Open Lines of Communication

Proverbs 13:17
“A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.”

How often have you said the words “He just doesn’t communicate with me”! If it’s been said once, it’s been said a thousand times. What does this really mean when we say those words? What are we really asking of our husbands when we desire that they communicate with us? Lack of communication is probably one of the most common reasons for divorce within our society today. However, there is an art to communicating with one another and often we neglect to take the time to develop this technique. It’s not just about communicating, it’s about communicating effectively! In order to communicate effectively, we must be willing not only to speak, but to listen. For those who are longtime readers of Wife Talk, you may recall the topic of “Is He Listening” from Series 2. In that article, I discussed the importance of communication as well as the importance of choosing the best times to discuss things with your mate so that the two of you can do so effectively. I think that it’s wise to become aware of your own personal communication skills. If you think that you communicate well because you say exactly what’s on your mind, that doesn’t necessarily make you a good communicator. There are a few things that I would like to share that have worked for me in an effort to open the lines of effective communication with my husband. I would also like to share the things that did not work so well. I think it’s important that I’m honest with you when I say keeping the lines of clear and effective communication open is a process that I often have to revisit, as it is easy to slip back into old patterns.

I have learned the importance of knowing what communication means to me and how I communicate best. For example, it is important to me that my husband and I have what I’d like to call “Family Talk” every now and again to discuss where we are individually and within the marriage. During this time, I try my best to remain silent until he’s shared all that he has to about his thoughts and feelings and I expect the same when it’s my time to speak. Although I would love for this to take place at least once a week, I don’t get bent out of shape if it doesn’t. However, I make sure that we do this as often as possible so that we can keep a strong connection.

Communication to me means that each of us makes a commitment to be present and accountable for quality talk time where we each have the floor to share as well as receive information that the other has to give. There have been times when even the best effort to communicate was ruined by hurt feelings therefore causing the discussion to become tense or even closed. It was during one of these times that I realized that my best way to communicate to my husband was through writing. I often write him letters to express what I’m thinking and feeling. I usually leave the letter in a place that I know he’ll see it, and I put no pressure on him to read it. I allow him to read it on his own time. He most often receives the information better from me in written form, which then leads to us having more effective verbal communication.

When discussing the things that don’t work for me, I will say that trying to have a discussion when he’s preoccupied with other things is usually not good because I don’t have his undivided attention. I mean if he’s watching television or relaxing or writing music then of course I’ll be shut out. I no longer try to tell him what he’s thinking or feeling especially if he hasn’t said it himself. Just because I know my husband, doesn’t entitle me to be prideful in my level of Clair cognizance. Also, beating around the bush is not good! There were times when I wasn’t sure if he would be offended by what I had to say or not, so I would take a long time getting it out. I had to learn how to express myself. Talking at my hubby rather than talking to him, as well as not being mindful of my tone of voice never ended on a positive note. It always caused an explosive argument. Finally, I must admit that I am a talker, a nurturer, and I like to “fix” or shall I say “resolve” things. I definitely had to realize that when my husband communicates with me, he’s not always looking for nor does he need a response, an opinion or a solution. If he needs either of those above mentioned things, he knows how to ask.

Proverbs 13:17
“A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.”

In Summary: In Solomon’s day, a king had to rely on messengers for information about his country. These messengers had to be trustworthy. Inaccurate information could even lead to bloodshed. Reliable communication is still vital. If the message received is different from the message sent, marriages, businesses, and diplomatic relations can all break down. It is important to choose your words well and to avoid reacting until you clearly understand what the other person means.

*Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

I would like to end this week’s article with the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary definition of three (3) words:

Communication: (1) an act or instance of transmitting (2) (a) information communicated (b) a verbal or written message (3) a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior (b) personal rapport.

Communicate: transitive verb- (1) share (2) a: to convey knowledge or information about: make known (b) to reveal by clear signs (3) to cause to pass from one to another. Intransitive verb- (2) to transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily received or understood (3) to open into each other.

It is my recommendation that we become aware of the meaning of each of the above words in order to connect or reconnect with our mates, however, my personal practice which I highly recommend for married couples is that of the third and final word: Commune- to communicate intimately. Ladies, when you start to feel that the lines of communication are down between you are your spouse, commune with one another!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure