of most common reasons why married couples seek divorce. You may wonder why but think back to a time prior to marriage when you were concerned about making ends meet. If you’ve ever had a situation like that, then you know just how stressful it can be. Now, fast forward to the marriage where either one or both spouse(s) is stressed about finances. This can take a toll on a marriage in a big way. There are some couples that have money problems that don’t necessarily have anything to do with the recession. There are some husbands who are envious of their wife for example, because she earns a higher salary. There are some marriages that have financial issues because only one spouse works. There are also marriages that suffer because of lack of budgeting knowledge, or refusal of a spouse to stick to a budget, which can turn into money management problems. I’m sure, at some point, we have all had a bump or bruise in the money department.

Take my marriage for example; this is the one area that my husband and I have battled it out the most. For one, we share some commonalities about finances in that we both know that we need money to live, budgeting is necessary, and financial goal-setting is important. Implementation and dedication to these is the source of our issues, however. We come from similar backgrounds of family structure in that we’ve each witnessed our parents struggle to make ends meet and neither of us learned from them (at least not at a young age), about the importance of budgeting. My hubby learned about it from his mother when he was older. I learned of it (in my teens) from one of the most important women in my life, my Aunt Di. Although we didn’t live in the same city, once I started working she always used to stress the importance of being on a budget (giving God His, paying bills, paying yourself, and putting some in savings). I never applied what she taught me as I was very irresponsible with money. I used it for what I wanted and if I ran out, I would just wait to take care of “whatever needed to be taken care of” when I got my next check. Those days are long gone (thank the Lord) and now I value the information that she taught me. It’s so easy to be in a “rob Peter to pay Paul” situation, and a lot of marriages experience this.

If money is a problem in your marriage, it’s important to know why. I think that it’s important to reflect on what you learned about money as a child. It’s also important to loose yourself of bad habits with money. If money is scarce and you and your spouse are worried, it can become burdensome on the relationship causing other areas in your marriage to deteriorate. If financial issues are causing a strain on your marriage due to either the recession or otherwise, it is a direct reflection of lack of trust that God can supply your needs.

Luke 12: 22-26
“22 Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23 Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24 Consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”

In summary: Jesus commands us not to worry. But how can we avoid it? Only faith can free us from the anxiety caused by greed and covetousness. It is good to work and plan responsibly; it is bad to dwell on all the ways our planning could go wrong. Worry is pointless because it can’t fill any of our needs; worry is foolish because the Creator of the universe loves us and knows what we need. He promises to meet all our real needs, but not necessarily all our desires.

Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Bible (NIV).

The financial situation within each marriage may be different; however, the subject of money is the same. If you are free of money issues or if you have money problems, worrying about losing it or not having it to take care of your family needs should never worry you. When we worry about money we are ultimately giving up on believing that God is able to provide for us. It doesn’t matter that we are in a recession, because God’s resources are unlimited! Look to Him to guide you and your mate in being good stewards over your money as well as strengthening your faith that He can and will provide all your needs.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Other People’s Property

Hosea 3:1
“The Lord said to me, Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

When I read this scripture, it made me realize that only the will of God could make me stay with my husband in the matter of adultery or infidelity. The knowledge of unfaithfulness would be enough to send one’s mind racing with not only the thought of how this could happen, but why? In an instant, the mind would begin to brainstorm, listing all of the reasons why this should definitely not occur. I’m a good wife, I work hard, I’m loving, supportive, a good housekeeper, we have a healthy intimate relationship, I’m prayerful and encouraging, I’m the mother of his children, and so on and so on. All of these things would make the list I’m sure, but none of it is enough to keep the unthinkable from happening.

It’s so easy to assume that being married is an automatic pass that eliminates you from being a potential candidate for an episode of “Cheaters”. Although marriage should end ones desire to “sow his royal oats”, adultery can and does happen within a lot of marriages today. Adultery is one of the most common reasons why couples divorce within our society, leading me to again ask the question, what’s lacking in the relationship? The lack may be with one or the other of you, or within the marriage as a whole. It’s challenging enough to work on maintaining a healthy marriage, and to find out that your spouse is making nice with someone else is not the answer. This could bring your marriage to a screeching halt when you thought that you were cruising along just fine. It doesn’t matter how pretty, intelligent, loyal, supportive, prayerful, dutiful or great you are in bed, adultery can and does happen. The deception is enough to make you want to hurt somebody. When adultery occurs, it shatters the family structure. You wonder does the other person know that your spouse is married; and if so, what kind of a person would wreak havoc on a marriage? What if you found out that your spouse has developed feelings for this individual and more than sleeping together has taken place? Is your health at risk? All of these things are placed on the table when the sacred vow of matrimony is tarnished.

If this were to happen to you, would you be willing to put the pieces back together? Do you think that you could love your spouse and forgive him for the ultimate act of betrayal? Would you be willing to put your trust in him again? Would you have thoughts of what it would say about you if you did accept a cheating spouse back into your life, your bed, your heart?

Hosea 3:1
“The Lord said to me, Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

This Summary of scripture reads: This short chapter pictures the nation’s exile and return. Israel would experience a time of purification in a foreign land, but God would still love the people and would be willing to accept them back. God commanded Hosea to show the same forgiving spirit to Gomer. Although Hosea had good reason to divorce Gomer, he was told to buy her back and love her.

*Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Bible (NIV).

To accept an adulterous spouse back into your life would say a lot about you, it would be the ultimate act of Godliness. It takes a very special and faithful person to be obedient to God’s will. After all, we only want His will to be done in our lives, and our marriages. Take each and every matter to God and allow Him to guide you back to love. It’s not to say that it would be easy, but your marriage can be restored.

Find the Jewel in You, see the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Open Lines of Communication

Proverbs 13:17
“A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.”

How often have you said the words “He just doesn’t communicate with me”! If it’s been said once, it’s been said a thousand times. What does this really mean when we say those words? What are we really asking of our husbands when we desire that they communicate with us? Lack of communication is probably one of the most common reasons for divorce within our society today. However, there is an art to communicating with one another and often we neglect to take the time to develop this technique. It’s not just about communicating, it’s about communicating effectively! In order to communicate effectively, we must be willing not only to speak, but to listen. For those who are longtime readers of Wife Talk, you may recall the topic of “Is He Listening” from Series 2. In that article, I discussed the importance of communication as well as the importance of choosing the best times to discuss things with your mate so that the two of you can do so effectively. I think that it’s wise to become aware of your own personal communication skills. If you think that you communicate well because you say exactly what’s on your mind, that doesn’t necessarily make you a good communicator. There are a few things that I would like to share that have worked for me in an effort to open the lines of effective communication with my husband. I would also like to share the things that did not work so well. I think it’s important that I’m honest with you when I say keeping the lines of clear and effective communication open is a process that I often have to revisit, as it is easy to slip back into old patterns.

I have learned the importance of knowing what communication means to me and how I communicate best. For example, it is important to me that my husband and I have what I’d like to call “Family Talk” every now and again to discuss where we are individually and within the marriage. During this time, I try my best to remain silent until he’s shared all that he has to about his thoughts and feelings and I expect the same when it’s my time to speak. Although I would love for this to take place at least once a week, I don’t get bent out of shape if it doesn’t. However, I make sure that we do this as often as possible so that we can keep a strong connection.

Communication to me means that each of us makes a commitment to be present and accountable for quality talk time where we each have the floor to share as well as receive information that the other has to give. There have been times when even the best effort to communicate was ruined by hurt feelings therefore causing the discussion to become tense or even closed. It was during one of these times that I realized that my best way to communicate to my husband was through writing. I often write him letters to express what I’m thinking and feeling. I usually leave the letter in a place that I know he’ll see it, and I put no pressure on him to read it. I allow him to read it on his own time. He most often receives the information better from me in written form, which then leads to us having more effective verbal communication.

When discussing the things that don’t work for me, I will say that trying to have a discussion when he’s preoccupied with other things is usually not good because I don’t have his undivided attention. I mean if he’s watching television or relaxing or writing music then of course I’ll be shut out. I no longer try to tell him what he’s thinking or feeling especially if he hasn’t said it himself. Just because I know my husband, doesn’t entitle me to be prideful in my level of Clair cognizance. Also, beating around the bush is not good! There were times when I wasn’t sure if he would be offended by what I had to say or not, so I would take a long time getting it out. I had to learn how to express myself. Talking at my hubby rather than talking to him, as well as not being mindful of my tone of voice never ended on a positive note. It always caused an explosive argument. Finally, I must admit that I am a talker, a nurturer, and I like to “fix” or shall I say “resolve” things. I definitely had to realize that when my husband communicates with me, he’s not always looking for nor does he need a response, an opinion or a solution. If he needs either of those above mentioned things, he knows how to ask.

Proverbs 13:17
“A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.”

In Summary: In Solomon’s day, a king had to rely on messengers for information about his country. These messengers had to be trustworthy. Inaccurate information could even lead to bloodshed. Reliable communication is still vital. If the message received is different from the message sent, marriages, businesses, and diplomatic relations can all break down. It is important to choose your words well and to avoid reacting until you clearly understand what the other person means.

*Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

I would like to end this week’s article with the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary definition of three (3) words:

Communication: (1) an act or instance of transmitting (2) (a) information communicated (b) a verbal or written message (3) a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior (b) personal rapport.

Communicate: transitive verb- (1) share (2) a: to convey knowledge or information about: make known (b) to reveal by clear signs (3) to cause to pass from one to another. Intransitive verb- (2) to transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily received or understood (3) to open into each other.

It is my recommendation that we become aware of the meaning of each of the above words in order to connect or reconnect with our mates, however, my personal practice which I highly recommend for married couples is that of the third and final word: Commune- to communicate intimately. Ladies, when you start to feel that the lines of communication are down between you are your spouse, commune with one another!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!
Treazure

Thursday, July 16, 2009

When All Trust Is Gone

Numbers 5:14-15“14: and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure-or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure-15: then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.”

Although many reasons are given by couples as to why they may want to divorce, there are five (5) in particular that I think contribute heavily to a couple’s decision to seek dissolution of marriage, and today I will be writing about the first one, trust. If divorce is even a consideration, then obviously something is lacking within the marriage; there is a need that is not being fulfilled but whose responsibility is it to fulfill the void? Trust is a topic that I’m revisiting, as I discussed it in Series 1, column 2(Trust-Independent to Dependent, 9/2007); however, I focused more on the ability of trusting your husband enough to allow him to make decisions for you as the head of your household and marriage. This time around, my focus will be on trusting your mate in regards to other women. Trust is a key component if not one of the most important components for a successful marriage, and it may account for discord in other areas without it.

According to the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, the word trust means: “(a) assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something, (b) one in which confidence is placed.” I would also like to include the definition for trustworthiness, “a change or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship”. If trust is an issue in your marriage, have you considered why? What reason(s) do you have to mistrust your mate? Are you naturally suspicious (jealousy)? What reason(s) has he given you to be suspicious? When did the lack of trust begin? If you have not done so, I would suggest that you ask yourself the questions. It is important to be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with your spouse as to why trust is really an issue within the marriage.

If your spouse gave you reasons prior to the marriage that he’s not to be trusted, you may need to question what made you tie the knot. If the cause of suspicion or mistrust has to do with things you’ve noticed or have been told by others, such as your husband flirts with other women, he hangs out to much, his whereabouts are unaccounted for, or his interest in you has changed, then you should consider having a heart –to-heart conversation with him. Remember, there is a difference in suspicion and concrete evidence. If someone else has told you that they heard or saw your spouse doing something untrustworthy with another woman, be careful with that information and consider the source. There is nothing worse for a marriage than outsiders being involved in your business!

It is important to determine if lack of trust for your spouse is actually because of his doing or if there are some unresolved issues or insecurities that lie within yourself. In either case, once the bond of trust is broken, it is usually challenging to mend. There has to be a desire and a committed effort to repair the damage.

Numbers 5:14-15
“14: and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure-or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure-15: then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.”

Scripture Summary: “This test for adultery served to remove a jealous husband’s suspicion. Trust between husband and wife had to be completely eroded for a man to bring his wife to the priest for this type of test. Today priests and pastors help restore marriages by counseling couples who have lost faith in each other. Whether justified or not, suspicion must be removed for a marriage to survive and trust to be restored.”

*Scripture Quotations and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Lack of trust for any reason can destroy a marriage and if you can’t or don’t trust your husband because you suspect him of wrong doing, trust God to restore your marriage to the place that He wills it to be.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!
Treazure

Thursday, July 9, 2009

From the Heart of Treazure

I would like for each of the readers to know that it feels great being in the blogging world again! I have been out of the loop for some time now. However, during this time of reflection so many thoughts occupied my mind and I began to feel the pressure of having too much information and not knowing how to let it out in a way that would be beneficial to my readers. I’ve shared with you before that this blog comes from the Lord. He blessed me with this wonderful opportunity to co-work with Him to provide divine thoughts and words of wisdom to cope with the highs and lows of marriage from a wife’s perspective. Everything written is to serve His purpose and it’s important that I bring you His message.

There are so many different situations that we all experience within our individual marriages, but there are also similarities. So, having said this, I want to take you on a journey with me. A journey that will focus on the similar things that we experience as wives that bring about distress and can take a toll on a marriage. Along this journey, I decided to allow the thoughts on my mind to spill onto the pages of my Wife Talk Journal in search of new topics for Series 3, but it wasn’t until God whispered to me that I needed to search my heart for the contents of the topics that will be displayed on the blog page. In Wife Talk Series 1 & 2, there were ten topics per series, but Series 3 is meant to be different. There are three (3) areas of concern that I will be writing about and last week, “Sacred Vows” was the first article of the three topics which was about divorce. With divorce being the first topic, there are two other topics that I will be writing about, abuse and serving God together (believer vs. unbeliever). Now, within these three areas are subtopics which either contribute to thoughts about the main topic or are specific types for the main topic. There is so much to discuss and I can’t wait to share with you what God shares with me about each! Also, within this Series you’ll receive a bonus because I haven’t forgotten that I shared with you three (3) questions that I posed to myself during my hiatus and I will be answering each over the course of Series three. Those questions are: What kind of wife am I? What kind of wife do I aspire to be? And finally, Am I the kind of wife that God wants me to be? I would like for each of you to think about those questions in relation to yourself and I would love to hear from you by way of your comments. You can comment anonymously if you wish.

I wanted to bring you up to date with Wife Talk Series 3 so that you’ll know what to expect from this series. Again, I am so blessed to have such a wonderful readership. I give thanks to God for each reader He brings to the site. Until next week…remember,

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!
Treazure

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Sacred Vows

Matthew 5:31-32
31”It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.”

I’ve recently been so blown away by the alarming numbers of divorce (epidemic status) within our society today, that it not only angers me, it saddens me and even more so, it frightens me! I’ve been following the hoopla of Jon & Kate Gosselin of the hit reality TV show, Jon & Kate plus eight, who’s marriage/divorce has been plastered all over the headlines with the same intensity of an announcement of a possible nuclear explosion! We give the subject of divorce so much glory nowadays, and the topic of marriage is treated like a bad word! So, having said this, I would like to ask you a few questions, and discuss this sensitive subject.

Are long talks and dinner dates a thing of the past? Have picnics, romantic getaways and open lines of communication turned into argument city? Can you barely stand the sight of your spouse and have you grown cold to his touch? Has trust become an issue in your marriage, or does your spouse treat you disrespectfully? Do you feel disconnected from your spouse so much so that you no longer want to be connected at all? Well, in the course of every relationship there will be downfalls, obstacles and tests; however, within a marriage these trials can get the best of us, after all, marriage is a lifetime commitment. Yes, I did say lifetime commitment. No matter how rough the going gets, neither spouse should make the decision to get going! If you commit your life to someone you should remember that you entered into the commitment with a willingness to endure for the long haul, not treat marriage like a company’s return policy: exchange your spouse for something different, or get a full refund if it doesn’t fit right or it no longer appeals to your liking. Allow God to be your personal tailor/seamstress and to make those necessary alterations. After all, you did enter into marriage as a threesome and God can and will shape your marriage to be tailor-made, meaning the perfect fit for you and your hubby.

My Him (my husband) and I will be celebrating our 10th anniversary this year and within this timeframe, my nerves, patience, and FAITH have definitely been tested, and I’m sure his has as well! However, they say that anyone can get married, but staying happily married is something totally different, and I agree. There were times when I wanted to quit, give up, move on and out; however, I always remembered my vows (the PROMISE that My Him & I made to each other and most importantly to God) and for My Him and I, divorce is definitely NOT an option! No Way! I understand that you agreed to be with and deal with this person for eternity and that can sometimes be a bit much to take in, but remember that marriage is a spiritual thing, and it was designed to be comparable to Christ’s love for the church. It then should make a world of difference during the worst of times, for God is not going to give up on the church; why then should you contemplate giving up on your marriage? This is far more than 12rounds; you can’t just throw in the towel. I think I may have said this before in one of the previous topics, you and your spouse become one with God when you unite in holy matrimony; however, you are still individuals which means that at different times, you’ll each be at different places spiritually and personally, and it’s ok…it’s called growth and maturity.

As I see and hear of all the issues that married couples have, especially when one’s marital issues are making news headlines, it makes me wonder if any of these couples have had a heart–to-heart with the third person in the marriage; God. You see, I believe that it’s so easy to lean on our own understanding, taking matters into our own hands rather than asking God what’s His plan for the marriage and most importantly, being patient enough to receive the answer. This is why the divorce rate is so high and our families are being destroyed (the enemy is having a field day) because we think that we know what’s best for the marriage instead of allowing God to direct and guide the course to that perfect place and purpose that He designed each marriage for anyway.

*Matthew 5:31-32
31: “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32: But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” In Summary, 5:31, 32 “Divorce is as hurtful and destructive today as in Jesus’ day. God intends marriage to be a lifetime commitment (Genesis 2:24). When entering into marriage, people should never consider divorce an option for solving problems or a way out of a relationship that seems dead. In these verses, Jesus is also attacking those who purposefully abuse the marriage contract, using divorce to satisfy their lustful desire to marry someone else. Are your actions today helping your marriage grow stronger, or are you tearing it apart?”

5:32 “Jesus said that divorce is not permissible except for unfaithfulness. This does not mean that divorce should automatically occur when a spouse commits adultery. The word translated “unfaithfulness” implies a sexually immoral life-style, not a confessed and repented act of adultery. Those who discover that their partner has been unfaithful should first make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore their relationship. We are always to look for reasons to restore the marriage relationship rather than for excuses to leave it.”

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

As you can see, I’m very serious about the subject of divorce, but I’m even more passionate about the topic of marriage! I know that my marriage, your marriage, no marriage can nor will survive without God in the center, and in charge!

According to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of divorce is: “to dissolve a marriage; to end a relationship.” Well, I’ve decided to look at it from a different perspective and turn a negative into a positive. Before you seek an attorney to draw up divorce papers, try this: Treazure’s antidote for D I V O R C E

Dwell Inwardly Vowing Obedience Respecting Christ’s Expectations for marriage!

What this means is to go within yourself to seek introspect from God if you’re the person causing discord within the marriage and promise to be obedient to His guidance and show respect for Christ’s expectations for marriage. If your spouse is the one causing discord, pray for him that he does the same.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

I would like to wish a very Happy Birthday to the most important woman in my life, my mom! You're the reason that I sparkle so brightly as you've always encouraged me to let my light shine. I love you!