Other People’s Property

Hosea 3:1
“The Lord said to me, Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

When I read this scripture, it made me realize that only the will of God could make me stay with my husband in the matter of adultery or infidelity. The knowledge of unfaithfulness would be enough to send one’s mind racing with not only the thought of how this could happen, but why? In an instant, the mind would begin to brainstorm, listing all of the reasons why this should definitely not occur. I’m a good wife, I work hard, I’m loving, supportive, a good housekeeper, we have a healthy intimate relationship, I’m prayerful and encouraging, I’m the mother of his children, and so on and so on. All of these things would make the list I’m sure, but none of it is enough to keep the unthinkable from happening.

It’s so easy to assume that being married is an automatic pass that eliminates you from being a potential candidate for an episode of “Cheaters”. Although marriage should end ones desire to “sow his royal oats”, adultery can and does happen within a lot of marriages today. Adultery is one of the most common reasons why couples divorce within our society, leading me to again ask the question, what’s lacking in the relationship? The lack may be with one or the other of you, or within the marriage as a whole. It’s challenging enough to work on maintaining a healthy marriage, and to find out that your spouse is making nice with someone else is not the answer. This could bring your marriage to a screeching halt when you thought that you were cruising along just fine. It doesn’t matter how pretty, intelligent, loyal, supportive, prayerful, dutiful or great you are in bed, adultery can and does happen. The deception is enough to make you want to hurt somebody. When adultery occurs, it shatters the family structure. You wonder does the other person know that your spouse is married; and if so, what kind of a person would wreak havoc on a marriage? What if you found out that your spouse has developed feelings for this individual and more than sleeping together has taken place? Is your health at risk? All of these things are placed on the table when the sacred vow of matrimony is tarnished.

If this were to happen to you, would you be willing to put the pieces back together? Do you think that you could love your spouse and forgive him for the ultimate act of betrayal? Would you be willing to put your trust in him again? Would you have thoughts of what it would say about you if you did accept a cheating spouse back into your life, your bed, your heart?

Hosea 3:1
“The Lord said to me, Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”

This Summary of scripture reads: This short chapter pictures the nation’s exile and return. Israel would experience a time of purification in a foreign land, but God would still love the people and would be willing to accept them back. God commanded Hosea to show the same forgiving spirit to Gomer. Although Hosea had good reason to divorce Gomer, he was told to buy her back and love her.

*Scripture quotation and summary are taken from the Life Application Bible (NIV).

To accept an adulterous spouse back into your life would say a lot about you, it would be the ultimate act of Godliness. It takes a very special and faithful person to be obedient to God’s will. After all, we only want His will to be done in our lives, and our marriages. Take each and every matter to God and allow Him to guide you back to love. It’s not to say that it would be easy, but your marriage can be restored.

Find the Jewel in You, see the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Open Lines of Communication

Proverbs 13:17
“A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.”

How often have you said the words “He just doesn’t communicate with me”! If it’s been said once, it’s been said a thousand times. What does this really mean when we say those words? What are we really asking of our husbands when we desire that they communicate with us? Lack of communication is probably one of the most common reasons for divorce within our society today. However, there is an art to communicating with one another and often we neglect to take the time to develop this technique. It’s not just about communicating, it’s about communicating effectively! In order to communicate effectively, we must be willing not only to speak, but to listen. For those who are longtime readers of Wife Talk, you may recall the topic of “Is He Listening” from Series 2. In that article, I discussed the importance of communication as well as the importance of choosing the best times to discuss things with your mate so that the two of you can do so effectively. I think that it’s wise to become aware of your own personal communication skills. If you think that you communicate well because you say exactly what’s on your mind, that doesn’t necessarily make you a good communicator. There are a few things that I would like to share that have worked for me in an effort to open the lines of effective communication with my husband. I would also like to share the things that did not work so well. I think it’s important that I’m honest with you when I say keeping the lines of clear and effective communication open is a process that I often have to revisit, as it is easy to slip back into old patterns.

I have learned the importance of knowing what communication means to me and how I communicate best. For example, it is important to me that my husband and I have what I’d like to call “Family Talk” every now and again to discuss where we are individually and within the marriage. During this time, I try my best to remain silent until he’s shared all that he has to about his thoughts and feelings and I expect the same when it’s my time to speak. Although I would love for this to take place at least once a week, I don’t get bent out of shape if it doesn’t. However, I make sure that we do this as often as possible so that we can keep a strong connection.

Communication to me means that each of us makes a commitment to be present and accountable for quality talk time where we each have the floor to share as well as receive information that the other has to give. There have been times when even the best effort to communicate was ruined by hurt feelings therefore causing the discussion to become tense or even closed. It was during one of these times that I realized that my best way to communicate to my husband was through writing. I often write him letters to express what I’m thinking and feeling. I usually leave the letter in a place that I know he’ll see it, and I put no pressure on him to read it. I allow him to read it on his own time. He most often receives the information better from me in written form, which then leads to us having more effective verbal communication.

When discussing the things that don’t work for me, I will say that trying to have a discussion when he’s preoccupied with other things is usually not good because I don’t have his undivided attention. I mean if he’s watching television or relaxing or writing music then of course I’ll be shut out. I no longer try to tell him what he’s thinking or feeling especially if he hasn’t said it himself. Just because I know my husband, doesn’t entitle me to be prideful in my level of Clair cognizance. Also, beating around the bush is not good! There were times when I wasn’t sure if he would be offended by what I had to say or not, so I would take a long time getting it out. I had to learn how to express myself. Talking at my hubby rather than talking to him, as well as not being mindful of my tone of voice never ended on a positive note. It always caused an explosive argument. Finally, I must admit that I am a talker, a nurturer, and I like to “fix” or shall I say “resolve” things. I definitely had to realize that when my husband communicates with me, he’s not always looking for nor does he need a response, an opinion or a solution. If he needs either of those above mentioned things, he knows how to ask.

Proverbs 13:17
“A wicked messenger falls into trouble, but a trustworthy envoy brings healing.”

In Summary: In Solomon’s day, a king had to rely on messengers for information about his country. These messengers had to be trustworthy. Inaccurate information could even lead to bloodshed. Reliable communication is still vital. If the message received is different from the message sent, marriages, businesses, and diplomatic relations can all break down. It is important to choose your words well and to avoid reacting until you clearly understand what the other person means.

*Scripture Quotation and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV)

I would like to end this week’s article with the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary definition of three (3) words:

Communication: (1) an act or instance of transmitting (2) (a) information communicated (b) a verbal or written message (3) a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior (b) personal rapport.

Communicate: transitive verb- (1) share (2) a: to convey knowledge or information about: make known (b) to reveal by clear signs (3) to cause to pass from one to another. Intransitive verb- (2) to transmit information, thought, or feeling so that it is satisfactorily received or understood (3) to open into each other.

It is my recommendation that we become aware of the meaning of each of the above words in order to connect or reconnect with our mates, however, my personal practice which I highly recommend for married couples is that of the third and final word: Commune- to communicate intimately. Ladies, when you start to feel that the lines of communication are down between you are your spouse, commune with one another!

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

When All Trust Is Gone

Numbers 5:14-15“14: and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure-or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure-15: then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.”

Although many reasons are given by couples as to why they may want to divorce, there are five (5) in particular that I think contribute heavily to a couple’s decision to seek dissolution of marriage, and today I will be writing about the first one, trust. If divorce is even a consideration, then obviously something is lacking within the marriage; there is a need that is not being fulfilled but whose responsibility is it to fulfill the void? Trust is a topic that I’m revisiting, as I discussed it in Series 1, column 2(Trust-Independent to Dependent, 9/2007); however, I focused more on the ability of trusting your husband enough to allow him to make decisions for you as the head of your household and marriage. This time around, my focus will be on trusting your mate in regards to other women. Trust is a key component if not one of the most important components for a successful marriage, and it may account for discord in other areas without it.

According to the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, the word trust means: “(a) assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something, (b) one in which confidence is placed.” I would also like to include the definition for trustworthiness, “a change or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship”. If trust is an issue in your marriage, have you considered why? What reason(s) do you have to mistrust your mate? Are you naturally suspicious (jealousy)? What reason(s) has he given you to be suspicious? When did the lack of trust begin? If you have not done so, I would suggest that you ask yourself the questions. It is important to be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with your spouse as to why trust is really an issue within the marriage.

If your spouse gave you reasons prior to the marriage that he’s not to be trusted, you may need to question what made you tie the knot. If the cause of suspicion or mistrust has to do with things you’ve noticed or have been told by others, such as your husband flirts with other women, he hangs out to much, his whereabouts are unaccounted for, or his interest in you has changed, then you should consider having a heart –to-heart conversation with him. Remember, there is a difference in suspicion and concrete evidence. If someone else has told you that they heard or saw your spouse doing something untrustworthy with another woman, be careful with that information and consider the source. There is nothing worse for a marriage than outsiders being involved in your business!

It is important to determine if lack of trust for your spouse is actually because of his doing or if there are some unresolved issues or insecurities that lie within yourself. In either case, once the bond of trust is broken, it is usually challenging to mend. There has to be a desire and a committed effort to repair the damage.

Numbers 5:14-15
“14: and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure-or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure-15: then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.”

Scripture Summary: “This test for adultery served to remove a jealous husband’s suspicion. Trust between husband and wife had to be completely eroded for a man to bring his wife to the priest for this type of test. Today priests and pastors help restore marriages by counseling couples who have lost faith in each other. Whether justified or not, suspicion must be removed for a marriage to survive and trust to be restored.”

*Scripture Quotations and Summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Lack of trust for any reason can destroy a marriage and if you can’t or don’t trust your husband because you suspect him of wrong doing, trust God to restore your marriage to the place that He wills it to be.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

From the Heart of Treazure

I would like for each of the readers to know that it feels great being in the blogging world again! I have been out of the loop for some time now. However, during this time of reflection so many thoughts occupied my mind and I began to feel the pressure of having too much information and not knowing how to let it out in a way that would be beneficial to my readers. I’ve shared with you before that this blog comes from the Lord. He blessed me with this wonderful opportunity to co-work with Him to provide divine thoughts and words of wisdom to cope with the highs and lows of marriage from a wife’s perspective. Everything written is to serve His purpose and it’s important that I bring you His message.

There are so many different situations that we all experience within our individual marriages, but there are also similarities. So, having said this, I want to take you on a journey with me. A journey that will focus on the similar things that we experience as wives that bring about distress and can take a toll on a marriage. Along this journey, I decided to allow the thoughts on my mind to spill onto the pages of my Wife Talk Journal in search of new topics for Series 3, but it wasn’t until God whispered to me that I needed to search my heart for the contents of the topics that will be displayed on the blog page. In Wife Talk Series 1 & 2, there were ten topics per series, but Series 3 is meant to be different. There are three (3) areas of concern that I will be writing about and last week, “Sacred Vows” was the first article of the three topics which was about divorce. With divorce being the first topic, there are two other topics that I will be writing about, abuse and serving God together (believer vs. unbeliever). Now, within these three areas are subtopics which either contribute to thoughts about the main topic or are specific types for the main topic. There is so much to discuss and I can’t wait to share with you what God shares with me about each! Also, within this Series you’ll receive a bonus because I haven’t forgotten that I shared with you three (3) questions that I posed to myself during my hiatus and I will be answering each over the course of Series three. Those questions are: What kind of wife am I? What kind of wife do I aspire to be? And finally, Am I the kind of wife that God wants me to be? I would like for each of you to think about those questions in relation to yourself and I would love to hear from you by way of your comments. You can comment anonymously if you wish.

I wanted to bring you up to date with Wife Talk Series 3 so that you’ll know what to expect from this series. Again, I am so blessed to have such a wonderful readership. I give thanks to God for each reader He brings to the site. Until next week…remember,

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

Sacred Vows

Matthew 5:31-32

31”It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.”

I’ve recently been so blown away by the alarming numbers of divorce (epidemic status) within our society today, that it not only angers me, it saddens me and even more so, it frightens me! I’ve been following the hoopla of Jon & Kate Gosselin of the hit reality TV show, Jon & Kate plus eight, who’s marriage/divorce has been plastered all over the headlines with the same intensity of an announcement of a possible nuclear explosion! We give the subject of divorce so much glory nowadays, and the topic of marriage is treated like a bad word! So, having said this, I would like to ask you a few questions, and discuss this sensitive subject.

Are long talks and dinner dates a thing of the past? Have picnics, romantic getaways and open lines of communication turned into argument city? Can you barely stand the sight of your spouse and have you grown cold to his touch? Has trust become an issue in your marriage, or does your spouse treat you disrespectfully? Do you feel disconnected from your spouse so much so that you no longer want to be connected at all? Well, in the course of every relationship there will be downfalls, obstacles and tests; however, within a marriage these trials can get the best of us, after all, marriage is a lifetime commitment. Yes, I did say lifetime commitment. No matter how rough the going gets, neither spouse should make the decision to get going! If you commit your life to someone you should remember that you entered into the commitment with a willingness to endure for the long haul, not treat marriage like a company’s return policy: exchange your spouse for something different, or get a full refund if it doesn’t fit right or it no longer appeals to your liking. Allow God to be your personal tailor/seamstress and to make those necessary alterations. After all, you did enter into marriage as a threesome and God can and will shape your marriage to be tailor-made, meaning the perfect fit for you and your hubby.

My Him (my husband) and I will be celebrating our 10th anniversary this year and within this timeframe, my nerves, patience, and FAITH have definitely been tested, and I’m sure his has as well! However, they say that anyone can get married, but staying happily married is something totally different, and I agree. There were times when I wanted to quit, give up, move on and out; however, I always remembered my vows (the PROMISE that My Him & I made to each other and most importantly to God) and for My Him and I, divorce is definitely NOT an option! No Way! I understand that you agreed to be with and deal with this person for eternity and that can sometimes be a bit much to take in, but remember that marriage is a spiritual thing, and it was designed to be comparable to Christ’s love for the church. It then should make a world of difference during the worst of times, for God is not going to give up on the church; why then should you contemplate giving up on your marriage? This is far more than 12rounds; you can’t just throw in the towel. I think I may have said this before in one of the previous topics, you and your spouse become one with God when you unite in holy matrimony; however, you are still individuals which means that at different times, you’ll each be at different places spiritually and personally, and it’s ok…it’s called growth and maturity.

As I see and hear of all the issues that married couples have, especially when one’s marital issues are making news headlines, it makes me wonder if any of these couples have had a heart–to-heart with the third person in the marriage; God. You see, I believe that it’s so easy to lean on our own understanding, taking matters into our own hands rather than asking God what’s His plan for the marriage and most importantly, being patient enough to receive the answer. This is why the divorce rate is so high and our families are being destroyed (the enemy is having a field day) because we think that we know what’s best for the marriage instead of allowing God to direct and guide the course to that perfect place and purpose that He designed each marriage for anyway.

*Matthew 5:31-32

31: “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32: But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” In Summary, 5:31, 32 “Divorce is as hurtful and destructive today as in Jesus’ day. God intends marriage to be a lifetime commitment (Genesis 2:24). When entering into marriage, people should never consider divorce an option for solving problems or a way out of a relationship that seems dead. In these verses, Jesus is also attacking those who purposefully abuse the marriage contract, using divorce to satisfy their lustful desire to marry someone else. Are your actions today helping your marriage grow stronger, or are you tearing it apart?”

5:32 “Jesus said that divorce is not permissible except for unfaithfulness. This does not mean that divorce should automatically occur when a spouse commits adultery. The word translated “unfaithfulness” implies a sexually immoral life-style, not a confessed and repented act of adultery. Those who discover that their partner has been unfaithful should first make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore their relationship. We are always to look for reasons to restore the marriage relationship rather than for excuses to leave it.”

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

As you can see, I’m very serious about the subject of divorce, but I’m even more passionate about the topic of marriage! I know that my marriage, your marriage, no marriage can nor will survive without God in the center, and in charge!

According to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of divorce is: “to dissolve a marriage; to end a relationship.” Well, I’ve decided to look at it from a different perspective and turn a negative into a positive. Before you seek an attorney to draw up divorce papers, try this: Treazure’s antidote for D I V O R C E

Dwell Inwardly Vowing Obedience Respecting Christ’s Expectations for marriage!

What this means is to go within yourself to seek introspect from God if you’re the person causing discord within the marriage and promise to be obedient to His guidance and show respect for Christ’s expectations for marriage. If your spouse is the one causing discord, pray for him that he does the same.

Find the Jewel in You, See the Gem in Him!

Treazure

I would like to wish a very Happy Birthday to the most important woman in my life, my mom! You're the reason that I sparkle so brightly as you've always encouraged me to let my light shine. I love you!

Series Three Introduction

I would like to welcome everyone back to the weekly issue of Wife Talk. I know that I’ve been away for a good period of time now, however; I’ve been in a transitioning period over the past several months. Since ending series 2 in March 2008, my husband and I have moved to a new city, started new businesses and I’ve found a new church family. Having said this, I want every reader to know that I’ve missed blogging and reaching out to those of you who have supported me since column one (September 2007) and those who have been wondering if Wife Talk would ever return. To those of you who are new to the column; thanks for logging in. I hope that you not only enjoy the column, but that you are inspired by it.

During this series of Wife Talk columns, I would like to focus on more heartfelt topics that we often experience by expanding upon previously blogged Wife Talk issues as well as introducing new topics. While taking a blogging break, I had the opportunity to reflect upon what’s next for Wife Talk. It came to me that I need to push the envelope more. I’ve written about my own experiences as well as the experiences of many of the wonderful women/wives that I have the privilege of calling friends and family, however; I have to admit that I’ve held back a bit for fear of being too detailed with sharing one’s business. God has brought me to the realization that this blog is meant to allow wives’ to know and appreciate the fact that they are not alone in the things that they go through within their marriages. God gave me the vision of Wife Talk to serve a purpose. So, since I’ve agreed to be obedient to His will and follow His instruction, I’m challenging myself to let go and allow God to have His way with me. I’m surrendering as He uses me as His vessel while He shapes this column for His purposes, and His purposes only! Therefore, I will meditate longer, think a little deeper, and be even more prayerful so that I give you (the reader) the best that I and Wife Talk have to offer!!! Thanks again for logging in and always remember:

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!!!

Treazure

Do You (the second most important thing a wife can do for her husband)!

Proverbs 31:10-11, 31
Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
10h A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
31Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

In writing the first series of columns, I ended the series with the topic of “Praying for your husband” (the first most important thing a wife can do for her husband), and now at the end of the second series, I would like to share the second most important thing that a wife can do for her husband, and that is “Do You”! It may sound a little harsh or self-centered at first, but let me explain. As a wife, I am very concerned (like most wives’ are), about the well-being of my husband. By well-being I’m speaking of everything from his health to his career, to his spirituality, finances, and his personal and social matters. If something is not balanced in any of these areas, there’s a need for even greater concern. Once concern kicks in high gear, there is a tendency to want to fix the situation. The first thing that I always do is pray, and then I wait for God to step in and work things out. However, there have been times when exercising patience took a turn for the worst, and I started damage control on my own. Well, as you know, setting out to do damage control as if I was better at getting matters under control than the Lord, proved to be the wrong answer.

Taking matters into my own hands, at times caused friction between myself and my husband because these issues were going on with him, and not only did I need to give him an opportunity to grow through his experiences, I definitely needed to allow God the opportunity to do his job in making the necessary changes within my mate (without my interference). Although my intentions were sincere I realized that I may have overstepped my boundaries a few times. God began to speak to me through prayer. He shared with me that indeed my feelings and concerns for my husband were justifiable; however, I needed to give Him room to do His work within my husband. He also shared with me that my role was to continue doing those things within my own life that He was leading me to do because He often works through the wife to get to the husband. Once this was revealed to me, I knew at that moment the importance of being a wife that is obedient to the Lord. I still fall short from time to time (probably more than that), but I always refer back to what God shared with me through prayer and meditation, which was also confirmed in the title of a book that I saw one day at the grocery store (during one of my fallen moments), “The single most important thing any woman can do for her husband: What God is leading you to do”. I can’t remember the author of the book, nor did I stand in the aisle to read it, I just praised God for the confirmation.

Today, I continue to do the things that God leads me to do, and I can honestly say that I know the meaning of the saying “leading by example”. I can acknowledge Him for using both my husband and myself to encourage growth in each other.

Proverbs 31:10-11, 31
Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
10h A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
31Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

In summary: The book of Proverbs begins with the command to fear the Lord (1:7) and ends with the picture of a woman who fulfills this command. Her qualities are mentioned throughout the book: hard work, fear of God, respect for spouse, foresight, encouragement, care for others, concern for the poor, wisdom in handling money. These qualities, when coupled with fear of God, lead to enjoyment, success, honor, and worth. Proverbs is very practical for our day because it shows us how to become wise, make good decisions, and live according to God’s ideal.

Always remember that God is ultimately in control, and do your part to assist Him in reaching your mate. I’m not saying to not care about what’s going on with your spouse and be totally consumed in what you have going on: I’m saying to trust in the Lord to make the necessary changes and to resolve and heal situations that your mate may be going through, and know that He may be using you to do it!

*Scripture quotations and summary are taken from the Life Application Study Bible (NIV).

Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him!

Treazure

I would like to thank all readers of this column for yet another successful set of ten topics! In the weeks to come, I will continue to plan the “Find the jewel in you, see the gem in him” Workshop. The planning is moving along swiftly, so if you are interested in attending, email me at wifetalkblog@yahoo.com. I will be posting the details in the upcoming weeks.

For the 3rd series of Wife Talk, I will be doing a question/answer segment on a weekly basis, so if there are any questions that you would like to ask me, I will be posting both the questions and my response each week. I would also like to invite you to offer new topic suggestions for series 3 as well. You may contact me at the above listed email address for either of these. Again, thank you so much for logging in each week and last but not least, I would like to thank The Invisible Secretary for posting another series. God has blessed me with so many brilliantly shining jewels in which I place you all in my Treazure Chest!